Monday, July 17, 2006

Jesus vs. Satan

So after watching Tribute by Tenacious D on Video on Trial on Much just now, an EXCELLENT comment was made by this hilarious new juror.
If you are not familiar with the video, it has Tenacious D (Jack Black and Kyle Glass) remember the time they fought off the devil by playing the best song in the world. Half way through the video, the Devil makes a guitar come forth and tries to rock away the awesome rock-ness of the greatest song in the world, but alas, fails and perishes.
So here is what the hilarious new juror said:
"If Satan plays a guitar, what do you think Jesus would play? Probably something like a...flute"
I nearly shat myself. So I'm gonna do a bunch of comparisons of everyday objects/sayings/actors/actresses/etc to Jesus and Satan.
Satan: Angelina Jolie - Bitch doesn't give too shits she broke up a marriage, she gets to pork B-Pitt and have their beautiful children from now until eternity.
Jesus: Tobey McGuire - He doesn't eat meat, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and drives a hybrid car. It's not that you hate Toby, you'd just rather have cooler friends to hang out with.
Satan: Magneto - I consider Magneto a hero, number one fighter for mutant rights. But Magneto does whatever in the hell he wants and doesn't care whom he hurts in the process; from X3 "I'm sorry my dear, you're no longer one of us" - FUCKING EH!
Jesus: Cyclops - Again, you can't really hate the guy. He does save people, he wants peace between humans and mutants, but really, does anyone out there consider Cyclops one of their favourites? If he didn't have mutant powers and that kick ass body, you know he'd be an accountant and married to a 300 pound woman named "Gerdy".
Satan: Mystique - Now here's someone that does whatever she wants to get whatever she desires. Turn on fellow mutants to help Apocalypse? Sure thang. Brainwash Rogue because of her wicked power and the power it could give me? Yeeeeeeep. Turn on Magneto in order to just be a vengeful cunt. Abso-fucking-lutely!
Jesus: Rhino-Dude - Okay, so I forgot his name. But he's the dude that dressed up like a Rhino and was an enemy of Spiderman. A. Rhino. Yeah, ok, you're crazy-strong, but after're a rhino.
First Aid Products
Satan: Iodine - Fucking hurts like hell but in the end it's doing what's best for you and your situation.
Jesus: Polysporin - You rub it on and it nevers goes away. Ever. You gotta rub it off when you want to go to bed and when you do, you just end up causing yourself pain in doing so. That's Jesus for you, around all the time, but when you wanna get rid of him, you get all guilty for trying and in the end just end up with oily feet. (Who can tell I'm running out of ideas AND putting Polysporin on the cuts on my feet?)
Satan: Kim Jong-Il - This fucker does whatever the hell he wants. America says DON'T build missles, bitch goes and builds missles. America says DON'T build more missles than what you have and we're cool - fucker goes and builds MORE missles. America says fine fine, you've built your missles just DON'T test them out - sonofabitch tests them out. He just doesn't give up!
Jesus: President of Finland - Does anyone know who the President of Finland is? Did anyone know that Finland has a President? I'm sure the person is a great person, you never hear Finland doing anything bad, the newspapers aren't filled with headlines about the torment and toil going on up there, so I'm sure everything is fine. But just like everything else, it's...Finland.
In other words, Jesus is like our Screech. When you're young, you can't hate the guy, and you find him a little funny. When you're a teen, you feel guilty about bad talking him 'cause of all the great memories of your youth. When you're an adult, you just kinda feel sorry for the guy due to where he ended up; chillin in Heaven, forever, with his perfect father, his virgin mother and a bird.

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