Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Tribute to Ana and ONLY ANA!

This is Ana Katrina Coranel Pastolero born on February 18th 1984. She's an Aquarius. Usually Ana can be seen doing one of three things - eating, sleeping or laughing. Today she wasn't doing the latter :(
So, as her appointed Kuya ('cause her rabbit of a mother couldn't pop out a boy before her, so she's only an Ate) it is my duty to make her laugh, laugh, laugh her problems away.
So for you Ana:
  1. Sweet Meat is a terrific idea!
  2. Vegetables are disgusting unless cooked, nay, deep fried and then re-deep fried in lard that's been deep-fried in oil.
  3. Peas? What are peas?
  4. Squirrels and other fat and therefore adorable rodents and pests don't mind being chased; in fact they LOVE IT!
  5. Jewish men, particularly the red-haired kind, have small penises and therefore it's ok to laugh and ridicule them until our faces are blue from lack of oxygen and we suffer permanent brain damage due to this lack of oxygen - 'cause in the end, red-haired jewish men still have small penises!
  6. We didn't have Birkemoe for CIV 312/314 - we had Grabinsky and Pressnail, in fact, we genetically melded them together in a lab right beside Birkemoe's, where a terrible explosion occurred. Luckily we survived, and the end results was Grabinsky/Pressnail - those next door however, died. Painfully.
  7. Birkemoe, before the explosion, was fired, and relieved of his pension, so now he's poor, and alone cuz his twin-like wife divorced him and he stepped on his glasses. He'll never host a field trip ever again.
  8. You can survive off of bananas and yogurt and dust and lint.
  9. Your house is a mansion, filled with exotic tunnels and chunnels that you haven't yet explored.
  10. It's fun to make fun of fobby chinese guys

And Lastly,

11. You're the most wonderful person I've ever met; remember you CAN and WILL do this and piss on his grave when you do! :)

Hope that helped monkey

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Why I Love Dance Music

So recently, I have been very worried with school. Lord knows I am trying. I've practically cut off my friends and family. Unless you have MSN, I'm pretty sure you've forgotten about your plucky little friend Darek.
So to cheer myself up, I've been listening to music. And recently accquired, through completely legal processes, Madonna's newest album, 'Confessions on a Dance Floor' - why I ever gave up Dance Music is beyond me! Thank you Madge for bringing me back into the fold.
A few years ago, I felt my musical tastes were slightly one-sided; ultimately beginning a quest for a newer style of music to shake my booty too and get a better appreciation for.
I fell in love with Alternative and Rock - Linkin Park, The Cranberries, Postal Service, Stars, and even some of that Hip and/or Hop music, I actually bought the newest album by K-OS. And through this search, I found Colorblind by The Counting Crows. My favourite song of all-time, it's been two years since I found this piece of Heaven and I can still listen to the song 12 times in a row and not get sick of it. Magnificante!
After rocking out with the B-Man at Phoenix and learning all of the words to most Linkin Park songs, I began to tune in to Z103.5 and downloading Britany Spears and Xtina songs. Soon, my computer was filled with songs about love, calling someone baby, dreams and dancing.
And that's what I realized, I don't like dance because of it's deeply provacative and thoughtful lyrics that cause society to re-think it's position on many many biased traditions like other forms of music do - dance music is suppose to make you feel good. Period. Not make you contemplate how unaffair it is to have you heart broken, or how no one understands you, or how 'hard' life is for western culture. (frankly that's another rant!)
Dance music can make you feel like you're the only one in the room or it can make you feel like everyone should be watching you, cuz you're grooving the best you've ever danced in your life! I don't care that the songs don't have a deeper meaning than telling me about San Fransisco or if George Michael thinks I'm Amazing. I want to feel good about myself, forget that I'm barely getting by University and literally feel the music flow through my bones, to my feet, and making me feel like if I don't move, that's the only thing I'm gonna fail at!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Quote The Raven....I Mean People and Movies I Like

So this little post is a treat to myself and because it's about quotes I've heard over my long, long life or actual things I've said, it's a treat to all of you reading this (HERE ANA! HERE YOU GO YOU BOTTOMLESS PIT OF WONDER AT YOUR HUNGER TO PEOPLE'S BLOGS!)

Carrying on, below is a list of quotes I've heard in various movies, shows, people and myself that I've come to hold close to my heart:

"A true friend will stab you in the front" - Oscar Wilde

"Looks like someone's got a case of the s'poseduhs" Teacher from the Simpsons

"Past instances in which I pretended to be your friend were fraudulent!" Homer Simpson

"Last week, I talked Cameron Diaz out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said that Orange was the new Pink was seriously disturbed" Elle Woods from Legally Blonde

"It's UterUS, not uterYOU!" Homer Simpson

"Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purplemonkeydishwasher" Teacher from the Simpsons

"Well, we'll show him, especially for that purplemonkeydishwasher comment" Edna Krabapel

"Do you love her?"

"I don't know"

"Then you don't Tim" - from the movie Imaginary Heroes

"These were the best years of our life. At least that's what they told us. Personally, I hated high school. I hated all of you and I hope you all rot in hell" - Validictorian from Imaginary Heroes

"It was 96.9 'cuz when I went to fill up, it was 96.9, so it's 96.9" - Ashorina

"Stutterd short and uptight, Pull me out from inside" - the song 'Colorblind' by the Counting Crows

"Well I won't eat in front of you anymore...cuz you know, you're eating dust and lint, aren't you?"

"YES! Is that what you wanted to hear?" Me to Ana, after I contemplated what I was having for lunch one day.

" attention to me. attention to me." - Brendan

"It's spankin' season, and I gots me some hankerin' for some spankerin'!" - Homer Simpson

"Well's just something we're going to have to work on. "

"Should I have told you?"

"Yes. It's somthing we'll just have to work on...Darciu, you broke my heart" - my Mom, after I came out to her.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Oh Stenty, We Hardly Knew Thee! (And Thank God You Didn't Meet Oliver Twist)

Lordie Lordie, it has been a while! So let me just update all my wonderful fans about the torture I've been through for the past couple of days.

Part 1:

First thing that needs to be announced is that I am getting my left kidney removed. I was born with a congenital abnormality where the blood vessel on my left kidney crosses paths with my ureter, causing it to narrow ever so slighty due to the blood that pumps through it. This slight narrowing has turned into scarring and in the long run caused back flow into my kidney, causing it to swell (with pee). After my 22 years of life, this swelling of the kidney muscle has taken it's toll and now ole lefty is only doing 10% of what she should be doing. Lazy Hippy Kidney.

Anyways, at the end of September I underwent a gut wrenching procedure in which a stent was inserted through my urethra, into my ureter, as depicted above. The stent spreads open the ureter and viola pee flows out and into the bladder. Now, for those that just glossed over that, that means this stent (which I've nicknamed Stenty) was inserted through my penis. First a flexible plastic tube was shoved up my wang and then through the tube, a metal wire that held the stent. I was completely awake during the entire procedure and to top it off I had a local anestethic adminstered to the tip of my wang; think about that ladies and gents, that's a needle to the dick.

So for the next month and a half, Stenty and I, made the most out of our predictament and got along for the most part. The first few days were rough, she wanted out, I wanted her out. Peeing was a nightmare, I had to take deep breaths before emptying my bladder, I clutched on to the toliet paper for something to squeeze (like a pregnant lady needs someone's hand to clutch during birth) and after a few tears were shed, I felt that relief most children do coming back from church on Sunday knowing that this is the longest possible time before more torture.

But the days passed, the blood in my urine lessened, Stenty made herself at home and I eased up on liquor for her sake. Peeing became the relief it provides once again and all was well.

Then a month and half passed.

And it was time for Stenty to leave me. I couldn't sleep the night before the procedure; I was too nervous. And the morning following at St. Mike's Hospital, I lead out some tears as those heartless doctors kept me awake as they ripped her from my bodice. She was gone.

But I was reminded of her shortly after, when I went to pee; there was that mindnumbing stinging pain, my body's way of telling me it would never be whole again.

Now as you all wipe away those tears at that heart wrenching story, you suddently remember my title included a reference to Oliver Twist!

Part 2:

My friend Jamie invited me to see our friend,Arlene, preform in Lester B. Pearson's Theatre production of "Oliver Twist". Since I never read the book, nor seen the movie or play or musical, I figured "Why not?!".

Now let me say that Arlene stole the show completely! I didn't even know the girl could sing, but the moment she opened her mouth and that choir-of-angels of a voice she has poured out of her, I was enamored. Brava Arlene!

But before I heard Ms. Paculan's voice, I had to listen, no wait, listen is too good a word, it signifies some kind of respect, I had to suffer through Oliver Twist's voice. Now I won't name the young chap you played Oliver Twist, but calling him terrible would be a compliment. You all know how I had to prep myself to pee after Stenty, God rest her soul, was placed inside of me, that's exactly what I had to do to prep for Oliver's voice. Deep breathes, clutching my program, wincing in agony. No pitch, no acoustics, nothing. I'd rather listen to microphone malfunctions. I had goosebumps not from being struck by this child's voice, but from the fact that my soul not only died inside of me, but began to rot a little. To say I was happy when the play was over, would be a lie. I was angry. This little wretch did the equivalent of scratching nails on a chalkboard throughout his preformance.

Some may say "Darek! That's a little harsh, especially since the "singer" was only 13" and some might say that either he has incredibly supportive parents that allow their son to follow any dream he wishes. I say these people are simple-minded. He clearly has parents that don't love him and were probably back stage, laughing away, saying "Can you believe we got him to preform in this?".

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The Divine Miss R.

So to put it bluntly, this my tribute post to the oh-so-fabulous and exotic 8th wonder of the world known simply as RuPaul. Or as I've nicknamed her, the Divine Miss R (for you straighties, that's in honour of Bette Midler).

Where to start! I was first captivated by this dazzling performer while on vacation in florida with my family when I was 10. It was the one rainy day during our trip and so my family stayed in our little motel room, watching american tv when my brothers found MTV and lo and behold whose video was playing? RuPaul's "Supermodel" at first I thought in my innocence "That pretty lady has pretty hair" and then my brother asked my Dad "Hey Tata, is that a man or a woman?" My dad responded "THAT'S a man?!" And I think the world may have stopped spinning. For the next 3 minutes I was speechless.

Back in Canada, I never saw RuPaul again. It would be 9 long years until we were reunited again.

The next time I saw RuPaul, I had burst from my closet and was in my first year at Civil Engineering at the University of Toronto. Meeting my first clump of gay friends, being informed of the latest movies to watch, I was told to watch "But I'm a Cheerleader" I did and my jaw dropped again, THERE WAS RUPAUL! But not in drag, but still spectacular! Can you imagine the most glamourous woman in the world teaching a bunch of mo's how to be men? The result? PURE hilarity!

So I began to google and found and that's where this wonderful picture arose. If you all didn't know that this ravaging beauty was a man, would you think it? I doubt it very much. It's not so much the clothes (or lack there of) but the pose, the laugh, the tilt of the headand shoulders - in short form, the glamour. If RuPaul was a guest judge on America's Next Top Model I just might explode (literally and metaphorically).

THAT'S why I think the world of Miss Thang over here; she's the most glamourous man I've ever seen.