Sunday, November 12, 2006

The Bare Facts Y'all!

So on my recent fake-trips to church, after reading a little in the chapel, I decided to pick up some pamphlets from church and give them a skim.

So much information readily available at my finger tips!

So flipping open this one, I found lotsa information that I felt was my duty as deeply moral christian to spread the word.

One heading inside was:

"C is for commitment not Condom"
"Marriage makes sex a fulfilling, loving experience. But if you have sex outside of marriage, it's like unwrapping a present before it's Christmas. It's passing, disappointing, empty."
THAT'S the best they could do? Sex is like a Christmas present? Isn't the church always saying how Christmas isn't about the presents in the first place? But about the birth of Jesus? So are they saying that having sex in a marriage is like giving birth to Jesus? Wasn't he born in a stable with animals?

I guess that's the lesson kiddies - wait until marriage, because that way sex will feel like giving birth and afterwards you can stink like a cow! Hooooooooooray?

Another heading in this truly informative pamphlet:

"Eyes on the Prize"
"The Bible says the 'man and woman were both naked and felt no shame.' That is the beauty of sex God-style. Without marriage, sex produces lots of heartache and lots of shame. Don't settle for less."

God-style Y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine?
"Ohhh Baby, you got me so hot right now"
"Yeah, I want you to do it to me"
"Oh baby, I'll do it to you - GOD-STYLE!!!! - Yeaaaaaaaaaah, put on that bra, zip up my pants - yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

And the final heading I thought was hilarious:

"The Bottom Line"
"Love does not equal sex." God made both and He knows that they work best when they are together in marriage. He doesn't want to see you get hurt. So think about your future, start over if you need to, but love your future mate enough to wait."

Love does not equal sex. HAHA Jamie and the church agree on something! (zing! love ya jamie :)
On to the next pamphlet...

So no pictures for this one, but a quiz!
Get out your safety pencils and circle of paper everyone!

"Why did I give in to sex?"

1. Why do I have sex?
a. feels good
b. he or she expects it
c. to prove my love
d. I think I have to

Um, where's the "I like orgasming and making my partner feel just as good" option? Or better yet "I just like having a dick in every orafice possibly, no, ESPECIALLY my ears"

2. If a pregnancy or STD was discovered, would my relationship survive?
a. probably not
b. for sure no way
c. I hope so

Uhhh, where's the "yes" option. Despite a world of Jerry Springer Shows and Maury Povich "I need to test 234878764 guys to see whose my baby's daddy" - I'm gonna be optimistic and say most of the couples know what will happen if an unwanted pregnancy occurs.

3. If I stopped having sex, would my partner dump me?
a. no, but there would be pressure
b. yes, definitely
c. I would be too scared to ask

Alrite, maybe a point was actually made here. BUT that's normal. People walk into relationships knowing the boundaries that will and will not be crossed. If sex is expected, there's nothing wrong with finding it elsewhere (so long as the previous relationship is over). Wanting sex isn't a bad thing! Especially if it's GOD-STYLE ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Am I satisfied emotionally with my sexual partner?
a. our friendship isn't what it was before sex
b. friendship? it's all sex
c. I just wonder if there's more

Could you imagine being the kid that responds a simple "Yes" to this question?
Priest Flattery: "Ask yourself child, are you emotionally satisfied with your sexual partner?"
Me: "Yep. Sparks are flying, finishing sentences, thinking the same thing at the same time - cute little surprises here and there, it's all good"
Priest Flattery: "Oh...wanna touch me down there?" (ZING!)

And last but not least babies, I found one of these pamphlets in my room, during a massive cleaning and here's a beaut of a picture!

In case you can't read the script beside this strapping young stallion:
"I thought I could never be forgiven for the terrible things I've done. But when I turned to Jesus I found that he wants to forgive me."

I can just imagine the next line of thought out of his head:

"Yep, don't want cock anymore. Thank you Jesus. Don't need to watch the football games on mute, fantasizing about all those tight asses and how I would love to dive into a group of them after a really sweaty game and have them do a train on me til I go numb...NOPE don't want that anymore. I have to go now...NO...I told you, I accessed those sites by mistake, I was looking for Gayle Pornue - the French Novelist. It's lunch time, time to go to the chapel and pray a decade and then off to home where i can masturbate to gay porn...I mean watch Reboot. Don't judge me!"


Travis said...

I just want to know where I can get that guys shirt. I mean, I would be beating people off with a stick if I had that shirt.

Bren said...

You'll have to fight AC Slater for that baby Travis!

Travis said...

and AC is gonna be all high and mighty if he wins Dancing with the Stars. What ever happend to Jessie Spano, I mean after showgirls, the chick could dance!

Natasha said...

hey darek, its tasha.
remember me!? i miss you!

i came across this link and thought you would find it interesting...

im gonna go to church now. :)

hope you're doing well,

ps. those guys in the pamphlet are hawt! if the priests don't "turn" lil boys gay, they sure will. mmmmmm.... haha

Natasha said...


you should email me some time