Absolutes

So you know how there are so very, very, very few absolutes in the world? Like rape is always wrong, no matter what well here's two more:

This man is a pervert and a criminal. That is all.

Dunk!

I'm a dunker. You give me a glass of milk with cookies, you better believe those cookies are gonna be dunked into said milk. Tea biscuits with tea? Sandwich with soup? Donut with coffee? Toast and eggs? All dunkable treats with optimum dunkability to achieve prime homogeneity. What was once a cookie and a glass of milk, is now both cookie and milk - and yet something so much more! That dry salami sandwich you were just chompin' on? Well get yourself a small $3 bowl of cream of mushroom soup and BOOM! Sandwich and soup combine together to form a unified taste sensation that cannot be beat! Is your tea weak? Dunk a tea biscuit in that motherfucker! Not only with that tea sweeten up ever so slightly, but that hard-as-a-brick biscuit will now have soften to achieve prime chewability and deliciousness. Over easy eggs are just begging to be poked with toast or a crispy strip of bacon to let out that delicious yolk to turn your breakfest into a sloppy, salty brine of yellow delicious. Everything on your breakfast plate begins to taste a little like everything else!

So the next time you see a spunky, adorable 25 year old with piercing blue eyes dunkin' his donuts into his hot chocolate or his sandwich in his soup, don't mock me him but revel in his genius at knowing a good thing when he sees it.

BAM!

I really appreciate a good model. I've done a few posts on ANTM past cycles and my friends usually tell me that I do a good job critiquing photos. I think it comes down to something I've called "BAM Factor" - yes I know that's incredibly cheesey but it's the only way I can describe it. In my most humble opinion, a model has done a great job with a photo/ad/cover when I feel like I've been shot looking at it. It's something I've noticed where my head will literally whip back ever so slightly because I'm amazed at what I'm seeing and I'll continue to stare and try to find that flaw in the photo. If after a minute or two I cannot, then damn, wham, bam (hehe), thank you ma'am!

I'm not saying this BAM factor is hard to come by, many girls on ANTM and CNTM have accomplished this but a truly great model will continually dish out BAM photos throughout her career - the nearly extinct species of model referred to as a 'Supermodel'. I'm sorry to say but they are a dying breed - very few models can pull such a wide range of emotions, marketability, and style.

There are three traits/abilities I think all models, in order to transform into that semi-mythical 'Supermodel', have to master:

1. Close-up face shot. This is usually just dumb luck - yes yes yes yes, models don't have to be pretty - but most are. Most supermodels are STUNNING even without photoshot and airbrushing and hours behind the make-up chair. It's not about your face being beautiful, it's about your face being marketable - I would assume in order to be successful in modeling you'd have to get over that people are not looking at you but the work behind you and thinking that's you.
   
2. Chameleon ability. People will get bored of your pretty face. It, along with you, has to change. But that change can't be permanent, it has to happen and then quickly change into something else. I find that most Supermodels have mastered the art of mimicry.
   
3. Ability to sell the product. All models are selling you something even when they're not. A Supermodel has to be able to sell the product but also herself. After I'm done looking at the face and body, I stare at the picture longer looking (whether it's intentional or not) at the product she's selling - clothes, electronics, make-up, jewelry. All Supermodels have that one ad that shot them to stardom.

Let's take a look at, oh I don't know, the queen of all models, Linda Evangelista:

Her close up is flawless. She has full control over every aspect of her face - her jawline, her mouth, her teeth, her nose (which is a little crooked but that doesn't matter here), her eyes and ending at her eyebrows. Can't tell they're the same person can you? The body language, those fucking legs, the expression on her face - all completely different from the previous photo and yet still just as stunning. Total BAM factor here. It's just an amazing picture.

You may not think this fair because it's goddamn Italian Vogue but you better believe they sold that issue of the magazine. It's just a stunning photo! She's covered up, her face is not entirely visible and yet it's just full of BAM factor. You can't help but look at it and start scanning the photo. You see she's sitting cross-legged, the eyebrow you can see is raised ever so slightly, and the exaggerated posture stops looking so exaggerated and more regal over time.

Up next and no, I didn't pick Chanel Iman because she was recently on ANTM, I picked her because I fell in love with her ever since this iconic issue of Vogue came out:

Just stare at this photo for a minute or two. Those fucking lips - damn! The smallest curl of the right side of her mouth. The shape of her eyes. You can even tell she's crossing her arms in front of her chest and that makes the entire face-shot something different, doesn't it?Yes her face is all scrunched up but it's still different enough that she doesn't look like the woman above and yet is just as pleasant to look at. She really does look like she's singing!

I want that dress. Why? I have no idea. I'm not gonna wear it but the look on her face, the way she's twirling it, the little bit of ankle we're seeing, the graceful way her hand is clutching the dress without looking gnarled - it all comes together really nicely. BAM!

And lastly, lookie here, another Canadian gem, Coco Rocha. Let's take a look at the close-up:

Flawless. What about the Chameleon ability?

Done! She kinda looks like Linda Evangelista here, no?
BAM! Even though you can't see her face, it's the body language and her ability to utilize the garment that's important. Her legs look beautiful, it's very demure, and the clothing looks terrific.

I think I posted this to make a point - the age of supermodels or, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, top models *shudder* are over. VERY few women can pull off everything that is needed in order to be super at modeling (get it?). I'm just appreciating those rare gems when I see them.

Nerd Porn

So you know how Disney owns Marvel now? Well what would happen if Marvel could put a little influence on the sweet, bubbly princesses we've all grown up with over the years?

My comments below but a big BRAVO to Artist Jeffery Thomas for his unique and simply amazing artwork and brillant idea!

What would happen if Ariel had become the sea-witch?
What would happen if the apple was cursed instead of poisoned?What would happen if Pochantas slayed the white man that came to her shores?
What would happen if Nala took revenge on Simba for abandoning all the lionesses to Scar?
What would happen if Mulan didn't return home?

What would happen if Jasmine wanted all the power of a Genie?

What would happen if Jane, not Tarzan, was raised in the jungle?

What would happen if the Stepmother's Fairy Godmother visited her that night?

What if they never fell in love?

What would happen if Aurora never woke up?

What would happen if Alice never left Wonderland?

Reminiscing

This is what happens when I listen to happy and sad songs at the same time...

The Francophone

He was sweet. He was nervous when we met. He spoke French. I thought he was really cute. He listened. He brought me four mini-gifts on our second date. I still have two of them. It took him three dates to finally kiss me. Ashorina didn’t like his eyebrows. My friends didn’t find him interesting. Except Yungsiow. He had a drinking problem. He was always excited when I called. He was ready to say those three little words after a month. We made out until 4 am once, rolling around my basement. He said those three little words, drunk, in my bed. I broke up with him a month later.

The Engineer

He had the same t-shirt as me. We liked to take walks together. I felt so bad for his boyfriend. I wanted to kiss him the first time I saw him. He could finish my sentences. He said he’d protect me from the things in the dark. His lips tasted like cherries the first time I kissed them. He said I was delicious. I was never on his checklist. He left me broken-hearted. I left him completely alone. I was (am?) his sunshine. He looked back at me as I pulled out of the movie theatre parking lot. He was just learning how to drive standard. Me being in his car made it better. I broke into his hideout. But never found him.

The Cop

I told him I would take him on a tour of the city since he was still new to it. We ended up watching a movie instead. His laugh was more abrasive than mine. He made me feel safe. He was more ticklish than me. He would make me dinner. I think about him the most. I wonder if he thinks of me. He liked cuddling me as much as I liked cuddling him. He would shake in his sleep. I wish I had gone up to Windsor when he asked. I like to debate. He didn’t. He let me drive his car. I pissed him off once. He was never concerned about me. We napped together on our second date. He was the first to call me his boyfriend.

Hating the Haters & Loving the Losers

So...I don't get it. Over the weekend I saw 'Jennifer's Body' and thought it was great! And I don't mean "OMG YOU GUYS!? IT'S SOOOOOO BAD, IT'S GOOD!" - I was genuinely impressed with the movie, the actors, the directing, the writing, and cinematography. There are parts of the movie that are simply adorable (when Amanda Seyfried is losing her virginity), parts of the movie that are gorey and gross (Megan Fox eating fried chicken), parts of the movie that are funny (all I can say about this is 'Wikipedia'), parts that are genuinely scary ('Are you scared?' from the trailer), and parts that are actually quite sad (the ending).

What I don't get is how people are just shitting ALL OVER this movie! And for no sound reason. Last night, whilst having dinner with dear friends of mine, most just could not believe that Jennifer's Body was great. I told myself going into the movie "I'm watching this to see if Megan Fox can act" - no high hopes, no low expectations, just went in as neutral as possible. Is this Oscar worthy? No. But it was never meant to be. You can clearly tell it's a movie written by Diablo Cody - "You're just jello" - but, where Juno's edgy dialouge gets tired if you watch the movie one too many times, Jennifer's Body does not have that problem - the dialouge flows, you feel like you're watching teenagers speaking their "cool" slang that we all had in high school. And guess what? Megan Fox can act. Amanda Seyfried is great! Diablo Cody is not a one hit wonder.

I blame the critics. Critics, before seeing this movie, already judged it because Megan Fox was in it; based on what? Transformers? She barely said anything in that movie! AND SHE KNOWS THIS! We all know she's seen as the 'Bad Girl' for telling the truth that she was hired for that movie because she's walking sex. Well why are there people blaming her for that? That's like blaming the victim of rape for wearing a mini-skirt.

Megan Fox is really attrac- she's a fuckin' hottie. Any red-blooded heterosexual man/gay woman would JUMP at the chance to have sex with her and there is NOTHING wrong with that. But I'm guessing Diablo Cody took a chance and wanted to see if Ms. Fox could do more than pout (which is all she was directed to do in Transformers 1 & 2) and guess what? She can. She DOVE into this role and it shows - apparently there was tension between her and Amanda Seyfried on set but did that show in the movie? Nope! You'd think they really were BFF's watching this movie. What does that mean everyone? Professionalism that translated into an actual ability to preform.

My point is that it's really unfair that people knock down a good actress before she has even set herself up. What's also infuriating is that because everyone talks about how "bad" Megan Fox was in this movie, no one is talking about great Amanda Seyfried is! I cannot believe that is the same actress that played Karen Smith in Mean Girls. She went from total ditz to total awesome and deserves respect for that! Plus have you seen pictures of her when she's not playing the meek, nerdy best friend - damn! - total hottie! Yet no one is shitting all over her...

I just really hate when a good movie (Solid B+) gets crapped on because pretentious critics don't want to see an attractive woman succeed. Yet when movies with enormous plot holes, movies that could easily have one hour of dialouge removed, and movies that are simply bad are touted as works of art and "you're a fool if you don't believe this!" go on to make millions and millions and shoot actors that really don't deserve it into super-stardom, I can't help but feel like I'm watching an episode of ANTM and Tyra Banks has just told a girl to be herself and versatile - um what? I don't get it.

Never Been Kissed

I promised myself I would never use this blog as a way to discuss real emotion. I've used to bitch and moan and whine about the state of the world because, quite frankly, lots of shiz just pisses me the eff off. I don't like it when people are late, I don't like close-minded douchebags that tell me how I should live my life, and I don't like James Blunt (dickhead). But my posts about those issues don't really matter - one online journal with one person's thoughts isn't going to change the world; so that's why it's so hard to discuss something that actually matters to me, that's personal, that's scary...

Until very recently (damn Italians, they.are.direct.) I can't remember the last time I was kissed. Well duh I've been kissed, lots of times, but what I mean is actually being the one who is kissed as opposed to the one who starts the kissing. 99% of the time first dates, boyfriends, or even random make-out guys at clubs (Hi spaghetti boy), I'm the one that leans in, taking that plunge, hoping they'll lean forward and kiss back. I'm either watching TV at his place on the couch, sitting on a tree that's grown crooked and creates a ledge over a river to sit on, or we've just watched a horrific movie and boom, I'm flooded with images of me leaning in, me getting those butterflies in my stomach, me getting paranoid a split second before the kiss that maybe he won't kiss me back and then it happens. And it's nice. And I laugh, or smile, or giggle, or say something stupidly flirty like "Your lips taste like cherries" or "What a fucked up movie, no?" or "Let's go to the bedroom" (ok, ok, that last one isn't flirty as it is slutty, but whatever).

I recently deleted all my online profiles in the hopes of getting out of a bad habit - see a nice guy online, write him a message, add him to my msn, chat some, go on a date, hit it off (or don't), kiss him goodnight (or don't), see him again (or don't). It got boring. It got tiresome, seeing all the same people online, all the time, putting up their best pictures in the best light in the hopes it attracts someone. Writing about their love of life and how they like open-minded, sweet guys with a kind smile; have you ever read a profile in which someone is looking for a close-minded pessimist with missing teeth and mean as shit?

It's been about a month since I've taken myself off the market and I don't feel any better, I just feel lonelier and I find myself thinking about the potential great, wonderful, terrific people I am not meeting because for some reason I have it in my head that this is best for me...for now.

Maybe this was just some word vomit (ah thank you Mean Girls) that needed to come out so that I can feel better about myself but now I feel worse. I guess I want to be desired. I want to be kissed. I want to be the one that gets the call for the second date. I want to be the thing acted on, not the one doing the acting. I want to feel like a song, I want to remind someone of a lyric, I want to be thought of. Fuck, even after some shit about real emotion, I still end up just whining.

Palin Pains Me

Ugh. I still can’t believe that I have the need to talk about these idiots. Governor of Alaska (read as: NOT Vice President of the United States) Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, recently gave birth to her wedlock baby, a daughter named in honor of Bristol’s brother Trip, Fall, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Anyways, there’s an article written in the Sun about the formally preggers Palin where it states:

“Bristol also said in the interview that her mother's view of abstinence is not realistic at all and that like her mother, she too is a Right to Life supporter.”

This is where my ears perked up. Bristol later went on to say:

“It was my choice to have the baby. It doesn't matter what my mom's views are on it. It was my decision.”

You see why I ugh’d before yes? That statement is the very definition of being a Right to Choice supporter, not a Right to Life supporter. For argument’s sake, I’m going to give Bristol the benefit of the doubt and say the decision to have Fall was entirely hers and not her mother’s political party. I mean, seriously, come on, if your mother was the Vice-Presidential Nominee for the Republican Party (read as: the Presidential Nominee for the Republican Party) and her daughter a) had pre-marital sex in a state that wants abstinence-only education b) got pregnant from the pre-marital sex and c) had an abortion to, you know, secure a brighter future for herself and her boyfriend the GOP might as well have put up a Black, Pre-op Transsexual Lesbian with a santorum fetish and a platform for backing gun laws. I got side-tracked…

Anywho, the assumption stands; Bristol chose to have Fall despite her mother’s and her mother’s political party’s dangerous and ridiculous beliefs and dived into motherhood at 18 years of age. Bristol Palin is therefore pro-choice. She said it herself; the decision to have her daughter was and always has been her choice. CHOICE

SAY IT WITH ME AGAIN EVERYBODY – CHOICE!

I hate doublespeak. I hate that people don’t listen to the words they speak out loud. I hate stupidity. I hate when it’s painstakingly obvious and the interviewer (for Fox News) just nodded her head and glossed over the fact that Bristol Palin, announced to the entire world, she is Pro-Choice and there was a time, for however small it was, where she considered an abortion and chose not to have one. Here's where I have to hold in the terror screams - she's glossed over the fact that if she wanted to she could've had an abortion but decided she didn't want one and had her baby. If the world was run the way her idiotic mother and political party want the world run, SHE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SAY THAT THE DECISION WAS HERS! Ah. AH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry folks, couldn't keep it in!

Bristol Palin is not a hero that should be congratulated for her choice to have a baby when she wasn’t ready. She should be pitied because her future has been diminished and all the opportunities she had, simply by her birthright, are pretty much gone (say what you will about Sarah Palin, but being the child of a governor or senator pretty much guarantees you a spot in your parent’s alma mater – I mean George W. Bush is a graduate from Yale – fucking Yale!).
Even though my distain runs deep for your mother Bristol, I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world, congratulations on a healthy baby, and sincerely hope you learn from the mistakes of your past – I’m not talking about your pregnancy btw…