Thursday, December 13, 2007

ANTM: America's Next Top Meh

So how utterly dissappointed was I that Tootie I mean Saleisha won ANTM Cycle 9? In fact this past cycle and the one before it, were the worst EVER in ANTM history. Why? Well let's take a look at the winners from ANTM cycle 9:

Ugh, Saleisha. She may look cute and adorable in this photo...oh wait, she looks cute and adorable in every photo! There's no high-fashion here. There's nothing I can make fun of! Even when she's trying out her black-itude she's cute as a pixy!

Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggh! Jaslene or as she says her name "Jhas-Lin". She's the winner from ANTM 8 and this taco's burrito is just too spicy!! Too thin, too cleft-chinned, too guacomole! I felt sorry for her because a highlight of her career will be part of a runway show from some designer in China that couldn't get an actual audience, so he had to hire people to watch his clothing line.

Plus she has deaf-voice. "Eathy, breathy, boo-ti-fol cober gurl!"

I'm going to go thru all of Saleisha's boring ass adorable pictures and show you how STUPID modeling agencies are for wanting this as their representative. (My theory is that Tyra picks maybe 500 girls, bring them to the agency, the CEO or president or whatever says "I want this one" points to a girl and Tyra picks 12 other girls to make a very entertaining show.)

Photoshoot 1:
Yeah, ok, Saleisha looks pretty hot here. Crossed legged, kinda giving the goddess heather to her left the "hey girl" look. But why? Is it her fierce modelling ways? Nope. Two words - long hair.

Photoshoot 2:

She's upside down. Look at that. That's all I really have to say about this picture because a)I can see the harness and therefore it's nothing special and b) she looks like she's holding on to the rope.

Photoshoot 3:

She looks sick. Not sick as in fly or hot or "daaaaaamn" - like unhealthy, itchy and gross. She's suppose to be a tulip. She looks like a cross between an Ewok and a rash.

HERE is a good picture from this shoot:

Meet the smartest person ever on ANTM - Victoria. She's suppose to be a cactus and has the distinction of showing how stupid it is that Jay Manuel and Tyra take themselves seriously by uttering one of the best lines ever: "You're not being Baby's Breathe enough!" I love her. And her picture protrays what she is - she looks uncomfortably, prickly and the twist in her neck reminds me of the grooves you find in cacti. This was the photo that she got eliminated for.

Photoshoot 4:

Can anyone tell me why her va-gooch looks so big and well wide? All I think about is Mean Girls and "it's not my fault I have a wide-set vagina and a heavy flow!" and now because I've said THAT all I can think of is "My anus is bleeding!".

She's a "fashion-gargoyle" - do you suppose the people that come up with these shoots realize no one cares what the girls do, so long as they look hot, so they just smoke up all day and watch disney cartoons? Cuz I do...

Photoshoot 5:

Girl's a tire, ya'll. Yep a fucking tire. Now I can't blame the pixy for Tyra's stupidness and I have to admit she looks hot. But you could put virtually any background behind her and you would still notice the cute pixy in the tight skirt. There's nothing here relating her to her, albeit. stupid ass photoshoot.

She's still looks like Tootie!

Photoshoot 6:
Remember when you were young and when you had to go pee you'd grab your crotch, thinking this would hold in the pee?

I wonder why I'm suddenly reminded of this....
Photoshoot 7:
It's Moe from the 3 Stooges everyone! She doesn't look cute here but more like something is just off about her face. Like she was caught laughing? Or sneezing? I dunno, too much pixy dust will do that to you.
Also - a vest and a tank top? Really?...Really?

Photoshoot 8:
So apparently the theme for this photoshoot was being a "Chinese-Princess". She's black. Nuff said.

But wait! Before I'm called a racist - a new hilarious colleague of mine made the great point of asking "What in the fuck is a Chinese Princess anyway?! They had their feet bound and were sold once they started menstrating - nothing regal about that!" Excellent point! But if I were to think of a Chinese Princess, I would think someone covered up, demure, shy but sexy as hell, I would think of:

Heather. Oh look at that. She's covered up (for the most part). She's very shyly sticking out her leg and in a very seductive stance. And I can totally see in my mind her walking down these stairs as the entire court just gasps at her beauty. Which is the image one would want when thinking of a Chinese Princess!

This is the photo she got eliminated for.

Photoshoot 9:

I think the theme for this photoshoot was to be a chief warrior trying to scale the Great Wall of China. I see a girl, bouncing, and she's gonna smash into the wall. I also see a girl that has the cartoon remedy for a tooth-ache around her face. And she looks stumpy.

The thing that bothered me about this photo is that the judges LOOOOOOVED it. Some saying it was the best in the history of ANTM - REALLY?!

Best in the history of ANTM? This?! But not say,

this one:

Kahlen as the Sin of Wrath.

Or this one:
Britney as some sexy-ass candy!

Or this one:
Victoria as part of her anti-smoking campaign (look at the reflection in the mirror).

With Tyra telling me THAT photo of Tootie was the best ever - I felt like I was in George Orwell's 1984 and soon Big Brother aka Tyra was going to tell me that 2+2 is sometimes 5 if she sees fit for it to be 5!!

Photoshoot 10:

Again she's adorable. And you know what? That's perfectly fine. She's selling (or trying to) fruit flavoured lip gloss to little girls. You want someone cute for that. And it's completely fine that she's commerical. But when you try to make a commercial model a high fashion model - you get a cute girl with a toof-ache trying to conquer the Mongols. There is no such thing as a Top Model - and I thank you Saleisha for pointing this out!