Thursday, August 31, 2006

Darek: Then and Now

Darek 7 years ago:
Grade 11
- 16 years old
2 kidneys
Short-ish hair - gelled way too much
Bad skin - wore a lot of clothing to cover it up
Very Catholic - suffering is good*said between clenched teeth* up early for church and daily prayer make you a discplined and healthy person *said between clenched teeth*
Pro-Life - "The mother has made her choice, she has to live with it now" - my philosophy back then
Anti-Death Penaulty - "The person on death row wasn't judged by God as he should be, but by man, who is flawed" - something I said during law class
Anti-Euthanasia - "No person on the planet as the right, a right solely belonging to God, to end a life"- again, something said during grade 11 law
Part of the Student Chaplency - started a prayer group still going on during school right now
Prayer - I use to pray a part of the rosary every day, during my lunch break
Terribly Closeted - "There's nothing wrong with gay people - but Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin"
Salesian - finally popular-esque
Future Goal - Becoming a priest, specifically a Jesuit, so I could travel the world, educating people; the Jesuits were the smartest of the priests.

Darek - Today
1 kidney
Short hair - and that's how it's staying for now
Good skin - it feels good to wear a short sleeve shirt without being shy
Very Untitled - there's God and he's grand, but I ain't getting up early for you anymore
Pro-Choice - If someone is going to have the audacity to tell me how to live my life, I can't be the same kind of prick to someone else - my philosophy now
Anti-Death Penaulty - I can't believe I'm going to say this, but this is something I picked up from my dad - If someone does a barbaric crime, like molest a child, kill a human being, or rape a woman then death is the easy way out for them. Hard labour, 2 meals a day, up at 6 every day for the rest of their lives is what will make them truly regret what they've done - Amen Tata.
Euthanasia - My cousin's friend just died of liver cancer, she suffered immeasureably the last few months of her life. Her daughter couldn't touch her and her family began to shun her. Can anyone out there tell a dying woman she has no right to end her own suffering?
Part of the Queer Engineering Group - I haven't done much, but would like to do more. This year is going to be different. Either with the group or finally writing for the engineering paper.
Prayer - I haven't prayed in years; I miss the basic rituals in life that seperated me from the animals.
Out and Proud - Being gay is the greatest thing about me. Without it, I'd be voting conservative, sleeping with an Agnieska or Magda or Ania before church and going to Fregata on friday nights after my shift at the Gap. An open mind is better than the security of a closed one.
Myself - surrounded by terrific friends. nerdy as fuck though :D
Future Goal - no clue. Nothing engineering-like.


(Post-surgery Post will be up soon-ish)
So my friend ROBYN IS THE BESTEST FRIEND IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! She is the winner of the Friendy’s this time and you’ll see why she’s so much better than ANY of the bitches reading this post right now. Honestly you’ll feel bad about yourselves and the way you’ve been my friend after reading and seeing all the wonderful things she’s done. She just stopped by, from Niagara Falls, to say hello and see how I was feeling and is now on her way back to Niagara Falls – she just stopped by for a half hour. That’s right BITCHES feel bad, feel really really bad about yourselves right now!

So this time, instead of a long list of reasons why I love this girl to pieces, I'm gonna show you what makes her so unique. Robyn has this terrific habit of making little cards for her friends when they've gone through a dramatic time (for engineers that means exams that went shittily) or when she thinks they're blue.

Here is every card she's ever made for me:

On the inside of the card it says:
You'll be able to walk normal again
You'll be able to stop men from wearing pink
You'll be able to have any man you want (if you don't already...I wouldn't be surprised)
You'll be able to stand up to those "evil, tempting, beautiful" women that you have a hard time saying "NO" to, even though you don't really want to
You'll rule the world
You'll win the lottery and take me on a trip
You'll break that bad habit of snorting coke off a hooker's stomach
You'll be the most beautiful person already are! :) awww muffin
You'll stop having kidney problems
You'll marry Donald Trump....ewwwwwwww
You'll finish reading this card and you'll LOVE it
I hope you feel better because you deserve better! :) *HEART* Roybn
-she wrote this for me after a good old fashioned bitch fest about a boy, stupid andrew *mumbling profanities*
Here’s the second card she’s made me:
On the inside of the card it says:

“Puppys, rainbows, nice weather, being out with your favourite person, Robyn, eating favourite food, hot guy, puppies, horses, vanilla smelling things, Robyn, Birkemoe, Bamboo, the movie Ever After, boyfriend, best friends…”

How did you get so tought?!? You win the award for toughest cookie ever! And the most gorgeous…tee hee.

I hope you feel better and your little guy doesn’t hurt too much. You’re a trooper!

(I wish I could take your potential pain)

With Love, Robyn

And on the back of the second card, because she knows how much I love crosswords:
-this was after my gut wrenching procedure with a stent and no anathesia, read ' So Long Stenty, We Hardly Knew Thee!' for all the drama.

Here’s the third card:
Here’s what’s written (and drawn) on the inside:

Hey Darek,

I couldn’t think of anything to put on the cover, but then I caught you stroking the pole in front of you. I know it is a pleasing site, that wonderfully cast concrete column (even with the bug holes) but at least keep it private. I mean c’mon, you were practically drooling, with your mouth open like Jayla during one shoot.

So what do you think about the show now? Who’s going to win? This is of course, after I severely HURT Nicole…haha. I can see her getting better, but she’s not my style. EWWWWW

Lots of heart shape

-after some boredom in the beautiful Bahen Centre, getting a much needed tutorial before a final - MAYBE THIS IS WHY I FAIL?!

Here’s the fourth:
Hey Darek!

Well at lease your kidney will be going to things more usefullike:

Kidney Pie
Dog Food
Hot Dogs
Kidney-shaped pool design
ALL Chinese food
Handbags for celebrities
Etc etc etc

So, do not be sad. Your kidney had a greater purpose than you could have ever known. Now, you can be happy! You are such a good provider. J

-after learning that I would have to get my Kidney removed, she's so beautiful it's ridiculous!

The fifth card but hopefully not last :(

Starts off with “YAM….mmmmmm” (Yeah that confused me too)

Did you know that Peter Lassonde was a C- average student at U of T and now he is one of the most successful businessmen in Canada? He was the largest supply of diamonds, gold, nickel, copper, etc. He rules the world! And so can you. J I would worship you if you became King…for sure.
Hey Darek, my beauty.

I hope you have a wonderful day today. I know yesterday was a little tough, but I want you to know what things will be ok. Life has a funny way of working out. Besides, I think you are very smart and you should never think otherwise. Obviously my opinion means everything, so believe me! (I should be in the Bible…I’m that good) You’ll do great on Municipal; time to turn over a new leaf. Don’t let anything in the past bug you!


With a penguin on the back, because we all know Penguins are the ancient Chinese symbol of Nice-ness :)

We call what this girl as done, OVERTIME ladies and gents - she truly is the Queen of queens :)

-this was after I completely bombed my Municpal Engineering Midterm - 15.5/30!! But she was right, I ended up with a 70 in that class :)

So to you and you fabulous rump Robyn, I salute you!
I mean look at that thing, you can bounce quarters off of it and shit!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Bye Bye Motherfucking Kidney!

So tomorrow is the big motherfucking day! I'm finally getting rid of the kidney that doesn't let me sleep on my sides and causes me so much fucking discomfort if I sit/stand/walk for too long. But this post is about tomorrow - it's about how great today was!

So it started in the morning - I didn't wake up exhausted - I didn't wake up peppy and full of energy like the freaks of nature known as Christine and Jamie - but I wasn't exhausted and therefore not a grumpy bitch. I could even hold a conversation with my Dad!

At work, I didn't do too much box-cutting, mostly putting together orders, assembling stuff, and then I was surprised with the greatest surprise (at that point of the day) ever! My co-workers bought me pizza!!! FOUR OF THEM! It was so delicious - new favourite pizza is chicken and bruscetta - mmmmmmmm, I'm looking at you Jen; I know that sounds most appealing to you :)

So after the little pizza party, I learned that my boss Hanna is a lot cooler than I thought before - she speaks fluent German, her daughter is living in Switzerland, married to a Swiss guy and Hanna has an apartment back in Switzerland, which she plans on moving back to, when she retires.

I then got a little sad, everyone at work was sad to see me leave. Three people told me they would pray for me and Rena (the Alpha Female) along with Illiyn (the woman I thought was really mean at first but turned out to be so-so nice (notice the hyphen)) and then a surprise hug from Janita and Hanna. Sooooooo much hugging! ALL FOR ME!

So I get home, shower and change and then me and Bren go see Snakes on a Plane; it is, by far, the best movie of the summer. Motherfucking terrific!!!!!

But before Snakes on a Plane, I was pleasantly surprised by my best friend's gift to me -

This is one of those gifts that just goes to show you how great a friend can be at what should be his best friend's scariest moment in life - I burst out laughing when I saw the diagram and read what he wrote on the shirt. It completely made my day, I could have had my surgery then and there and would have it with a smile on my face. Thanks Brendan - one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.

What's written on the shirt you may ask?

Do you all see what I mean now? Who rocks the motherfucking hizzie? B-man does, that's who motherfucken does!
So after Snakes on a Plane, which again, greatest movie of the summer, Bren treated me to Denny's, we finally finished our talk that was interrupted at Crystal's farewell party and laughed it up, wondering why Avril doesn't do TYS (Things You Said) anymore and how it's left our lives a little empty. Austrailia is now something I would like to do next year and Denny's gives you CRAZY itis.
After Denny's it was time for Second Cup, where we ended the night talking about Transformers the Movie and how much we absolutely LOVED Beasties and Beast Machines; I learned he loved Dinobot and he learned I love Black Arachnia.
Thank you to all who have given me best wishes and prayers during this time, my surgery is at 11:45am tomorrow at St. Michael's Hospital.
To conclude I leave you with some of the greatest quotes said by Samuel L. Jackson - the NEW Chuck Norris. That's right, Chuck Norris is out and Samuel L. Jackson is in:
"I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" - Snakes on a Plane
"That's a Duck, not a Dick" - The Long Kiss Goodnight
"English Motherfucker?! Do you speak it?!?" - Pulp Fiction
"Geena Davis: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?
Samuel L. Jackson: I took lessons!" - The Long Kiss Goodnight (that one was for you travis)

And the best quote said by Samuel L. Jackson:
"If you're gonna mouth off sir, I remind that if you go to jail and you will go to jail, you will be assfucked for the next three years and if by some miracle you are not charged and don't go to jail, I will personally hire someone to assfuck you for the next three years, so if you're an assfuckin' fan, I suggest you go and mouthoff to me" - The Long Kiss Goodnight
To all my dear friends who have prayed for me, kept me in your thoughts and worried for me, I love you all from the bottom of my heart; thank you for being there, I'll see you guys in a few days, hopefully sooner :)

Sunday, August 20, 2006


So this is KEEEERRRRAZY late but I'm still amazed by how many great photos I took on this little excursion to Calumet Quebec for a 3 day rafting trip.


I don't know what Jen was eating, but it was either really really really good OR really really bad...

And it caught the attention of Jonas and Claudia apparently...

Oh Mima was caught masturbating...

Here's the lovely Janey looking as lovely as ever, thanks for helping put all this together - it was an amazing experience!

Look Claudia, you're not the only one with talent with the camera! JEALOUS?!

Hey look, that celebrity is masturbating! Too bad we can't tell who that sexy fine bitch is due to his incognito glasses!!!

Sigh...why can't you people just leave Jamie alone, while he's posing for you? All he wants is to live his life in peace, while posing for you and he can't do that, if you're gonna take pictures of him every 5 minutes, while he's posing for you!

Not only was Bella masturbating, but she didn't get caught until she reached the Big-O; truly organic experience my fine ass Bella!

Photoshoot time! The challenge is to be a mirror image of the other person - I was clearly distracted by Mima's breasts, just like every breathing thing on the planet; hell I'm sure flowers fucking turn to her when she walks by!

Tyra: "I like how you guys are showing your versatility but are still yourselves. But Mima I think you depend too much on your breasts and not enough on your ragadociousity. Darek, I'm going to be blunt, I don't know how you made this far - you're immature at the photoshoots, you don't take Ms. J seriously as a professoinial, when Jay Manuel told you to be more "Oomph-y" you just stared at him dumbfounded, you didn't even understand what he meant and you're male, a clear violation in this contest - but Darek, there's something about you I can't seem to let go - Thanks Mima."

Brendan! You heard what Paddy the Bus Driver said: "Donnabuyadrinkwithanymilkoracreaminit *grunt* *mumblemumble* *whuzzle whazzle* orelseIneedstagetsanewseatferdabusdere - dunnamakemetappathesign"

I don't think he can be anymore clear in his explicit instructions!

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems! Here here B-man, this trip wouldn't have been the same without ya!

*Note to self* When doing my Janet Jackson "Every Time" Video Impersonation with Anthonia - make sure to use flash!

And that's how the powerful but short relationship between Bella and Jamie started; a lap dance, some alcohol, the woods - did it move a little Jamie?

Sam's the meat in this filipino sandwich; yeah yeah Jo, I know you're Malaysian but if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck...

Jay showing the world he has a pierced tongue - fucking slut! And I think Jamie is trying to figure out why in fact it did move...

Bella doing her best "Canada's Next Top Model" Sisi impersonation - don't believe me?

Need I say more?

Jamie ain't the only fag that got some girl action this year; I think this is how they kiss in Goa.

Here's Bren and Jen showing us what their relationship will be like 50 years from now. Jen, the dutiful filipina wife, ignoring her white husband has he tries to shine a little bit of affection on her.

Go Tent Awesome!!!! Jamie trying to smother me in my sleep, rubbing my feet in Sam's face and Jo the innocent by-stander caught up in all that maddness! Can't wait to bunk with you guys again!!

Awwwwwwwww - you and your stupid diet; I've realized we've never gotten drunk together! Almost 20 goddamn years of friendship and we haven't drunk ourselves stupid together!

And lastly Mort - don't worry buddy, that case of psoriosis will clear up eventually and you'll make it big one day and get out of Snelgrove!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Lance Bass - You're an Asshole!

So I may be late in my blog about the "shock" that Lance Bass is a big flamin' mo; but I'm not praising this asshole, and you will all see why very shortly...
Like now...
In reading an interview online at Lance here said the following:
"The thing is, I'm not ashamed — that's the one thing I want to say...
I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life."
Excellent, good for you! It's an amazing feeling being able to be who you are and basically tell the world to fuck off if they can't handle it.
More of the interview read:
"I'm at peace with my family, my friends, myself and God, so there's nothing else that I worry about."
Growing up a staunch Roman Catholic, I can completely relate to the God reference. He's at peace, and I think that's what is important here. He's moving on, realizing him being gay isn't a tragedy and knows life is pretty darn good to him.
Further on in the interview:
"Telling his bandmates has been easy, but telling his family was another matter. His sister became pale and started crying when he told her, while his mother "broke down." "The worst part about it was my mom found out not from me," Bass said. "She found out on the Internet, and that's what just killed me. ... It destroyed her for a little bit." His father, in the meantime, was concerned about diseases, telling Lance that "It's much easier for gay people to get AIDS," and "Statistics show that these relationships don't last. You know it's not going to last." "I was like, 'Dad, wow!' "
Again, this is something I can completely relate to; having your parents not being able to accept you right away, to be seen differently by your mother and father is a very hard thing for a child.
So Lance Bass, welcome to the world of coming out, you've experienced what the majority of gay men have - a mixture of flat acceptance, people being curious and asking questions, ignorance and people looking at you differently now.
You must all be asking - "But Darek, how can you call him an asshole, after all these compliments and pearls of wisdom?"
Here's the end of his interview:
"I want people to take away from this that being gay is a norm," Bass said. "That the stereotypes are out the window ... I've met so many people like me that it's really encouraged me. I call them the SAGs — the straight-acting gays. We're just normal, typical guys. I love to watch football and drink beer."
YOU FUCKING CUNT! You stupid, ignorant, self-hating bastard. SAG? Honey, I may not have a lisp, may not shashay down the hallways at school and my wrists are not limpy spaghetti noodles - but if they were, I'd be equally proud of the faggot I am and equally ashamed of the fairy you are!
You may never read this, I hope to God it somehow reaches towards you, but you are a prick! Have you heard the story of Matthew Shepard, how he was beaten so badly his own mother couldn't at first identify him? How he was hung on a fence like a dead animal? All for what? Because maybe his flame shone a little brighter than others? Because he didn't drink beer and watch football.
Lance Bass you can go straight to hell - and baby, the only way yous gonna be straight actin' is if yous stop liking it up the ass and sugar pie, that ain't nevah, evah, gonna happen! SHIIIIIIIIIIT!