Saturday, April 22, 2006

ANTM MEGA BLOG - echo - BLOG Blog blog....

Alritey - I just wanna waste about 2 hours and that's how long this post is going to take me, so be prepared all, there are going to be a butt load of pictures on here, so let them all load.
So, ever since Cycle 4 of America's Next Top Model, I've fallen in love with modelling, I'm looking closely at people's attire and critiquing it in my head (like the goth chick that was checking me out/casting a spell on me on the subway recently - "Sweety, if you just put some relaxer in your hair, dye it a funky blue-black, wear jeans that don't look like you robbed a homeless person and get rid of that lip piercing, you'd be fierce!") and I'm paying more and more attention to the judges and their bullshit reasoning for getting mad at and kicking out models.

But Cycle 6 has, surprisingly, had some REALLY good photo shoots and even more surprisingly singled out two models as spectacular: Danielle and Joanie.

So below, you're gonna find every photoshoot picture and my critique of each. Enjoy!

In my opinion both equally astonishing! Danielle (the one on top looks like a queen. Her features really stand out, but they aren't all up in yo' face (went ghetto in honour of her). She looks very soft and yet, almost deadly, like if you fuck with her, she's gonna getcha!
Joanie (the one on the bottom) on the other hand looks more like an alien but one you'd like to have sex with! More like a princess of an empire, she doesn't look powerful or cunning, but more curious and stern. Still a terrific p

Next, the magazine cover shoot photo. The purpose of this photo shoot was to grab a passer-by's attention, make a potential customer an actual customer. And sorry Danielle, I think Joanie got you beat in this one. Joanie's takes the entire cover, the look on her face is very striking, if I were walking by, that stance would make me stop. Whereas Danielle's, the only reason I'd stop is because if you look quickly enough at that cover, it looks like she's not wearing any underwear...a big ole vagina is something that would make me run for the hills.

And now it's time to not like Joanie so much...
This photo is not her best, I hate to say this, but I agree with what the judges said about her in this photo and that is she doesn't look good with her hair up, which not good for a model - they have to be very versatile. Joanie looks more like one of the stepsisters (she's protraying Cinderella) - you just don't love her as much when you look at this photo. Danielle on the other hand - my god! That eyebrow raised just a little, the way the eyelashes curve up just a little and the fact that even though she's protraying Snow White, you know she's not gonna eat no fucking apple from some hag!

Here the lovely ladies are protraying their future/childhood goals: Danielle a Singer and Joanie a Housewife and Mother. Again, I think both have done an equally superb job! Danielle, cannot carry a tune, but damnit you look at that picture and can't help but think about Diana Ross - she's a fucking Diva! And Joanie, with that index finger up, her man (which you can't see) holding a vaccuum and that raised eyebrow - she is that dutiful wife and mother that has dinner on the table ready for her husband when he comes home from work - but I look at this picture and can't help but think she's that dutiful wife and mother that's also just got home from her weekly banging by the postman/sheriff/poolboy/etc...and her husband is none the wiser.

So first the close ups: Does it really matter that what they're trying to sell here are shoes? Nope! First, the lovely Danielle, everyone scroll up to the bald picture and tell me if that African Queen looks anything like this Ghetto Fabulous Princess? Again, that fucking raised eyebrow, lowers my goddamn kinsey number! The arms raised above her head, the hooped earrings, the tight clothing - she looks FLAWLESS. The judges are saying the gap in her teeth needs to be closed, but um, they're fucking idiots - I think it only adds to her amazingness-ness!
And my sweet, wonderful Joanie, you can't help but smile and remember you're best time at a dance/club (mine? the second time I ever went to Buddies, just had a ball!). She just brings so much goddamn warmth in this picture, you don't even notice the hand on her boob...

Now for the far-aways of the same pictures...

Danielle - I don't even notice the clown. She looks like the sassiest bitch on the block and you know when she came to this roof party - she was the most popular guest of all. PERIOD!
Joanie - Everyone scroll up to the Housewife pic and tell me if you can see the same model - cuz I cannot! It's a perfect advertisement - it's fresh, funky and fun, you don't know she's advertising the shoes and it really doesn't matter, cuz she could be advertising braces in this picture - you'd still look at it and smile.

Ahhh, the black and white photo - the one that's suppose to show "real" emotion. Both to me look like Calvin Klien ads but I think Joanie has won this round, slightly. Danielle's looks more like a CD cover - a beautiful CD cover, that gap in her teeth, just makes it look that less cheesy and more real, but still, you can tell she's not really crying and the emotion she's conveying is about as real as the paper flower in her hair.
Joanie, still looking fake-ish, is the least fake out of the two. I look at this picture, then remember her housewife photo and I can't help but think it's the housewife that's crying in this photo - maybe her husband found out about the affair - irregardless, I like how the feeling in this photo isn't so much sadness but more desperation; she just finished bawling her eyes out and now has no idea what to do.

Here the lovely ladies are being protrayed as various types of dolls: Danielle a marionette and Joanie a ventriliquist's wooden puppet. And again, the body language here wins it entirely. Danielle looks lifeless - and that's exactly the point, she won't come to life until someone pulls on those strings in just the right way. The way her legs curve inwards and her hands are just resting in space, she's conveying the marionette flawlessly.
Joanie, again, has stolen the spotlight, I barely notice the goregous male model, her legs and arms look wooden and lifeless - but still goregous. Something about the way her right leg just curves towards the audience, she looks outstanding!

And now the close ups...

Wow. Danielle and her fucking eyebrow! My kinsey number is now officially 5.8 - I'm just amazed that she's able to be so striking and yet calming at the same time. Her features are rather big, big lips, wide nose and the gap in her teeth and yet she isn't out there, it's a pleasure to look at her and you know she's gonna sell whatever you want sold, because people will want to look at her! I know I do!
Ahhhh Joanie, at first you might think she looks a little goofy in this picture, so wide-eyed and surprised, but that's the whole point. She's suppose to be a immitation of a human being and she works it so wonderfully. The long wavy blond hair, the goregous blue eyes and corners of her mouth just stand out and draw you into the photograph. Brava Bellisima!
I really can't decide which woman I want to win - they're both beautiful and versatile and amazing and HILARIOUS! Joanie saying that Jade looks like an 85 year old woman and Danielle saying she'd rather homeschool her children rather than let Jade teach them - I was DYING - they're hilarious! And seem real (enough) - I actually want it to be a tie, I just can't decide whom I love more!
P.S. Can you tell I don't wanna study and that I take this show a little too seriously?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Kids Just Say NO to Jesus!

So Easter is upon us! Halleujah! I want to recap the backward logic I learned on Good Friday mass (I go to make my mother happy - no need being called a "Jew" by my father all weekend, especially since I have exams)

So backward lesson in logic number 1:
The priest was telling us about how the DaVinci Code takes facts and twists and turns them into a version of truth. Uhhh, what? Isn't that was church leaders in 300 AD did when the voted to consider the Trinity ONE being and not THREE making Christianity monotheistic? Or choosing to follow only 4 gospels out of the dozenS (plural) that were written?

Backward lesson in logic number 2:
The priest then went on to talk about the new discovery of the Gospel of Judas and again claimed that those who believe and "authenicated" that it's real are only doing so to harm the church. His reasoning why it's not real - because church leaders have already claimed it doesnt have the "ring of truth" as the other gospels, hundreds of years ago. He then went on to quote one of the Beatitudes:

"Blessed are those who are presecuted against righteousness for theirs is the Kingdom of God"

Here is a paraphrased quote by Priest Crazy:

"So you see, because the Church is being persecuted left, right and center - we must be doing something right!"

Backward lesson in logic number 3:
During the singing of the intentions (ie let is pray for those that have no found God, that they find him) here is one of the intentions the entire church was asked to pray for:

"Let us pray for politicians that they may lead men onto the paths of truth and freedom"

I think they forgot a part - "except for those silly faggots and dykes, cuz let's face it, they're going to hell anyways - Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner!"

I don't care that they're praying that same-sex marriage is reversed - everyone has a right to think incorrectly - it's that theyhad the audacity to use the word freedom in that intention. It's so contradictory and just WRONG and yet people couldn't see that, because everyone said "Amen" afterwards.

Now here is just a strange and disturbing realization I had during church, during the passion reading, where they read how Jesus was arrested, convicted and dies, they asked the whole congregation to be a part of it and to read along in the Missal, wherever it was marked "S"

EVERY line marked S is that of the sinners, the Jews that demanded Jesus die, Barrabas, Pilate, Judas, Peter Denying Christ, etc.

Do people have any self-respect these days? Yeah, I'm not perfect but to compare me and hard working, church-going folk with people demanding bloodshed and death - fuck, we're NOT THAT BAD!