Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Letters From Darek, To ???

This is what happens when you're alone for a week with no one to really talk to, your boyfriend off shucking corn god knows where and loser friends that don't want to come over for some scrabble fun...
Dear Annoying People in the Morning Rush Hour:
Please stop being such douche bags. It's STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT, you STAND LEFT again and I will trample you down and ride your corpse up the escalator where you'll been skinned and I will wear said skin in an "Itchy & Scratchy" fashion.
Please stop bringing LUGGAGE to the office, if your backpack has wheels, you are bringing too much shit to work - learn how to economize; you don't look impressive, you look like a tool.
Please stop sighing when delays are made on the train - yes it's annoying, you sighing and saying "oh come on" every 5 minutes make everyone restless and makes you the ruler of douchedom.
Please stop talking on your phone for the entire trip to Union Station - IT CANNOT BE THAT IMPORTANT if you're going to see the caller "when I arrive" which will be momentarily.
Sincerely, Darek S.

Dear Skim Milk:

Why are you so disgusting? Why can't you be more like your delicious 2% brothers? Why do you taste and look like dishwater? Why can't you coat my throat as I slurp you down with some cookies, who still dont cover up your watery, thin and disgusting taste? I hate you.
Milk should not be thin, it should be thick and refreshing and almost filling. I should be able to have a glass of you and hold off eating for an hour to finish work - instead I find that water is more filling that you. And it tastes better. I hate you because you're low in iodine and dont aggregivate my skin as much. You're disgusting and ugly.
Sincerely, Darek S.


Dear Book That I Need To Find So I Can Read And Not Get Bored On My Daily Commute:

Where are you? I've looked afar for you. The Metro can't compare to plot and climax and character development. Alone at night, I cry, thinking I'll never find you and I'll forever think I'm smart for completing a Sudoku and knowing "Oleo" means butter substitute.
You know where I am, find me Book, FIND ME! Be flashy, have a catchy cover and kickass title - you deserve only the best!
Missing You,

Darek S.

Dear Travis:

Where are you? You're cheesecake is getting all cold and eaten...

Sincerely,

Darek S.




Dear B-man:

Youuuuuuuuu're alllllllllllright

Keep it fresh, homie

Sincerely,

Darek S.


Dear Pleasantville:

Why are you STILL so expensive? I mean, you were released in 1998 - that was 8 years ago. You aren't the shit anymore and when you were, you barely were!
Please get slightly damaged at some douchbag's apartment and get returned, repaired and then sold for 3 bucks.

Sincerely,

Darek S.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Darek

I am not thick because I choose to be refreshing instead. I am higher in Calcium and much lower in fat. There's room for all of us. Some...such as you, can choose their dense, curds-left-in-the-sun taste of 2% and others such as your dashing friend Jamie know a good thing when the see it.

All the best,
Skim Milk

Cheesecake said...

Dear Darek

Travis would have liked to eat more of me, instead you whored me out to all your friends. Then like the wrapping from a gift, you threw me out because you would have nothing more to do with me. You say I was a little off, but I tell you, in my prime I was delicious. I wish Travis and I could have spent more creamy dreamy time together.

Sullen and Down Trodden
Cheesecake

jen said...

yay for darek's cheesecake!