Sunday, December 25, 2005

No Kiddies For Me!

NO KIDS FOR ME! RAVENOUS, LIFE-FORCE SUCKING MONSTERS! First they start off as the best thing in the world - an orgasm. Then fear - because you're girlfriend, wife, mistress, and if you're in kentucky your cousin slash sister slash wife is late and comes a knockin' on your door! THEN, if you have a soul, you put all your dreams on hold and help your woman with all the pain she will endure for the next 9 agonizing months of her life.



Then you have to raise the little monsters and God forbid you get pregnant soon after...

And then...


but like I was saying....


right...children...good for nothi...


seems like I was saying something...something about children...


I WANT TWELVE OF EACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Survival of the Fittest

So I just finished my last exam of the term and it was my elective - Anthropology. I can now, with 100% certainty say, I have ABSOLUTELY NO sympathy for Artsies. Now by Artsies, I mean those majoring in any one of the following - Social Science, English, History, The Social Science of English and History, Music, Art, etc.

Lemme explain my comment with a hilarious example...

Typical thoughts floating through an engineer's head during the day before an exam (we'll say held at 2pm and lasting 2.5 hours; OH and we're assuming this course is in the medium range of difficulty):

10 am: Oh man, I'm so tired, studying til 1am and getting up at 8am, so tiring. Luckily, I'm an engineer and have been studying throughout the semester, so no all nighters for me! Hey look, some fellow engineers, I think I'll go sit with them and do some last minute prep before this exam.


12pm: Phew...Glad I got through that section, can't believe I forgot about section 7-9, oh well, it's in there now. Man I wish I could write this exam now...I still have that other one tomorrow and the next one in two days. Oh well, just review section 7-9 now and you'll be fine, you'll be fine.

1pm: GOD DAMN IT! SECTION 12 IS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOO!? WHERE WAS I DURING ALL OF THIS?!....OH RIGHT, ASLEEP, FUCKING PROF'S SOOTHING, LULABY-LIKE VOICE. Alrite, still have an hour, just do a quick review and pray it's not an intergral part of the exam...

1:30pm: Son of a bitch! Section 12 ISN'T on the exam? Goddamn! Alrite, let's get to the room, and get some last minute cramming in.

1:59pm: So shear and bearing AREN'T the same? Thanks student whose name I don't know, but say hello to all the time; you saved me.

Exam begins....

2:00pm: HA! Got my name and student number DOWN! Can't tell me I'm wrong on that fuckers!

2:01pm: Question 1 seems fair enough...

2:02pm: Question 2 seems ok, cept for this part, but I'm sure I'll get it

2:03pm: Question 3 - section 7-9 better do this one first

2:33pm: Christ that took a while but good thing it's done...wait a minute, ah fuck, it's braced...

3:03pm: Good that shit is done! Damn, only 1.5 hours left, gotta do 1 and 2 first!

3:47pm: Alritey, now if I focus, 4 and 5 can be done, 45 minutes left, plenty of time, PLENTY!

3:48pm: *Mental Note - ask TA and confirm that Question 4 is written in english*

3:49pm: QUESTION 5 IS ABOUT SECTION 12!!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU NAMELESS STUDENT, DAMN YOU!!!! Alrite, time to pull something outta my ass.

4:17pm: Lalalala - Moment that, Shear this, Bracing? HELL YA! So deflection is 4.7 metres? Well let's tweek some numbers here - there we go, deflection is 0.00047 nanometers - excellent!

4:18pm: DAMNATION - what in holy hell does he want in question 4!?

4:27pm: When in doubt calculate moment. Done, now class check all the way - yaaaaaaaaay, class 1, that's good right?

4:30pm: *Announcement from TA - THE EXAM IS OVER PUNY MORTALS!* Alritey and the final answer - 5678 bolts, it'll have to do.

THIS is a regular thought process for every engineer that retains some sort of social life. After this exam, we then go on to see what other programs are available at U of T and see what are options are, just in case. Nursing supposedly is really amazing; and I guess one could always be a teacher...

NOW, lemme explain my thought process during my Anthropology (NON-engineering) Exam and studying prep:

December 13th, 4:47pm: YAAAAAAAY, done my last engineering exam, gonna take a few days break and then just read through my notes for anthro, it's on the 19th at 7pm, so I have lots of time - so much to memorize...

December 17th, 1:25pm: Alrite, just a few more levels of Warcraft and then some serious anthro....

December 17th, 3:31pm: Geez, I'm tired, I'm gonna watch some tv, and then after church, STRAIGHT to anthro, wont even turn on my computer.

December 17th, 6:30pm: Alrite, gonna check my email but that's it - wait...what's this? JAMIE! I haven't talk to him since, since, since yesterday - I wonder what he's been up to...

December 17th, 7:45pm: Oh that Jamie - alrite, enough dilly dallying, anthro...

December 17th, 9:15pm: Wow this stuff is boring - nothing like the discovery channel, but yay, I memorized the authrolapithicines - That's enough for today, GOOOOOOOO STUDYING!

December 18th, 12:06pm: Time to get this anthro and archeology crap in my head...

December 18th, 1:17pm: I'm bored - time for a movie!

December 19th, 11:00am: Good thing this exam is at 7pm, time for a nice long study session and I'm at school, no distractions....

December 19th, 12:01pm: WHY OH WHY did they leave the computer labs operating...

December 19th, 5:30pm: So I've eaten, looked over past exams, read through my notes at least once, sorta, I should be good - hey look whose on MSN, Andrew, haven't talked to him in a while....

December 19th, 7:07pm: *Alrite everyone, turn your pages over and begin* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

December 19th, 7:29pm: This can't be...the questions are the same as the 2004 80% of this I know from glimpsing over a past midterm...YOU MOTHER #$$^%#%&#%^$%$^ breathe easy Darek - just remember this all for your blog...

December 19th, 7:49pm: I feel so strange...I had two hours to do that exam...I was done in 25 minutes...I'm on the subway back home...there is a strange calm in the air...

I finished that exam in 25 minutes and gave myself 9 minutes to re-check my answers - I was done in 34 minutes... NO SYMPATHY ARTSIES, NONE!!!!!

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Red Fish, Blue Fish, Darwin Fish, Jesus Fish!

So I think I'm going to make everyone completely angry over this post, because I think I'm going to practically offend any type of thinking from religious - political.

So Ultraconservatism, where to begin...
Stephen Harper says, that if he wins this election (HA!), he'll bring back the same-sex marriage debate to the house of commons and do it as a free vote (meaning all MP's won't have their jobs at risk, if they vote against the party). Now, as much as I can't believe what I'm going to say, he does have a point. The same-sex marriage bill passed mainly do to a number of cabinet ministers that had to vote with party (all Liberal) - is this really a right then? Or just bureaucracy? I think most people would agree that a right that is fought for, especially a right that is basic (the right to marry) holds more valor when it was fought for; not because a bunch of rich people didn't want to lose their jobs. THAT being said, I think a basic human right is fundamental, we have it, it's ours, we don't need the law to allow us, just to recognize us. So is voting down this law the very definition of democracy or trumping a human right? Or both?

Anyways, I got off topic, ultraconservatism, keeping everything as it is, until the majority is screaming for a change. Then allowing that change very slowly in hopes that no one remembers the past, or that the change was so gradual, you can't tell the difference between the past and the future. Bullshit. WE ARE ALWAYS CHANGING. I can just see the conservatives rolling their eyes and already mouthing my favourite excuse "but that doesn't mean we need to change everything about ourselves and our society!" - YES, YES IT DOES. Women can choose to work, the mother has no more obligation to stay with children than her father. Gays MUST be allowed to marry, if you can't understand why, you're glossing over a fundamental right. If you're straight, it does NOT affect you, not one bit. Abortion has been happening since the beginning of time; regulate it, don't ignore it. And religion isn't the same all around the world; get use to it.

My biggest pet peeve is when conservatives mask their beliefs to make it seem they are progressive and then get all offensive when they're called on this. It's not Creationism, it's Intelligent Design. ARRRRRGH. It's the same. It never changes, not for them. The whole point about the Jesus Fish - no conservative can give me an excuse why they're against gay marriage/gay rights, abortion rights, euthanasia, or the death penaulty without tying into religious thinking. Even if they're atheist. It's so embedded in the idealogy that you can't escape it.

Ahhh, my next pet-peeve, shifting over to the complete opposite of the political stream and we hit Uber-Liberalism. You know who you are, meat is murder, fur and leather is disgusting, get our troops outta Afghanistan, and abortions should be legal up to the point where the water breaks and after that, is the grey area.
Now, I am the last person to affliate themselves with the Conservative line of thinking - I enjoy inclusivity. However, I hate stupidity. More so than conservative arguements. Going to U of T, I can't tell you how many rallies I'm invited to supporting the removal of our troops from Afghanistan - consequently I can't tell you how many times I wanna crumble up the flyer and throw it in their faces. I have a cousin that went to Afghanistan and fought to bring some kind of order that war-torn land. I fully support the hunt for Osama (remember him, the one that is responsible for the Twin Tower bombings?) and any means that need to be executed to find that murderer and execute him. Afghanistan is a country that is IN NEED, Iraq became a country in need - there is a difference. AHHHHHH, got off topic again.
Anyways, my point with Uber-Liberals - chill. Don't complain for the sake of complaining. I and alot others will eat meat and wear leather and not give one damn about it. I support gay marriage because as a gay man, no one, has the right to tell me I go against the traditionial defition of marriage (there is none! go back far enough, and the traditionial definition of marriage is one man and many wives, monogamy is a relatively new ideal). I support abortion rights, because if I ever have a daughter that needs ones, I'd like her to feel completely comforted during the process and not shunned. I support everyone's right to their opinion, because I am no one to tell you, you are wrong - and I support my right to tell you are wrong, when I know you are in err. Feminism is a good thing - but we all know that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Stop looking for it in the past, we know it's there, spot it out NOW and fight to have sexism abolished. A woman choosing her husband's last name is not sexist; a woman not getting paid as much as a man for the same job, is. Religion is fine, so long as it doesn't infringe someone's rights. War is needed sometimes (get use to it), support the people keeping you safe and support what THEY want.
Damn, I hope I still have friends after this one.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tis the Season to be Greedy

I promised myself that I would refrain from writing a political-type blog, but this needs to be said. They say that the holiday season brings out the best in people; I disagree, it brings out their worst.
Why? Well let's just review two wonderful examples that prove my hypothesis:
Example 1:
Overheard this conversation in the atrium (cafeteria-like place) of my school:
"...Habitat for Humanity"
"I'd never join that!" Dude 1 said
"Why?" Dude 2 asks
"Did you know you have to PAY to be a part of that? Like twent...FORTY bucks! For them to ALLOW you to build a house!" Dude 1 said
"Well they do need to buy supplies, get permits, buy land, wiring, materials....*Dude 2 trails off cuz he knows he's made his point*
"But still, why am I going to pay a charity to help them out?" Dude 1 concludes
At this point I wanted to yell across the foyer "'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU HELP OUT A CHARITY, DONATE TIME AND MONEY" But I refrained, I had my economics exam to study for and needed to leave before I got distracted with thoughts of horror.
Example 2:
Vegans and Turkeys and Donations! OH MY!
Okay, so I told my vegan friend that I would write an entire blog on what I thought about Veganism and it's coming, right after this one, but I just wanted to say how shocked I was to see what I saw my otherwise totally amazing friend Jenn do one day in class.
So we're in class and a donation envelope is being passed for a 'Turkey Raiser' basically giving money to provide a meal to a family in need during the Holiday Season. Easy enough, no? I put in my two bucks, and fill out the form, and then pass it to Jenn. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her writing something on the envelope - I was stunned! Ms. Hardcore Vegan, actually donating money for something that will result in killing an animal, despite her beliefs, so someone she doesnt know, can eat?! MARVELOUS, I thought, then I turned to her and saw that she had written "Meat is Murder" on the form.
Now I am not one for giving up one's beliefs, I can completely understand why she didn't donate to the cause, because it would involve the death of an animal and to her, that's wrong, regardless of the circumstance. However, in the long run, there's still a starving family out there.
So what's my point to this little rant? I don't think the Holiday Seaons brings out our most giving sides; I think it's starting to bring out greediest sides. Next time, a friend of yours passes a homeless person on the street and then quietly makes fun of them to you, turn right around and throw a dollar in the poor soul's hand. Next time you give your spare change to a homeless person, look them in the eye and say "You're Welcome" when they say "Thank You". Let's remember this time of year isn't about the birth of a baby in a manger, or how nine candles could burn for nine days on so little oil. Every day should be a day, where if you're fortunate, did something to help someone less fortunate.
*Concludes speech by shining his halo*

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Tribute to Ana (Part 2)

Why a picture of a monkey you ask? Well this is my second tribute to Ana and since her nickname by me has been 'Monkey' since University started (I was equally blessed with the term of endearment 'Puppy') I find it only fitting for the world to see her as I see her - adorable.

NOW in order for this entry to make sense, you must first check out Ana's livejournal -

Then read this hilarious MSN conversation:

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:

ana says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
I loved typing that

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
AND IM NOT EVEN DONE YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
im pissing my pants ana!
ana says:
I am currently re-living the experience

ana says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
that was heaven
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
the purest form of heaven ana
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
mainly cuz it was about me
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
and partly, cuz it involved you
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
but mainly cuz of the first part
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
being meeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ana says:
ana says:
look! or not really because it's the internet
ana says:
I'm smiling and laughing and it's awesome
ana says:
that was quite fun to go down memory lane and what not
ana says:
did you read the comments
ana says:
Sarah lacey (my roommate) wants to eat you, you're so awesome

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
lol, im reading them now
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
you know what's better than having my adorable wonderful, bestest friend ever talk about me?
ana says:
having others do that too?
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
not just others, STRANGERS!
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
and adam wants to meet me
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
ana says:
totally does
ana says:
always had ever since I mentioned you
ana says:
I think he sorta wants your approval

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
I also wish to meet this Darek and then ritually consume his heart so that I may gain his powers of charisma and social flair. What? Cannibalism is the sincerest form of flattery.
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:

ana says:
hahaha! yeah
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
lol, well yeah, it's my friggin approval, he should be doing some sort of fucking pilgrimage to my shrine in sauga (we have one now) and praying that i dont smite him where he stands
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
"and then he twirled me around like 4 times!!! 4!!!"
ana says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
LOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! and you're right, i totally didnt see you
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
but when i did
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
oh man oh man
ana says:
we shall make sure to leave offerings at your shrine
ana says:
perfect clementines and sticks of incense
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
oranges and rose petals
ana says:
ONLY the flawless ones too

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
lol, i cant believe we both forgot about goddess karen

ana says:
...oh my.
ana says:
it seems you have replaced the old god
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
the student has become the master?
ana says:
ana says:
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
My god your mom's going to kill me or I'll never see you again and through the filipino family network all my other filipino friends moms will ban them from hanging out with me and HOW COULD YOU NOT TURN IN TIME?
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
i fucking pissed my pants when i read this monkey
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
my god
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
work of art

ana says:
ana says:
this is awesome. I should talk about you more.
ana says:
I usually don't get responses that quick

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
lol, do you see!?!?!?!?
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
do you see my power?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
like i wasnt fucking joking about great i am

ana says:
but I should go home soon. I'm at skule and now it's late and the dark is full of rapists
ana says:
ana says:
I wish I could save this conversation and post it...they will probably eat it all up
ana says:
and praise you more
ana says:
ok. home!! ttyl

The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
i'll send it to you
The DarChu - MANGOD! says:
and i shall also post this on my homepage

And Ana I held true to my word, I posted it for all the world to see. Something this funny has to be shared; for the good of the Universe.

P.S. What's better than having your best friend tell the world how great you are? STRANGERS AGREEING WITH HER!
adamtron5001 (Ana's boyfriend, but I havent met him, so he's a stranger)
one day i guess i should meet this fellow

hellespont (Ana's roommate)
I also wish to meet this Darek and then ritually consume his heart so that I may gain his powers of charisma and social flair. What? Cannibalism is the sincerest form of flattery.Also, I love that picture on his blog. It's like what I think anime would be if it were real.

laruku42 (Ana's reply to her roommate, it was hilarious!)
it was great!!we bumped into the street (like literally...I walked into him because I was expecting him to notice me, stop and say hi...but he didn't)and then he twirled me around like 4 times!!! 4!!!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Tribute to Ana and ONLY ANA!

This is Ana Katrina Coranel Pastolero born on February 18th 1984. She's an Aquarius. Usually Ana can be seen doing one of three things - eating, sleeping or laughing. Today she wasn't doing the latter :(
So, as her appointed Kuya ('cause her rabbit of a mother couldn't pop out a boy before her, so she's only an Ate) it is my duty to make her laugh, laugh, laugh her problems away.
So for you Ana:
  1. Sweet Meat is a terrific idea!
  2. Vegetables are disgusting unless cooked, nay, deep fried and then re-deep fried in lard that's been deep-fried in oil.
  3. Peas? What are peas?
  4. Squirrels and other fat and therefore adorable rodents and pests don't mind being chased; in fact they LOVE IT!
  5. Jewish men, particularly the red-haired kind, have small penises and therefore it's ok to laugh and ridicule them until our faces are blue from lack of oxygen and we suffer permanent brain damage due to this lack of oxygen - 'cause in the end, red-haired jewish men still have small penises!
  6. We didn't have Birkemoe for CIV 312/314 - we had Grabinsky and Pressnail, in fact, we genetically melded them together in a lab right beside Birkemoe's, where a terrible explosion occurred. Luckily we survived, and the end results was Grabinsky/Pressnail - those next door however, died. Painfully.
  7. Birkemoe, before the explosion, was fired, and relieved of his pension, so now he's poor, and alone cuz his twin-like wife divorced him and he stepped on his glasses. He'll never host a field trip ever again.
  8. You can survive off of bananas and yogurt and dust and lint.
  9. Your house is a mansion, filled with exotic tunnels and chunnels that you haven't yet explored.
  10. It's fun to make fun of fobby chinese guys

And Lastly,

11. You're the most wonderful person I've ever met; remember you CAN and WILL do this and piss on his grave when you do! :)

Hope that helped monkey

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Why I Love Dance Music

So recently, I have been very worried with school. Lord knows I am trying. I've practically cut off my friends and family. Unless you have MSN, I'm pretty sure you've forgotten about your plucky little friend Darek.
So to cheer myself up, I've been listening to music. And recently accquired, through completely legal processes, Madonna's newest album, 'Confessions on a Dance Floor' - why I ever gave up Dance Music is beyond me! Thank you Madge for bringing me back into the fold.
A few years ago, I felt my musical tastes were slightly one-sided; ultimately beginning a quest for a newer style of music to shake my booty too and get a better appreciation for.
I fell in love with Alternative and Rock - Linkin Park, The Cranberries, Postal Service, Stars, and even some of that Hip and/or Hop music, I actually bought the newest album by K-OS. And through this search, I found Colorblind by The Counting Crows. My favourite song of all-time, it's been two years since I found this piece of Heaven and I can still listen to the song 12 times in a row and not get sick of it. Magnificante!
After rocking out with the B-Man at Phoenix and learning all of the words to most Linkin Park songs, I began to tune in to Z103.5 and downloading Britany Spears and Xtina songs. Soon, my computer was filled with songs about love, calling someone baby, dreams and dancing.
And that's what I realized, I don't like dance because of it's deeply provacative and thoughtful lyrics that cause society to re-think it's position on many many biased traditions like other forms of music do - dance music is suppose to make you feel good. Period. Not make you contemplate how unaffair it is to have you heart broken, or how no one understands you, or how 'hard' life is for western culture. (frankly that's another rant!)
Dance music can make you feel like you're the only one in the room or it can make you feel like everyone should be watching you, cuz you're grooving the best you've ever danced in your life! I don't care that the songs don't have a deeper meaning than telling me about San Fransisco or if George Michael thinks I'm Amazing. I want to feel good about myself, forget that I'm barely getting by University and literally feel the music flow through my bones, to my feet, and making me feel like if I don't move, that's the only thing I'm gonna fail at!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Quote The Raven....I Mean People and Movies I Like

So this little post is a treat to myself and because it's about quotes I've heard over my long, long life or actual things I've said, it's a treat to all of you reading this (HERE ANA! HERE YOU GO YOU BOTTOMLESS PIT OF WONDER AT YOUR HUNGER TO PEOPLE'S BLOGS!)

Carrying on, below is a list of quotes I've heard in various movies, shows, people and myself that I've come to hold close to my heart:

"A true friend will stab you in the front" - Oscar Wilde

"Looks like someone's got a case of the s'poseduhs" Teacher from the Simpsons

"Past instances in which I pretended to be your friend were fraudulent!" Homer Simpson

"Last week, I talked Cameron Diaz out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said that Orange was the new Pink was seriously disturbed" Elle Woods from Legally Blonde

"It's UterUS, not uterYOU!" Homer Simpson

"Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purplemonkeydishwasher" Teacher from the Simpsons

"Well, we'll show him, especially for that purplemonkeydishwasher comment" Edna Krabapel

"Do you love her?"

"I don't know"

"Then you don't Tim" - from the movie Imaginary Heroes

"These were the best years of our life. At least that's what they told us. Personally, I hated high school. I hated all of you and I hope you all rot in hell" - Validictorian from Imaginary Heroes

"It was 96.9 'cuz when I went to fill up, it was 96.9, so it's 96.9" - Ashorina

"Stutterd short and uptight, Pull me out from inside" - the song 'Colorblind' by the Counting Crows

"Well I won't eat in front of you anymore...cuz you know, you're eating dust and lint, aren't you?"

"YES! Is that what you wanted to hear?" Me to Ana, after I contemplated what I was having for lunch one day.

" attention to me. attention to me." - Brendan

"It's spankin' season, and I gots me some hankerin' for some spankerin'!" - Homer Simpson

"Well's just something we're going to have to work on. "

"Should I have told you?"

"Yes. It's somthing we'll just have to work on...Darciu, you broke my heart" - my Mom, after I came out to her.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Oh Stenty, We Hardly Knew Thee! (And Thank God You Didn't Meet Oliver Twist)

Lordie Lordie, it has been a while! So let me just update all my wonderful fans about the torture I've been through for the past couple of days.

Part 1:

First thing that needs to be announced is that I am getting my left kidney removed. I was born with a congenital abnormality where the blood vessel on my left kidney crosses paths with my ureter, causing it to narrow ever so slighty due to the blood that pumps through it. This slight narrowing has turned into scarring and in the long run caused back flow into my kidney, causing it to swell (with pee). After my 22 years of life, this swelling of the kidney muscle has taken it's toll and now ole lefty is only doing 10% of what she should be doing. Lazy Hippy Kidney.

Anyways, at the end of September I underwent a gut wrenching procedure in which a stent was inserted through my urethra, into my ureter, as depicted above. The stent spreads open the ureter and viola pee flows out and into the bladder. Now, for those that just glossed over that, that means this stent (which I've nicknamed Stenty) was inserted through my penis. First a flexible plastic tube was shoved up my wang and then through the tube, a metal wire that held the stent. I was completely awake during the entire procedure and to top it off I had a local anestethic adminstered to the tip of my wang; think about that ladies and gents, that's a needle to the dick.

So for the next month and a half, Stenty and I, made the most out of our predictament and got along for the most part. The first few days were rough, she wanted out, I wanted her out. Peeing was a nightmare, I had to take deep breaths before emptying my bladder, I clutched on to the toliet paper for something to squeeze (like a pregnant lady needs someone's hand to clutch during birth) and after a few tears were shed, I felt that relief most children do coming back from church on Sunday knowing that this is the longest possible time before more torture.

But the days passed, the blood in my urine lessened, Stenty made herself at home and I eased up on liquor for her sake. Peeing became the relief it provides once again and all was well.

Then a month and half passed.

And it was time for Stenty to leave me. I couldn't sleep the night before the procedure; I was too nervous. And the morning following at St. Mike's Hospital, I lead out some tears as those heartless doctors kept me awake as they ripped her from my bodice. She was gone.

But I was reminded of her shortly after, when I went to pee; there was that mindnumbing stinging pain, my body's way of telling me it would never be whole again.

Now as you all wipe away those tears at that heart wrenching story, you suddently remember my title included a reference to Oliver Twist!

Part 2:

My friend Jamie invited me to see our friend,Arlene, preform in Lester B. Pearson's Theatre production of "Oliver Twist". Since I never read the book, nor seen the movie or play or musical, I figured "Why not?!".

Now let me say that Arlene stole the show completely! I didn't even know the girl could sing, but the moment she opened her mouth and that choir-of-angels of a voice she has poured out of her, I was enamored. Brava Arlene!

But before I heard Ms. Paculan's voice, I had to listen, no wait, listen is too good a word, it signifies some kind of respect, I had to suffer through Oliver Twist's voice. Now I won't name the young chap you played Oliver Twist, but calling him terrible would be a compliment. You all know how I had to prep myself to pee after Stenty, God rest her soul, was placed inside of me, that's exactly what I had to do to prep for Oliver's voice. Deep breathes, clutching my program, wincing in agony. No pitch, no acoustics, nothing. I'd rather listen to microphone malfunctions. I had goosebumps not from being struck by this child's voice, but from the fact that my soul not only died inside of me, but began to rot a little. To say I was happy when the play was over, would be a lie. I was angry. This little wretch did the equivalent of scratching nails on a chalkboard throughout his preformance.

Some may say "Darek! That's a little harsh, especially since the "singer" was only 13" and some might say that either he has incredibly supportive parents that allow their son to follow any dream he wishes. I say these people are simple-minded. He clearly has parents that don't love him and were probably back stage, laughing away, saying "Can you believe we got him to preform in this?".

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The Divine Miss R.

So to put it bluntly, this my tribute post to the oh-so-fabulous and exotic 8th wonder of the world known simply as RuPaul. Or as I've nicknamed her, the Divine Miss R (for you straighties, that's in honour of Bette Midler).

Where to start! I was first captivated by this dazzling performer while on vacation in florida with my family when I was 10. It was the one rainy day during our trip and so my family stayed in our little motel room, watching american tv when my brothers found MTV and lo and behold whose video was playing? RuPaul's "Supermodel" at first I thought in my innocence "That pretty lady has pretty hair" and then my brother asked my Dad "Hey Tata, is that a man or a woman?" My dad responded "THAT'S a man?!" And I think the world may have stopped spinning. For the next 3 minutes I was speechless.

Back in Canada, I never saw RuPaul again. It would be 9 long years until we were reunited again.

The next time I saw RuPaul, I had burst from my closet and was in my first year at Civil Engineering at the University of Toronto. Meeting my first clump of gay friends, being informed of the latest movies to watch, I was told to watch "But I'm a Cheerleader" I did and my jaw dropped again, THERE WAS RUPAUL! But not in drag, but still spectacular! Can you imagine the most glamourous woman in the world teaching a bunch of mo's how to be men? The result? PURE hilarity!

So I began to google and found and that's where this wonderful picture arose. If you all didn't know that this ravaging beauty was a man, would you think it? I doubt it very much. It's not so much the clothes (or lack there of) but the pose, the laugh, the tilt of the headand shoulders - in short form, the glamour. If RuPaul was a guest judge on America's Next Top Model I just might explode (literally and metaphorically).

THAT'S why I think the world of Miss Thang over here; she's the most glamourous man I've ever seen.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Shamoun-Sobik Dictionary

My friend Ashorina and I are two peas in a pod, a hilarious pod. When we're not laughing at people or eachother, we're saying some of the most complex words you could think of. This led to the creation of the "Book of Verbalicious Terminological Spoken Things". Or a dictionary. Below is a list of words/sayings/slang that we hope we make it's way to the Merriam-Webster 2007 edition (or if all goes well during the revolution the Shamoun-Sobik Dictionary, FIRST edition.)

  1. Delicious and Deliciousier - used together in describing two different by related delicious food and drink items. "I want to eat delicious things and drink deliciousier things."
  2. Deliciousity - the nature of being delicious.
  3. Seriousity - the nature of being serious.
  4. Diahrear - illness causing great pain to the pooper.
  5. Verbication - the way words are spoken.
  6. Terriferred - being scared but more so.
  7. Kabillion - billion to the jillionith power.
  8. Jillion - a lot.
  9. Awesomeness - the nature of being awesome.
  10. "Cram it in there" (slang) - the ability to Cram "it" in "there"; where "it" is a knowledgable informative factoid and "there" is one's head.
  11. Plumbink - 1. anything to do with internal piping at home 2. said over and over and over again in making fun of someone of eastern european descent (particularly a father figure).
  12. -ink - added to any word ending with -ing to add hilariousity
  13. Hilariousity - the nature of being hilarious
  14. "How does that make you feel?" (Doctoral Slang) - asked when one doesn't care how another feels.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Take Two!

I think I'm the only human being on the planet that enjoys sequels a little bit better than the originals. Case in point are the three movies described below with my reasoning as to why they are better than the originals:
I must of watched this movie 12 times and still never bore of it. Joan Cusack as the nanny we love to hate - Debbie Jellinsky. Seeing Dana Ivey as the newest family member (she ran off with Cousin Itt and had his hairy child) was something that made my jaw drop; she was integrated into the family, oh the power it has! Then there's Christina Ricci who became my new god with everything she said in this movie. "For all these crimes, I've decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground" - MARVELOUS!

Everyone I know all LOVED "American Psycho" with Christian Bale; I did not. Snore is what I thought when I watched the movie. I watched it once and didn't want to give it another thought. Then I saw the sequal, American Psycho 2 starring Mila Kunis and was in complete awe. Mila can actually act! I was surprised, she plays off a psycho with a whole new twist, not so much being run by her psychotic thoughts but more rationalizing her actions to suit her dream - advancing her career. When she kills someone you sorta have to think "well it makes sense" for a split second and then you realize that killing is wrong and your conscience kicks in. Another winner.

And finally the best sequel of them all, Batman Returns. Again, I didn't enjoy the first, too much politics and too many males. Notice how all the villians in these sequels are females, coincedence? I think not. Two words as to why this sequel rocks the original - Michelle Pfeiffer. The perfect selection for Catwomen, graceful but deadly and to think it was first offered to Julia Roberts. Again, I must've seen this movie about 12 times and after the 3rd time, was able to fast forward like a champ to all my favourite parts - Catwoman scenes. "I don't know about you Ms. Kitty, but I'm feeling so much yummier" - honestly, is there any quote you can think of that's sexier and scarier?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

America's Last Top Model

Okay, so I think I'll be labelled a huge loser for this blog for two reasons. One being my second blog of the day and two it's in response to the last season of a reality show (just tacky). But I'm obsessed with glamour. If a model looks flawless in a picture, I literally stop and gawk. But it has to be EVERYTHING about the picture that grabs my attention; if I find even the smallest flaw, I'll hate the picture forever and whatever or whomever is in it.

So, because I am addicted to America's Next Top Model (thanks Jamie; no really, THANK you) and because this season is rather addictive, but the photos are not the best; I'm gonna comment on last season's photos and models, hilariously.

Ah Christina. This photo is perfect! Here she is protraying the deadly sin of 'Lust' and I think she does it flawlessly. It's not just that she's in red lingerie but it's her pose. The hair is perfect (gives it a 1940's touch I think; and we all know they were mad-horny back then) as is her make-up, it is over the top, but that's to accentuate her sexiness. Her look reminds me of seductress, not a whore or hooker, but just class. Sex and Class. Lust is so much more than sex, it's everything before sex - and she got that.

Michelle is representing the deadly sin of Pride. Again, another winner. It's completely over-aggregated and almost has a snobbish feel to it - and it's THIS that makes it perfect! That's what pride is, making others feels that little bit of insecurity about any accomplishments they have; because someone has some that are so much better. Her make-up is too much but it works again, she needs it to make herself feel proud. You can't see it in the picture, but she's holding a trophy and her pose (her legs up and one sort of crossed over the other) is a perfect pose. It's almost like she's in mid leg-flick do to be so damn proud of herself.

I've heard perfection it's called "Ain't No Sunshine" by Christina Christian. I've tasted perfection it's called "Dairy Cream Ice Cream Cake" but by God, I've now seen it and it's called Kahleen. I'm absolutely in love with this picture! The look on her face, the pose her body takes (she's trying to get out of the coffin, her arms and legs hitting hard against the coffin) her make-up and I think what seals the deal here, is her teeth. They're almost fang-like - if she finds you, she's gonna get you. The outfit is another stunner - a corset with a thick collar - sexy but not cheesy like she belongs to the Addams Family. Flawless.

Hard to believe this Sun Goddess of the Forest is the Deadly Sin of Wrath, no? But they are! Her hair, her look (although I admit, her mouth is slightly agap, but that's what touch-ups are for!) the way the sun reflects off her hair - another amazing photo. Her pose as well, she's lying on a log in front of a waterfall. Looks like she's heard something and is checking it out; just like an animal, dare I say Lionness? Perfection again.

Naima, the winner of America's Next Top Model Season 4. And I have to admit, if the title was given based on this photo it was well deserved. It's not her face (because she poses the exact same face, EVERY time; you need a cheetah? the sin of envy? an alien on her carhood? no problem naima can do all three! just put a new backgroud in and poof you just saved yourself a mighty pretty penny) but her pose. She's sold this picture based on her body alone. She's looks incredibly tall, looking straight in the camera, knowing she has all those men wrapped around her finger and it looks like she was just caught doing an incredibly sexy dance. The arching of her back and flick of her wrist (which unfortunately got cut off) was perfect.

Now my pick for America's Next Top Model Season 5 will be announced soon, I'm conflicted right now, none of the pictures are something that have made my jaw dropped. But I think after this episode I should have my top 2 (and I'm fairly certain they won't be Jayla or Nik) At most I'll have my top 3. Stay tuned.

My Jen

Here you see pictured the ridonkously beauty known simply but eloquently as "Jen". I recently received a phone call from this exquisite beauty wishing me a Happy Birthday.

Now before this wonderful surprise, I asked "Who is this?" because Jen gave me the "It's Me" on the phone, which she is completely entitled to. Followed with a Happy Birthday and a "I miss you; but I think you don't miss me as much as I miss you!". I was shocked.

How could I not miss Jen? One of my bestest friends, knows pretty much everything about me, same on my end about her. But the truth is, I know a bajillion "Jens". It really is hard keeping track of everyone of them. To prove my point, I shall list them all with a funny little something beside each:

Jennifer "Jen" Gayagoy - Best friend of 19 years now - convinced she suffers from ADD, she remembers NOTHING.

Jennifer "Jenn" Stapleton - Vegan fellow engineer. Stupid Vegans.

Jennifer "Jen" Assal - I've talked to her twice. She's Egyptian

Jennifer "Jen" Lee - She's CHINESE INCORPORATED!

Jennie "Jennie" Nickerson - Not a "Jen" but close enough

Jennifer "Jen" Tung - She's a ho. A big one.

Jennifer "Jen" Shaw - I worked with her. She's a terrible BUT hilarious drunk.

Jennifer "Jenn" Trieu - She's Peter's girlfriend. She thinks I'll date Jamie.

And last but not least:

Jennifer "Jen" C. (can't spell last anymore) - She has a lot of hair. A LOT.

So you see!!!! That's 9 individuals all with the same bloody name. Of course I'm going to be confused!

P.S. - BRENDAN ROCKS! He got me "Clone High Season One" on DVD. AND he's dating Jen C - coincedence? I don't think so!


Happy Birthday to ME!

Go Darek, Go Darek! It's your birthday! I figured since *takes a deep breath* Jamie, Jay, Earl, and Emil all have these nifty little blogspots, I'll be original and copy them.
Now onto more important matters, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! 22 years old I am. So instead of boring my new readers with crap like "I've grown so much this past year" and "All we can really wait for is the future to come" I'm just going to tell you about my day.
Woke up at 7:30am, oddly enough, refreshed, not energized, but refreshed. Walked down to Cooksville Go Station and made my train with plenty of time to spare (for some reason this always feels good, commuters can I get a "Holla" as the hip youngsters are saying these days?) Had a midterm today, which by all definitions sucked the big one, I however, ROCKED IT. At least I think I did. No question went unanswered and no answer was pulled outta my ass. I studied about 15 hours in total for this midterm, so anything less than an 80 and I will DEFINATELY not be impressed.
Anyways, had me some lunch at 12, and worked a bit on my economics assignment that's due tomorrow at 9am and was invited out to lunch by Bren AND Rob - I was touched, truly truly touched.Went to my classes when I was suppose too, again, with time to spare, took excellent notes, didnt dilly dally, chastised my friends for not wishing me a 'Happy Birthday' (not you bren, 1245 IN THE A.M. - very impressive). At around 3, got a voicemail from my special guy, wishing me a happy and 'profitable' birthday (I found it cute). Then paired up with my good friend Jenn to start off our Steel and Timbers Project. This day was rocking!
Then I got home and I can already see people frowning a bit thinking something horrible occurred, BUT IT DIDN'T! My mom stood by the door as I walked in and *get ready to cry everyone* sang me 'Happy Birthday' just her to me! Followed with "I love you Darciu" (pronouced Dar-Chu). This is the woman that said I broke her heart a year ago and today I got this! I LOVE MY MUDDA!
Cake, delicious Ice Cream cake from Dairy Cream was had. While photos were taken with my spankin' new digital camera. The rest of the night was talking with Jen C (whom I TOTALLY miss, you'll get a blog post all to you!) then with Ryan and then various others all wishing me a Happy Birthday.
I think this was probably one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Ever. Midterm and all.