Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Dear Annoying People in the Morning Rush Hour:
Please stop being such douche bags. It's STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT, you STAND LEFT again and I will trample you down and ride your corpse up the escalator where you'll been skinned and I will wear said skin in an "Itchy & Scratchy" fashion.
Please stop bringing LUGGAGE to the office, if your backpack has wheels, you are bringing too much shit to work - learn how to economize; you don't look impressive, you look like a tool.
Please stop sighing when delays are made on the train - yes it's annoying, you sighing and saying "oh come on" every 5 minutes make everyone restless and makes you the ruler of douchedom.
Please stop talking on your phone for the entire trip to Union Station - IT CANNOT BE THAT IMPORTANT if you're going to see the caller "when I arrive" which will be momentarily.
Sincerely, Darek S.
Dear Skim Milk:
Why are you so disgusting? Why can't you be more like your delicious 2% brothers? Why do you taste and look like dishwater? Why can't you coat my throat as I slurp you down with some cookies, who still dont cover up your watery, thin and disgusting taste? I hate you.
Milk should not be thin, it should be thick and refreshing and almost filling. I should be able to have a glass of you and hold off eating for an hour to finish work - instead I find that water is more filling that you. And it tastes better. I hate you because you're low in iodine and dont aggregivate my skin as much. You're disgusting and ugly.
Sincerely, Darek S.
Dear Book That I Need To Find So I Can Read And Not Get Bored On My Daily Commute:
Where are you? I've looked afar for you. The Metro can't compare to plot and climax and character development. Alone at night, I cry, thinking I'll never find you and I'll forever think I'm smart for completing a Sudoku and knowing "Oleo" means butter substitute.
You know where I am, find me Book, FIND ME! Be flashy, have a catchy cover and kickass title - you deserve only the best!
Where are you? You're cheesecake is getting all cold and eaten...
Keep it fresh, homie
Why are you STILL so expensive? I mean, you were released in 1998 - that was 8 years ago. You aren't the shit anymore and when you were, you barely were!
Please get slightly damaged at some douchbag's apartment and get returned, repaired and then sold for 3 bucks.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
So on my recent fake-trips to church, after reading a little in the chapel, I decided to pick up some pamphlets from church and give them a skim.
So much information readily available at my finger tips!
So flipping open this one, I found lotsa information that I felt was my duty as deeply moral christian to spread the word.
One heading inside was:
"C is for commitment not Condom"
"Marriage makes sex a fulfilling, loving experience. But if you have sex outside of marriage, it's like unwrapping a present before it's Christmas. It's passing, disappointing, empty."
THAT'S the best they could do? Sex is like a Christmas present? Isn't the church always saying how Christmas isn't about the presents in the first place? But about the birth of Jesus? So are they saying that having sex in a marriage is like giving birth to Jesus? Wasn't he born in a stable with animals?
I guess that's the lesson kiddies - wait until marriage, because that way sex will feel like giving birth and afterwards you can stink like a cow! Hooooooooooray?
Another heading in this truly informative pamphlet:
"Eyes on the Prize"
"The Bible says the 'man and woman were both naked and felt no shame.' That is the beauty of sex God-style. Without marriage, sex produces lots of heartache and lots of shame. Don't settle for less."
God-style Y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine?
"Ohhh Baby, you got me so hot right now"
"Yeah, I want you to do it to me"
"Oh baby, I'll do it to you - GOD-STYLE!!!! - Yeaaaaaaaaaah, put on that bra, zip up my pants - yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
And the final heading I thought was hilarious:
"The Bottom Line"
"Love does not equal sex." God made both and He knows that they work best when they are together in marriage. He doesn't want to see you get hurt. So think about your future, start over if you need to, but love your future mate enough to wait."
Love does not equal sex. HAHA Jamie and the church agree on something! (zing! love ya jamie :)
On to the next pamphlet...
So no pictures for this one, but a quiz!
Get out your safety pencils and circle of paper everyone!
"Why did I give in to sex?"
1. Why do I have sex?
a. feels good
b. he or she expects it
c. to prove my love
d. I think I have to
Um, where's the "I like orgasming and making my partner feel just as good" option? Or better yet "I just like having a dick in every orafice possibly, no, ESPECIALLY my ears"
2. If a pregnancy or STD was discovered, would my relationship survive?
a. probably not
b. for sure no way
c. I hope so
Uhhh, where's the "yes" option. Despite a world of Jerry Springer Shows and Maury Povich "I need to test 234878764 guys to see whose my baby's daddy" - I'm gonna be optimistic and say most of the couples know what will happen if an unwanted pregnancy occurs.
3. If I stopped having sex, would my partner dump me?
a. no, but there would be pressure
b. yes, definitely
c. I would be too scared to ask
Alrite, maybe a point was actually made here. BUT that's normal. People walk into relationships knowing the boundaries that will and will not be crossed. If sex is expected, there's nothing wrong with finding it elsewhere (so long as the previous relationship is over). Wanting sex isn't a bad thing! Especially if it's GOD-STYLE ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Am I satisfied emotionally with my sexual partner?
a. our friendship isn't what it was before sex
b. friendship? it's all sex
c. I just wonder if there's more
Could you imagine being the kid that responds a simple "Yes" to this question?
Priest Flattery: "Ask yourself child, are you emotionally satisfied with your sexual partner?"
Me: "Yep. Sparks are flying, finishing sentences, thinking the same thing at the same time - cute little surprises here and there, it's all good"
Priest Flattery: "Oh...wanna touch me down there?" (ZING!)
And last but not least babies, I found one of these pamphlets in my room, during a massive cleaning and here's a beaut of a picture!
In case you can't read the script beside this strapping young stallion:
I can just imagine the next line of thought out of his head:
"Yep, don't want cock anymore. Thank you Jesus. Don't need to watch the football games on mute, fantasizing about all those tight asses and how I would love to dive into a group of them after a really sweaty game and have them do a train on me til I go numb...NOPE don't want that anymore. I have to go now...NO...I told you, I accessed those sites by mistake, I was looking for Gayle Pornue - the French Novelist. It's lunch time, time to go to the chapel and pray a decade and then off to home where i can masturbate to gay porn...I mean watch Reboot. Don't judge me!"
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
…why I want to watch X-Men 3 with you, just so I can see you get all worked about it
…when you said you’d protect me from the scary things in the dark
…Toronto, set ablaze by the sun
…how you make me laugh, even though your jokes are so corny
…how ‘Into Your Hideout’ will mean something completely different to me now
…the Long Kiss Goodnight and how he TOOK LESSONS!
…changing your msn to ‘our’ inside joke
…how I smell like cigarette smoke afterwards and don’t care
…how you make tea just right
…how I ate more pizza than I should’ve, just to impress you
…you telling me you were impressed
…you texting me when I was sitting right beside you
…that smirk you have on your face when you think you’ve said something clever
…visiting downtown Oakville, TO, and Burlington
…why I’m so ahead in my work, so I can spend more time with you
…the butterflies I feel before I meet you
…the knots in my stomach at our hug goodnight
…how my texting abilities are better than yours
…how I know you’re slightly offended by that last one
…how you can be on my mind all weekend and I’m getting some of the best sleep ever
…how Mondays can’t come soon enough
…all about the apple cider
…why Dingle Park is the best park in the world
…how you remembered Johnny Cash
…the reason I’m remembering everything too, I don’t want to forget a single detail
…how I am unfolding
…why that’s because of you
…how you want to use me for my body and that’s perfectly fine
…jumping higher than you on the swings
…not admitting how scared I got being so high up in the air
…why I gush about you to all my friends
…how I figured out that Wilson went to school with you
…you sleeping on the floor beside, making sure I was ok, when I got “sick”
...how your timing sucks
...how glad I am your timing sucks
...why I stopped myself short in the car, while you bought your scarf (surprise!)
...how you said it's hard to surprise you
...how I can surprise you
...how you wanted this little post so bad
...the random act you did that finally made me put this together
...how I hoped I surprised you again...