Jesus vs. Satan

So after watching Tribute by Tenacious D on Video on Trial on Much just now, an EXCELLENT comment was made by this hilarious new juror.

If you are not familiar with the video, it has Tenacious D (Jack Black and Kyle Glass) remember the time they fought off the devil by playing the best song in the world. Half way through the video, the Devil makes a guitar come forth and tries to rock away the awesome rock-ness of the greatest song in the world, but alas, fails and perishes.

So here is what the hilarious new juror said:

"If Satan plays a guitar, what do you think Jesus would play? Probably something like a...flute"

I nearly shat myself. So I'm gonna do a bunch of comparisons of everyday objects/sayings/actors/actresses/etc to Jesus and Satan.

Actors/Actresses

Satan: Angelina Jolie - Bitch doesn't give too shits she broke up a marriage, she gets to pork B-Pitt and have their beautiful children from now until eternity.

Jesus: Tobey McGuire - He doesn't eat meat, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and drives a hybrid car. It's not that you hate Toby, you'd just rather have cooler friends to hang out with.

Heroes

Satan: Magneto - I consider Magneto a hero, number one fighter for mutant rights. But Magneto does whatever in the hell he wants and doesn't care whom he hurts in the process; from X3 "I'm sorry my dear, you're no longer one of us" - FUCKING EH!

Jesus: Cyclops - Again, you can't really hate the guy. He does save people, he wants peace between humans and mutants, but really, does anyone out there consider Cyclops one of their favourites? If he didn't have mutant powers and that kick ass body, you know he'd be an accountant and married to a 300 pound woman named "Gerdy".

Villians

Satan: Mystique - Now here's someone that does whatever she wants to get whatever she desires. Turn on fellow mutants to help Apocalypse? Sure thang. Brainwash Rogue because of her wicked power and the power it could give me? Yeeeeeeep. Turn on Magneto in order to just be a vengeful cunt. Abso-fucking-lutely!

Jesus: Rhino-Dude - Okay, so I forgot his name. But he's the dude that dressed up like a Rhino and was an enemy of Spiderman. A. Rhino. Yeah, ok, you're crazy-strong, but after that....you're a rhino.

First Aid Products

Satan: Iodine - Fucking hurts like hell but in the end it's doing what's best for you and your situation.

Jesus: Polysporin - You rub it on and it nevers goes away. Ever. You gotta rub it off when you want to go to bed and when you do, you just end up causing yourself pain in doing so. That's Jesus for you, around all the time, but when you wanna get rid of him, you get all guilty for trying and in the end just end up with oily feet. (Who can tell I'm running out of ideas AND putting Polysporin on the cuts on my feet?)

Politicians

Satan: Kim Jong-Il - This fucker does whatever the hell he wants. America says DON'T build missles, bitch goes and builds missles. America says DON'T build more missles than what you have and we're cool - fucker goes and builds MORE missles. America says fine fine, you've built your missles just DON'T test them out - sonofabitch tests them out. He just doesn't give up!

Jesus: President of Finland - Does anyone know who the President of Finland is? Did anyone know that Finland has a President? I'm sure the person is a great person, you never hear Finland doing anything bad, the newspapers aren't filled with headlines about the torment and toil going on up there, so I'm sure everything is fine. But just like everything else, it's...Finland.

In other words, Jesus is like our Screech. When you're young, you can't hate the guy, and you find him a little funny. When you're a teen, you feel guilty about bad talking him 'cause of all the great memories of your youth. When you're an adult, you just kinda feel sorry for the guy due to where he ended up; chillin in Heaven, forever, with his perfect father, his virgin mother and a bird.

Friendy's - THE B-MAN WAY

I don't know why this one took so long to come to mind but then Bren was gone for a week - and I was at a loss. Hanging out with Jen was fun...but something was missing, there was no sass mouth, no shaking of the head at my terrible jokes - there just wasn't any sunshine.

But then Bren came back and called ME! ME! What was I doing he asked, well I'm going to see Nacho Libre and so are you and I'm buying you and Jen's tickets just to make sure you guys can get there and into the theatre.

So, here you go Big Guy, heart heart heart and BFFF, the top 5 reasons Brendan is not only the man, but the B-MAN!

5. He makes comics about me:

I may have asked for it but he delivered! View full to read it and laugh your ass off. DINGER!!! Marvelous!

I was feeling all blue after learning I had to get my kidney removed and look what this big lug of a guy does, well shucks! Does it matter that I asked for it? NOPE - Anything that feeds Darek's ego is a good thing. And Brendan knows this.


4. He lives close by. Like 5 minutes away. And I don't mean 5 minutes in Central Asian Time which means a half hour; down the road and make a right! So many friendships are destroyed because of distance so the opposite must be that so little friendships are NOT destroyed because of distance; this rings true for Bren and I. You need a ride buddy? NO PROBLEMO KIMO SABE!

3. Rexie. Brendan has the coolest.dog.ever.

And side note to everyone reading. Look at Rexie here and now scroll up to the first picture of Bren - now scroll back down and once more back to Bren.

Resemblence? Maybe they are one in the same : Which only makes sense, Bren cannot be cooler than Rexie and at the same time Rexie cannot be cooler than Bren. *Whispers Alleulia*

2. He knew the only reason I liked FeFe Dobson was because she was black. The conversation was like this:

Me: "Oh, I'm starting to like her" *Bye Bye Boyfriend playing in the car*

Bren: "She's just pop with a electric guitar rep (or rev or rip I don't know guitar lingo) playing in the background"

Me: "Still, I can dance to her and she writes her own lyrics"

*Split second of awkward silence*

Me: "PLUS she's black and sings rock"

Bren: "I KNEW IT! OH GOD, I WAS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY THAT, I KNEW THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU LIKE HER!"

Me: "You satisfied?"

Bren: "Yes"

1. Who else would use their sense of smell, for 20 minutes, under a christmas tree, along with Yungsiow and I, to locate the mysterious "pot" smell and then...fart.

For all these reasons and many more, Brendan is this week's winner of the Friendy's!

Heart heart heart and BFFF big guy

The Worst of Me

So I haven't had a post about my favourite topic in a while, that topic being me.

And instead of talking about the greatness that is my wonderful exsistence - I shall talk about the five little ticks and habits that are not my best. Enjoy!

5. Biting Nails

I slobber over my nails while I'm nervous, bored, excited, drunk, reading, you name it! I can't help it, I've been doing it since I could chew. Yes yes, I know, the germs, the vile vile germs on my hands but, and here's where my twisted sense of logic (that Ana loves and hates secretly) comes in handy, if I've been doing this since I was a babe and haven't gotten violently ill from it, it can't be that bad, no?

4. Eating Fruit

I just can't do it gracefully!! Oranges. Are. The. Devil. First they're encased in an inpenterable case of death that squirts a sweet smelling juice on you if you penetrate it, but don't be fooled! Get that juice in your eyes - and it's all over folks! And God forbid the orange has seeds! Having to eat and spit out the seeds, it can never been done nicely. I always look like like I'm trying cunninglingus on each slice only realizing I can't and give up.

3. First Impressions

Another thing I completely BLOW at. With the exception of a few (Jen C and Ana) I always seem like I have a terrible disposition when meeting people for the first time. Even if it's something like a greeter at Wal-Mart. They're all cherry and smiley, say hello to me and I rush by as if they're lepers, mutter a "Hi" and continue shopping. Or I do that embarassing:

"Hi Welcome to 'Insert store name'"

"Not bad, thanks, and you?"

"Oh I was just saying 'Hello'"

"Oh...Hi"

GRRRRRRRR I just hate mindless, idle chatter.

2. Vocabulary

I'm realizing more and more that my vocabulary is AWFUL. And I don't understand why?! Too much MSN? Too much time making up words/sayings like "Hilariousity" and "Computration Device". I'm always stumbling over my words, stuttering them, or hoping that the last thing I said wasn't heard for fear of ridicule. I think I just wanna be heard and try too hard to get every point I want to make in a conversation out that I don't think before I speak. That or MSN.

1. Can't Whisper for the LIFE OF ME!

No matter how many times I try to whisper, or talk without moving my lips I always end up talking at a regular voice that the person I'm probably talking about can hear me at or LOUDER than I originally would. And God help you if you're wearing an ugly outfit and at the same party I'm attending and I'm drunk and right beside me, cuz the next words outta my mouth are going to be "Hey Jamie - Look at Ugmolina over here, bitch things she has style - tranny hookers wouldn't even wear that shit" yelling as if I were across the room, when he'd be right beside me.

Aging: The Unstoppable Killer

So it's official, I'm getting old. I went to play tennis this weekend with my friend's Brennifer. Afterwards, we watched our friends play two games of baseball (they call themselves the SUPERFRIENDS) and to kill some time, me and Jen, and along with Bren began doing some long jumping.

I went home, feeling fine, not a care in the world, thinking "This is going to be the summer of fitness, of creating and keeping a healthy lifestyle - 'I'm gonna take up running' I exclaimed to my mother still high on Adrenaline.

Then the morning of Monday came...

I. couldn't. move.

But being the son of Polish immigrants, I could not deny my heritage and forced myself up and got to work. Bending, which is a MUST in the profession of box cutting/lifting, was not happening. Walking was a nightmare.

I had to give up. I clocked out at 10:35am, swallowing my pride and went to the doctors. Learned I had a tilted disc in my spine! WHAT IN HOLY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

First kidney problems, and now this?! Next I'll have to start wearing adult diapers and talking about yesteryear while smoking a pipe and sitting on my porch, leaning on my cane.

Luckily I got to skip two days of work (been working there a month and have YET to do a full week's work!) where I just took the happy drugs my doctor prescribed - Tylenol 3 and APO CYCLOBENZAPRINE. Taken alone, these little pills do nothing to me, but together their drug forces unite putting me in a mini-coma for hours on end. I'm currently fighting off the urge to sleep to write this up, so I better be making you bitches laugh...

Luckily, the tilted disc is nothing serious and should untilt itself soon. But yes, must start running, or power walking or SOMETHING to keep me active and preventing this "Aging" thing from taking place.

I need someone to push me to be active, call me up and ask if I would like to go for a run, or a swift power-walk or hell, just keep me from writing this blog...

Oh man, Gnarls Barkley when you're legally high, is kick ass!

Time for the Friendy's Again!

This Friendy is dedicated to Earl John Falco - and I know what most of you are thinking "WHAAAAAAAAAT?" 'cause Earl and I are friends, but not the bestest and greatest on the planet. No one thinks of Earl and knows (unknowingly) of our friendship or vice versa, but today I sensed he was a little blue so I hope this cheers him up.

So let's see, great and wonderful memories of Earl John Falco.

Hmmm, I don't have elaborate stories about our friendships, but more snip-its that are just hilarious.

1. I completely invited myself to a movie he was seeing with Shaun, Jamie, and Mel once and they missed my house, like by two houses. They called and said they were outside, I go outside and they're waiting down the street...

Now this might not be so funny to the everyday reader of my wonderful blog, but it's pretty awkward not knowing what Earl's car is and then having to walk down, on the road, and sorta make eye contact with anyone in the car (which is hard since the windows are tinted) and then not turn beet red when everyone in the car knows exactly what you're thinking.

2. He never laughs at the jokes I say that I think are hilarious. Which would make one think I should think that maybe I'm not as funny as I think - but that's not a possibility. I could be belting the most funniest shit Ive thought of and at most he'll give me a pity smile. Then I'll say something that isnt that funny or just a genuine question and he'll just laugh out loud (LOL'ing bitches!).

"Did you eat all of it (it being the remains of the disgusting funnel cake at Eastside Mario)?"

"Yeah. Yeah I did. Don't judge me! *laughter*"

OH EARL - YOU ENIGMA!

3. He'll talk to me randomly, on MSN, in person, wherever. And usually the MSN convo's start on a name I've written that I dont think is that funny, BUT HE DOES!

And that's what's great aboot him! He thinks differently, our senses of humor are completely different - but he's one of the funniest guys I know. So Earl, I hope this trip down memory lane made you smile a little and helped you get outta the funk!

ANTM MEGA BLOG - echo - BLOG Blog blog....

Alritey - I just wanna waste about 2 hours and that's how long this post is going to take me, so be prepared all, there are going to be a butt load of pictures on here, so let them all load.
So, ever since Cycle 4 of America's Next Top Model, I've fallen in love with modelling, I'm looking closely at people's attire and critiquing it in my head (like the goth chick that was checking me out/casting a spell on me on the subway recently - "Sweety, if you just put some relaxer in your hair, dye it a funky blue-black, wear jeans that don't look like you robbed a homeless person and get rid of that lip piercing, you'd be fierce!") and I'm paying more and more attention to the judges and their bullshit reasoning for getting mad at and kicking out models.

But Cycle 6 has, surprisingly, had some REALLY good photo shoots and even more surprisingly singled out two models as spectacular: Danielle and Joanie.

So below, you're gonna find every photoshoot picture and my critique of each. Enjoy!




















In my opinion both equally astonishing! Danielle (the one on top looks like a queen. Her features really stand out, but they aren't all up in yo' face (went ghetto in honour of her). She looks very soft and yet, almost deadly, like if you fuck with her, she's gonna getcha!
Joanie (the one on the bottom) on the other hand looks more like an alien but one you'd like to have sex with! More like a princess of an empire, she doesn't look powerful or cunning, but more curious and stern. Still a terrific photo!



















Next, the magazine cover shoot photo. The purpose of this photo shoot was to grab a passer-by's attention, make a potential customer an actual customer. And sorry Danielle, I think Joanie got you beat in this one. Joanie's takes the entire cover, the look on her face is very striking, if I were walking by, that stance would make me stop. Whereas Danielle's, the only reason I'd stop is because if you look quickly enough at that cover, it looks like she's not wearing any underwear...a big ole vagina is something that would make me run for the hills.




















And now it's time to not like Joanie so much...
This photo is not her best, I hate to say this, but I agree with what the judges said about her in this photo and that is she doesn't look good with her hair up, which not good for a model - they have to be very versatile. Joanie looks more like one of the stepsisters (she's protraying Cinderella) - you just don't love her as much when you look at this photo. Danielle on the other hand - my god! That eyebrow raised just a little, the way the eyelashes curve up just a little and the fact that even though she's protraying Snow White, you know she's not gonna eat no fucking apple from some hag!




















Here the lovely ladies are protraying their future/childhood goals: Danielle a Singer and Joanie a Housewife and Mother. Again, I think both have done an equally superb job! Danielle, cannot carry a tune, but damnit you look at that picture and can't help but think about Diana Ross - she's a fucking Diva! And Joanie, with that index finger up, her man (which you can't see) holding a vaccuum and that raised eyebrow - she is that dutiful wife and mother that has dinner on the table ready for her husband when he comes home from work - but I look at this picture and can't help but think she's that dutiful wife and mother that's also just got home from her weekly banging by the postman/sheriff/poolboy/etc...and her husband is none the wiser.




















So first the close ups: Does it really matter that what they're trying to sell here are shoes? Nope! First, the lovely Danielle, everyone scroll up to the bald picture and tell me if that African Queen looks anything like this Ghetto Fabulous Princess? Again, that fucking raised eyebrow, lowers my goddamn kinsey number! The arms raised above her head, the hooped earrings, the tight clothing - she looks FLAWLESS. The judges are saying the gap in her teeth needs to be closed, but um, they're fucking idiots - I think it only adds to her amazingness-ness!
And my sweet, wonderful Joanie, you can't help but smile and remember you're best time at a dance/club (mine? the second time I ever went to Buddies, just had a ball!). She just brings so much goddamn warmth in this picture, you don't even notice the hand on her boob...

Now for the far-aways of the same pictures...




















Danielle - I don't even notice the clown. She looks like the sassiest bitch on the block and you know when she came to this roof party - she was the most popular guest of all. PERIOD!
Joanie - Everyone scroll up to the Housewife pic and tell me if you can see the same model - cuz I cannot! It's a perfect advertisement - it's fresh, funky and fun, you don't know she's advertising the shoes and it really doesn't matter, cuz she could be advertising braces in this picture - you'd still look at it and smile.




















Ahhh, the black and white photo - the one that's suppose to show "real" emotion. Both to me look like Calvin Klien ads but I think Joanie has won this round, slightly. Danielle's looks more like a CD cover - a beautiful CD cover, that gap in her teeth, just makes it look that less cheesy and more real, but still, you can tell she's not really crying and the emotion she's conveying is about as real as the paper flower in her hair.
Joanie, still looking fake-ish, is the least fake out of the two. I look at this picture, then remember her housewife photo and I can't help but think it's the housewife that's crying in this photo - maybe her husband found out about the affair - irregardless, I like how the feeling in this photo isn't so much sadness but more desperation; she just finished bawling her eyes out and now has no idea what to do.




















Here the lovely ladies are being protrayed as various types of dolls: Danielle a marionette and Joanie a ventriliquist's wooden puppet. And again, the body language here wins it entirely. Danielle looks lifeless - and that's exactly the point, she won't come to life until someone pulls on those strings in just the right way. The way her legs curve inwards and her hands are just resting in space, she's conveying the marionette flawlessly.
Joanie, again, has stolen the spotlight, I barely notice the goregous male model, her legs and arms look wooden and lifeless - but still goregous. Something about the way her right leg just curves towards the audience, she looks outstanding!

And now the close ups...

Wow. Danielle and her fucking eyebrow! My kinsey number is now officially 5.8 - I'm just amazed that she's able to be so striking and yet calming at the same time. Her features are rather big, big lips, wide nose and the gap in her teeth and yet she isn't out there, it's a pleasure to look at her and you know she's gonna sell whatever you want sold, because people will want to look at her! I know I do!

Ahhhh Joanie, at first you might think she looks a little goofy in this picture, so wide-eyed and surprised, but that's the whole point. She's suppose to be a immitation of a human being and she works it so wonderfully. The long wavy blond hair, the goregous blue eyes and corners of her mouth just stand out and draw you into the photograph. Brava Bellisima!

I really can't decide which woman I want to win - they're both beautiful and versatile and amazing and HILARIOUS! Joanie saying that Jade looks like an 85 year old woman and Danielle saying she'd rather homeschool her children rather than let Jade teach them - I was DYING - they're hilarious! And seem real (enough) - I actually want it to be a tie, I just can't decide whom I love more!

P.S. Can you tell I don't wanna study and that I take this show a little too seriously?

Kids Just Say NO to Jesus!

So Easter is upon us! Halleujah! I want to recap the backward logic I learned on Good Friday mass (I go to make my mother happy - no need being called a "Jew" by my father all weekend, especially since I have exams)

So backward lesson in logic number 1:
The priest was telling us about how the DaVinci Code takes facts and twists and turns them into a version of truth. Uhhh, what? Isn't that was church leaders in 300 AD did when the voted to consider the Trinity ONE being and not THREE making Christianity monotheistic? Or choosing to follow only 4 gospels out of the dozenS (plural) that were written?

Backward lesson in logic number 2:
The priest then went on to talk about the new discovery of the Gospel of Judas and again claimed that those who believe and "authenicated" that it's real are only doing so to harm the church. His reasoning why it's not real - because church leaders have already claimed it doesnt have the "ring of truth" as the other gospels, hundreds of years ago. He then went on to quote one of the Beatitudes:

"Blessed are those who are presecuted against righteousness for theirs is the Kingdom of God"

Here is a paraphrased quote by Priest Crazy:

"So you see, because the Church is being persecuted left, right and center - we must be doing something right!"

Backward lesson in logic number 3:
During the singing of the intentions (ie let is pray for those that have no found God, that they find him) here is one of the intentions the entire church was asked to pray for:

"Let us pray for politicians that they may lead men onto the paths of truth and freedom"

I think they forgot a part - "except for those silly faggots and dykes, cuz let's face it, they're going to hell anyways - Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner!"

I don't care that they're praying that same-sex marriage is reversed - everyone has a right to think incorrectly - it's that theyhad the audacity to use the word freedom in that intention. It's so contradictory and just WRONG and yet people couldn't see that, because everyone said "Amen" afterwards.

Now here is just a strange and disturbing realization I had during church, during the passion reading, where they read how Jesus was arrested, convicted and dies, they asked the whole congregation to be a part of it and to read along in the Missal, wherever it was marked "S"

EVERY line marked S is that of the sinners, the Jews that demanded Jesus die, Barrabas, Pilate, Judas, Peter Denying Christ, etc.

Do people have any self-respect these days? Yeah, I'm not perfect but to compare me and hard working, church-going folk with people demanding bloodshed and death - fuck, we're NOT THAT BAD!

Awwwwwww

So this blog is all about cute things or more specifically, things I find so adorable that if you don't, I recommend you seek a mental help professionial.

First up on the list, Ms. Piggy! My joy aka my hamster. She's so cute! And no, the way I'm holding her has nothing to do with how fat her cheeks look, they really were that big when I took this picture; so big in fact, that the cheek on the right expanded to just behind her adorable little head. But her cuteness also lies in the sounds she makes, she squeaks and nibbles on everything, think of an old lady secretary, wearing little glasses resting on her nose, wearing a shawl that's connected by a metal chain, typing away on a typewriter - that's how my hamster sounds when she eats. Thank you Jamie for that analogy.


Second on the list - Chinchillas aka the pet I plan on getting when I move out on my own and hopefully find my calling in the world. Also, I want one so I can name it Chinny Or Chilly. Or Chilly-Chin (just thought of that one!)
But yes, not only are these adorable creatures a mixture of guinea pig and rabbit and hamster, they bathe in dust! DUST!
And that fat adorable body! Awwww, I want 12 already!




Like honestly. This isn't funny anymore. I mean the macho-est guy on the planet could not have stopped himself from just saying a little "Aw". I think what makes this one picture so damn cute is that you can't see the kitten's paws or legs for that matter. It just looks like a soft cuddly log of kitten. Like when it wakes up, it's gonna inch it's way to you like an earthworm. Don't you just wanna sleep on this?!

And last but not least, ME! Now some of you might be absolutely stunned by how enormous my ego is with me having a blog about how adorable I think I am. But damn it, we need more positive reaffirmation about OURSELVES in this world. Too much crap about how too fat we are, or too skinny or too hairy or too whatever. I have a positive outlook about my apperance and my personality; and try hard not to believe that someone is too good for me or outta my league. I'm adorable and know it honey!

Ok maybe that kitten is cuter than I...

The Friendy's

So the winner of this week's 'Friendy's' is Mima! Or as her name is pronounced on her voicemail: "MIIIIIIIMMMMMMMAAAAAAA"

And well deserved! So why has Mima won this round? Let's go through the many many reasons why Mima is my friend and why I like her.

1. She lowers my Kinsey number; ok, she lowers it by decimal points, but she still lowers it. I'm a 6.0, but when I'm around Mima I'm a 5.99995 or there abouts. The girl ALWAYS looks flawless - like no matter where we go. Montana's? Backyard BBQ? the corner of uggy and stank? FLAWLESS.

2. It could be months in between visits with this girl and I will never get the "hey, how's it goin?" *looks away because she really doesn't care* look. She makes direct eye contact, hugs for dear life (and not that "butt sticking out" hug either) stops blinking when she asks how I've been, and will smile and wait for my response. I can't simply tell her "nuttin' much, you?" I have to make anything I've done recently seem so elaborate, because SHE puts in the effort in asking, I gotta put in the effort for telling.

3. The girl is STACKED! :

Like Christ Almighty. Even I can't help but stare and I just hope she doesn't notice. They alone drop my kinsey number to 5.9

We call this girl Blessed, y'all.

4. I can talk to her about any topic, no matter the setting. With Bren and Jen, certain topics, must be discussed within the confines of a house setting, or relatively empty bar (or 'bah'). With Mima, while eating delicious Peach Cobbler at Montana's we talked about, IN order: Goregous men, good sex, penis size, how men suck, penis size, kinky shit we've done with guys, again how men suck and then stressing that size doesn't matter, but extra anything is always a nice bonus. This delicious meal was then taken to Chapters where we looked up sex books and giggled away at the photos. Oh and laughed at the middle aged Indian man looking in the erotica section.

5. We both like Dead Like Me.

And for all these reasons and many more than I can't quite recall - Mima is the second winner of the sorta weekly Friendy's!

Cooking with Darek

So this reading week has been alright, hung out with some friends, met some new people and finally started something I wanted to do for a really really long time - cook!

Now, unfortunately, I was not able to cook a new dish everyday, but I did manage two delicious recipes.

First, have you ever been to red lobster and they bring out those mouth watering cheese biscuits with garlic butter? You eat so much, that you can't finish your damn expensive meal of shrimp, lobster tail, snow crab and scallops? Well I was able to replicate the recipe:

And here is the end result. Pretty damn simple really, and they were actually REALLY good!


Next, I actually woke up hungry this morning and decided I needed to make me some breakfest and what did I choose to make? Pancakes, but not ordinary pancakes, strawberry and vanilla pancakes:

Now next time I need to put in a little more vanilla extract, a teaspoon just doesnt do it, but I think they look pretty damn good. *Does Martha Stewart fake smile* Strawberry-Vanilla Pancakes, it's a good thing!


Now a special thanks needs to be given here to someone who made all this possible:

Thank you Bisquick all purpose blend! Without you, these creations could never be made.

Betty Crocker, you're a filthy whore.

Back to Randomness...

So my posts have been a little sappy lately, got some good advice from my buddy mista b and tons and tons (ok, maybe bits and bits) of "awww, I just read your post - it's touching" and what not; and I'm thankful don't get me wrong - but it's time for the wonderfully random and kooky Darek to return...

So I'm introducing the first-ever, hopefully weekly post of "MY FRIEND: WHY I LIKE YOU!" *queue jazz hands and glittery dancers*

So let's see which friend I'll be boasting about as to why I like him/her and am blessed they are my friend....

*Takes out wheel with all of Darek's friends names on it and gives it a spin*

and the winner is....

JAMIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now just look at that face - you can't help but laugh when you see it and it's not that mocking laugh. You're laughing because if you're blessed to know Jamie here, you know that this picture of him describes the wonderful personality that is he.

You can't help but think warm fuzzy thoughts about Jamie and all the laughs he's brought to your otherwise mundane and mostly straight lives.

He can make you laugh with his vast vast vast knowledge of movies and tv shows. His stories about the terrible and soulless people he meets at work will bring even HITLER to tears in laughter gasping for air.

Now for me personally Jamie makes me feel most comfortable out of all of my friends. I can say the most sexual/nasty/derogatory thing in the world or just whatever I'm thinking on the spot and he'll either laugh if he thinks it's funny, or smile and then think of something funnier and make everyone else laugh OR make fun of me because I've already said that before...

My example of this is one time at pride last year, I spilled some orange crush on my tee-shirt and the first thing outta my mouth was "OH NO! I'm white trash now!" and Jamie laughed like a mad man! I didn't find it that funny, but he knew exactly what I was thinking - therefore making it easier for me to say it. Oh Jamie, you so crazy!

And that's just it, Jamie's best quality is that he makes people feel as they want; he brings out the naturality (if that's not a word, TOUGH SHIT HIPPY!) out of you. I can always see most people act differently around him and by that, I mean, they're more open. Bren and Jen C always talk about sex when he's in the room; Earl laughs more; so does Jay; I get more and more vulgar, just because I know at the very least Jamie will laugh at whatever stupidness I'm saying.

He also understands why not all of his friends are welcome at home. It's not that his parents don't like it, it's not that they're going to throw feces on you, but his parents, like mine, just don't want other kids in their house. It's simply not done. I think this is another reason why we click as bestest of buddies - we both have anal retentive parents that no one can really compare too.

So to you Jamie, congratulations on the first ever, hopefully weekly post of "MY FRIEND: WHY I LIKE YOU!" - does this mean you get something from ole Darek "Cheapy" Sobik - nope. Just know you make the world a better place in your own quirky way :)

God fucks up sometimes...

So I just now finished watching my favourite show on the planet, 'Dead Like Me', and I just saw my favourite episode. It involves the death of a transexual man, who dies tragically in his plastic surgeon's office, awaiting his first consultation on the procedure to become a woman.

The main point of the story line is that after he's dead, Daisy, his grim reaper comes and takes him for a little stroll until he is ready to "move on". They go to church, so that the man can talk to God and the final scene was just so breathtaking and blasphemous.

The transsexual condemns God for making his life a living hell, "blessing" him with life, but cursing him with the wrong gender. At one point in his rant to God, he shouts:

"It's not fair!"

"The way you died?" (Daisy, the grim reaper asks)

"No... for the way I lived"

I was just taken aback by how true that statement is and how often I've felt it in my life. Daisy does the very catholic thing and tells him to pray and get ready to be forgiven, when the transsexual says "I'll be ready to be forgiven, when He says sorry to me"

At that point a rock is hurled through the stained glass window (by some punk kids) and the transsexual takes this as an apology from God and "moves on".

The whole point? I'm really getting tired of being told how to live. Not saying I'm a transsexual and this is my big coming out post to everyone; but the episode's message speaks volumes to people that don't live the straight and narrow lifestyle.

That poor man must have contemplated suicide more than anyone could possibly imagine because, according to catholic teaching, God gave him a life that God was sure he (the transsexual) could survive and overcome. And if you claim that by getting a sex-change was the way the transsexual could overcome his internal hell, well you're wrong, because the Church means through natural means can he overcome his internal hell. ARGH!

So this is dedicated to anyone whose felt that God has fucked them over but were too scared to believe it. You were right, He probably did.

Below is a little rant I wrote shortly after I came out to my mother, don't worry, my blog will back to it's random funniness soon (I'm thinking of a post that deals with vegans and goths, just trying to tie the two together somehow...)

Why religion is evil.

“A family that prays together stays together”. Simple saying I’m sure a lot of people have heard it. First time I heard it was from my best friend Jen, after she was having a small dilemma with her faith and family. I can’t really remember the details of what was going on, but it was resolved quickly. I look back on this saying and see how cold it feels; how wrong it feels to say it. I wonder how many people that claim to live by this saying (don’t worry jenga, not saying you do) know what it’s like to come out to their family?

Lemme make something perfectly clear here, I am a momma’s boy. My mom tells me jump, I not only say how high, I would ask with how many legs. She is my best friend in the entire world and thought she thought the same of me. Another thing I need to explain to anyone who reads this (maybe more than Janey and Jen this time? LOL) is that most gay males are momma’s boys, I would guess somewhere in the 80% of gay men are closer to their mothers than their fathers. We do not give two shits if our fathers beat the hell out of us after we come out to them, if our fathers kick us out of the house or if they make living in their house a living hell – all we care about is that our mothers will look at us exactly as they did when we were born after we utter “Mom, I’m gay” to them; perfect. There is such a thing as perfection, my mom told me I was perfect and that’s why it’s so hard to accept that I’m gay.

Hope. A VERY strong part of religion. Hope there’s an afterlife, hope that a shitty life wont be so shitty, hope that this plan of your life turns out to kick ass. It’s also that sneaky conniving little bitch that ruins lives. It’s that small glimmer of hope that every gay man has that puts his logic, intelligence and common sense on hold. It’s your mom asking you to help prepare the meal or to accompany her shopping because she trusts your fashion sense or to ask you which actor you think is the most attractive. It’s these and a number of things that makes any gay man think “SHE KNOWS!! SHE HAS TO KNOW! WHY ELSE?! AND IF SHE KNOWS, SHE MUST NOT CARE!!” because you’re still in your home, right? Your mom is not degrading you, right? This hope grows despite all the other things you’ve heard, “gays are just greedy” or “I don’t know what I would do if one of you turned out to be gay”. But those don’t matter, hope gives you that strength to push onward, it will bring an atheist to his knees praying to a god he doesn’t believe in, begging him to make his mother not care, because he’s gonna get up and walk down those stairs, and tell his mom he’s gay. Hope is a lie.

So where is religion in all of this? Why is it evil? Surely my opinion is biased. Nope, it’s not. My mom, being the mother she was, seeing how distraught I was seconds before I uttered those three words that would change our lives, asked me first “whose pregnant?” followed by “or are you sick?” Up to the millisecond, my mom was a total mother, looking out for me, making sure I was ok. But the moment I said,“Mama, I’m gay” followed by me convulsing, nearly collapsing, followed by me asking “do you still love me?” she sat down and said “of course I do, but this is something we’re just gonna have to deal with”. It’s her religion that prevents her from seeing me as that dark hair baby, her last child that she would ever have, and instead sees her child as sick. It’s religion that prevented her from stopping me ask that ridiculous question “do you still love me?” and embracing me with the strongest hug she could muster, and telling me, without me asking, that she loves me. It’s religion that holds that prejudice in her heart, the same heart that I would hear and use to drown out any noise while she fed me as an infant. It’s religion that has masked my mother’s eyes and told her I’m not allowed to be happy. It’s religion that tells her I’m someone different now. It’s religion that causes her to forget that I was once inside her, that I was physically a part of her. It’s religion that has taken my mother from me and now with hope gone, and my logic and intelligence coming back to me – it’s religion that’s evil not us.

The Sandman drugs me

I'm known, amongst my vast, vast, vast circle of friends for having some pretty WEIRD dreams. Recently I started writing them down, here are the top three, enjoy!

Dream 1:

Monday May 31st 2004
Me and my family moved to the country, the place is called MIDLAND, me and my brothers are waiting for a school bus (my oldest brother is 31 in real life and my second oldest is 25) and I’m 20. My dad is looking down one end of the street waiting for 'sharlene' the bus driver to come, while our 'neighbour' across the street is looking down the other end of the street, my dad and neighbor made this deal.
I go back into my house telling my mom I need a school bag and the idea that I don’t really need one, first pops up here, but I quickly ignore it.
I miss the bus
But find it, and it's a small bus, PACKED with children that start fighting, I remember it being dark in the school bus, and the children look almost dirty. The bus looks old and ghetto and dark yellow, maybe from the rust and age of the vehicle.
So I go for a walk instead and realize I should be in university, not elementary school – in other words the idea that something is wrong - I was very close to knowing that I was in a dream; but I didn’t admit to it. THEN, I’m walking in a field, that has a paved path, but I’m not walking on the path and walk into a townhouse complex that has 5 moose in it, two baby ones, with sleek coats and then two adult ones, presumably their parents and then one made outta woodI walk to this plant hedge and then wake up.

Dream 2:

Tuesday June 1, 2004

First dream I had I was suppose to meet up with some friends, and end up going to a fast food place, most likely Wendy’s, late at night, but it’s still open and there is a line up. I get a phone call from someone and then find myself walking in an alley with a girl that is scared of me, as I’m thinking she thinks I’ll probably end up raping her, she catches my eye and runs to her car, thinking I’m going to rape her. Then I go to her and ask if everything is ok, she says something I can’t remember and then her other friend shows up and the first girl realizes how silly she was for thinking I would rape her.
The second dream I had, we were in a parking lot and a bunch of us were getting out of cars and I ran up to hug Jenn Tung, with my shirt off, and she didn’t hug as tightly back, maybe cuz of the acne on my back. Then we started to argue playfully, and I called her a freak for eating wood (she was eating wood, but I was thinking of corn flakes) and then Rob R just looked at me and I say – “well it wouldn’t be a problem if it was another type of wood” – and it actually looked like he didn’t get what I meant. And then Jo and Jenn (or Mo) turned away from me.

Dream 3:

January 24, 2006
I’m walking around a ghetto part of TO and realize it's not safe and start walking to a ttc station to get home quicker, specifically I think it’s Museum Station, but it clearly isn’t. I give some bum 5 bucks because he asks if I can spare any change, as I open my wallet I have a few higher bills in there (20’s, 10’s) and he peers into it and gives me this weird look while he takes my five. He’s black. And then a bunch of (black) hobos come after me, telling me to give them money, specifically a guy wearing a green jacket and pink hat, telling me, but no using many words, that because I have so much more, I should give so much more.
THEN for some odd reason, I’m invisible and only Sean can see me and I can walk through anything. So we start hanging out and then I get sad because I’ve met Sean’s black grandmother "momma" and she says all these nasty things about gay people.

Then Sean and I are in the kitchen and I almost knock over this cereal box that’s resting on a plastic container of some sort. The kitchen was small and had white cabinets, almost like Jen C’s kitchen. And we're both shocked because I’m no longer invisible, I scream to momma if she can see me and she can and she's soooooo happy to see me, we start crying we're so happy and then Sean gets jealous and leaves.

I thank HER for all she's done and then leave your house (but it wasn’t Sean’s house on Kensington place) and then as I turn around to look at Sean, I see that he’s naked and I’m looking at him with his back to me and he’s masturbating, furiously.

If anyone wants to do an interpretation of them, by all means, go right ahead; I just hope I'm not a crazy.

Me.

I usually don't do this - but for some reason I felt inspired today...

Colorblind by The Counting Crows

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready I am ready I am ready I am
Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine

-My Favourite Song

Break Free

You make me want to break free and become the air.
Become the air, so I can kiss your lips when the wind blows.
Become the air, so I can play in your hair, like a child lost in innocence, darting through a grassy field.
Become the air, so you can wrap your arms around yourself, and feel how tight I want to hold you.
Become the air so I can remain invisible to you as I am now.

-My Poem







































-My Art (inspired by http://www.asofterworld.com)














-My Normality

-My Future

-My Hope

what drives you? what motivates you?

that's just it, the sad thing is, right now, i dont think i have anything that drives me, i like to laugh, i like the smell of gasoline, i like to play board games, i like to dance, i like my friends, but i have nothing right now, that makes me get up in the morning - i guess that's what im looking for

-My Confession

CANNONBALL!!!!!!!!!!!

So I attended my first ever Engineering Box Social and it was a blast. My great friend, one of the jens, Jen Lee organized the whole shin-dig and it was a smash! Here are some memories of this wonderful night:

So the night started out with me meeting my best friend's, Ana, boyfriend, Adam for the first time. Awww first impressions!














But what Ana has done to her, Darek must also have done to him, Avril's kinky!















[Puppy(Me) + Ana(Monkey)]*Happiness = SMILE-ZILLA! - It's like our faces have shrunk to allow room for more smiling...














Thanks Av for being my date - damn we look goooooooood!














Next, Jenn (Red-haired Goddess) owed me 4 dollars, oddly enough, shots were 4 bucks - coincedence or Universal Cosmic Convergence?!?!?!














When you finish your wine before dinner arrives, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your buzz alive - and in this case it's steal wine from other tables...DON'T JUDGE ME!














Let's take a minute and admire goregous bartender(in the tank)...*sigh*














Let's see, I have pictures of my hags, picture of beautiful bartender, what else do I need to completely gayify this post...SHOES! (Models are Jenn and Avril)














Me and the Jens - one's Chinese and one's Vegan - can you guess which?














The night isn't complete without some girl on gay on girl action!














YAAAAAAAY DANCING!














But after all that drinking and eating and drinking and dancing and drinking - little DarChu was all tuckered out...