Thanks Miss Piggy :)

So today was the first day of school. I woke up early and didnt have to, I tried to go back to bed and couldn't and had to walk to Union Station twice today. I had boring class right away, took me a whole 10 minutes before I checked my cell phone for the time.

I got small pick me ups during the day; Jenn accompanied me to Union for the first trip. Then we ate delicious sushi and I learned what Futo Maki was and fell in love with it. Sweet and savoury.

The next pick me up came from Travis, when he sent me "When life gives your lemons, you clone those lemons and make super lemons" seems kinda fitting to help me outta my funk. Then I learned about cement...for two hours.

Soon it became apparent to me that I had another year of school left and that I would soon have to look for a job and plan a nifty vacation when I graduate. Stuff I didn't want to think about at all. Jenn is planning on studying somewhere in Europe for two years after she graduates. Sami wants to find a better job then his last co-op placement when he graduates.

I want to learn about everything - yes I know I sound like a Dawson's Creek character. But I just want to soak up knowledge like sponge does water and then have it flow out of me, landing everywhere and hopefully educating some.

After getting home, Ashorina didn't want to hang at square one (we're drifting apart and I don't like that), a joke said to Travis backfired terribly and I realized I would have to go to bed at 10:30ish tonight so as not to be exhausted for class at 8am tomorrow.

I then took out Miss Piggy; I let her crawl around my stomach (I was wearing a shirt, you perverts) and then noticed something. She stopped moving when Evermore's 'It's Too Late' starting playing and got a lot clamer when Pilate's 'Into Your Hideout' started to play. But Miss Piggy's hearing is not the best, so how could she hear it?

Here's the nifty bit. I was playing the music from my computer, the speakers emit the sound, the wood the desk is made of wood and carried the vibrations and the vibrations travelled up my leg which was resting against my desk and I'm assuming Miss Piggy was able to literally "feel" the music. She stopped moving, her heart wasn't racing, I could pet her anywhere without her fraking out (get your mind outta the gutters pervs) and for a while I forgot about my problems.

So because of my sweet adorable hamster, I learned that I'm a smart kid and I shouldn't be so scared over something so natural as growing up. Thanks Miss Piggy, you have great taste in music :)

Darek: Then and Now

Darek 7 years ago:
Grade 11 - 16 years old
2 kidneys
Short-ish hair - gelled way too much
Bad skin - wore a lot of clothing to cover it up
Very Catholic - suffering is good*said between clenched teeth* up early for church and daily prayer make you a discplined and healthy person *said between clenched teeth*
Pro-Life - "The mother has made her choice, she has to live with it now" - my philosophy back then
Anti-Death Penaulty - "The person on death row wasn't judged by God as he should be, but by man, who is flawed" - something I said during law class
Anti-Euthanasia - "No person on the planet as the right, a right solely belonging to God, to end a life"- again, something said during grade 11 law
Part of the Student Chaplency - started a prayer group still going on during school right now
Prayer - I use to pray a part of the rosary every day, during my lunch break
Terribly Closeted - "There's nothing wrong with gay people - but Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin"
Salesian - finally popular-esque
Future Goal - Becoming a priest, specifically a Jesuit, so I could travel the world, educating people; the Jesuits were the smartest of the priests.

Darek - Today

1 kidney

Short hair - and that's how it's staying for now

Good skin - it feels good to wear a short sleeve shirt without being shy

Very Untitled - there's God and he's grand, but I ain't getting up early for you anymore

Pro-Choice - If someone is going to have the audacity to tell me how to live my life, I can't be the same kind of prick to someone else - my philosophy now

Anti-Death Penaulty - I can't believe I'm going to say this, but this is something I picked up from my dad - If someone does a barbaric crime, like molest a child, kill a human being, or rape a woman then death is the easy way out for them. Hard labour, 2 meals a day, up at 6 every day for the rest of their lives is what will make them truly regret what they've done - Amen Tata.

Euthanasia - My cousin's friend just died of liver cancer, she suffered immeasureably the last few months of her life. Her daughter couldn't touch her and her family began to shun her. Can anyone out there tell a dying woman she has no right to end her own suffering?

Part of the Queer Engineering Group - I haven't done much, but would like to do more. This year is going to be different. Either with the group or finally writing for the engineering paper.

Prayer - I haven't prayed in years; I miss the basic rituals in life that seperated me from the animals.

Out and Proud - Being gay is the greatest thing about me. Without it, I'd be voting conservative, sleeping with an Agnieska or Magda or Ania before church and going to Fregata on friday nights after my shift at the Gap. An open mind is better than the security of a closed one.

Myself - surrounded by terrific friends. nerdy as fuck though :D

Future Goal - no clue. Nothing engineering-like.

ROBYN IS THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!

(Post-surgery Post will be up soon-ish)
So my friend ROBYN IS THE BESTEST FRIEND IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! She is the winner of the Friendy’s this time and you’ll see why she’s so much better than ANY of the bitches reading this post right now. Honestly you’ll feel bad about yourselves and the way you’ve been my friend after reading and seeing all the wonderful things she’s done. She just stopped by, from Niagara Falls, to say hello and see how I was feeling and is now on her way back to Niagara Falls – she just stopped by for a half hour. That’s right BITCHES feel bad, feel really really bad about yourselves right now!

So this time, instead of a long list of reasons why I love this girl to pieces, I'm gonna show you what makes her so unique. Robyn has this terrific habit of making little cards for her friends when they've gone through a dramatic time (for engineers that means exams that went shittily) or when she thinks they're blue.




Here is every card she's ever made for me:

On the inside of the card it says:
You'll be able to walk normal again
You'll be able to stop men from wearing pink
You'll be able to have any man you want (if you don't already...I wouldn't be surprised)
You'll be able to stand up to those "evil, tempting, beautiful" women that you have a hard time saying "NO" to, even though you don't really want to
You'll rule the world
You'll win the lottery and take me on a trip
You'll break that bad habit of snorting coke off a hooker's stomach
You'll be the most beautiful person ever....wait...you already are! :) awww muffin
You'll stop having kidney problems
You'll marry Donald Trump....ewwwwwwww
You'll finish reading this card and you'll LOVE it
I hope you feel better because you deserve better! :) *HEART* Roybn
-she wrote this for me after a good old fashioned bitch fest about a boy, stupid andrew *mumbling profanities*

Here’s the second card she’s made me:
On the inside of the card it says:

“Puppys, rainbows, nice weather, being out with your favourite person, Robyn, eating favourite food, hot guy, puppies, horses, vanilla smelling things, Robyn, Birkemoe, Bamboo, the movie Ever After, boyfriend, best friends…”

How did you get so tought?!? You win the award for toughest cookie ever! And the most gorgeous…tee hee.

I hope you feel better and your little guy doesn’t hurt too much. You’re a trooper!

(I wish I could take your potential pain)

With Love, Robyn


And on the back of the second card, because she knows how much I love crosswords:
-this was after my gut wrenching procedure with a stent and no anathesia, read ' So Long Stenty, We Hardly Knew Thee!' for all the drama.

Here’s the third card:
Here’s what’s written (and drawn) on the inside:

Hey Darek,

I couldn’t think of anything to put on the cover, but then I caught you stroking the pole in front of you. I know it is a pleasing site, that wonderfully cast concrete column (even with the bug holes) but at least keep it private. I mean c’mon, you were practically drooling, with your mouth open like Jayla during one shoot.

So what do you think about the show now? Who’s going to win? This is of course, after I severely HURT Nicole…haha. I can see her getting better, but she’s not my style. EWWWWW

Lots of heart shape
Robyn

-after some boredom in the beautiful Bahen Centre, getting a much needed tutorial before a final - MAYBE THIS IS WHY I FAIL?!

Here’s the fourth:
Hey Darek!

Well at lease your kidney will be going to things more usefullike:

Kidney Pie
Dog Food
Haggus
Hot Dogs
Kidney-shaped pool design
ALL Chinese food
Handbags for celebrities
Etc etc etc

So, do not be sad. Your kidney had a greater purpose than you could have ever known. Now, you can be happy! You are such a good provider. J

Robyn
-after learning that I would have to get my Kidney removed, she's so beautiful it's ridiculous!

The fifth card but hopefully not last :(

Starts off with “YAM….mmmmmm” (Yeah that confused me too)

Did you know that Peter Lassonde was a C- average student at U of T and now he is one of the most successful businessmen in Canada? He was the largest supply of diamonds, gold, nickel, copper, etc. He rules the world! And so can you. J I would worship you if you became King…for sure.
Hey Darek, my beauty.

I hope you have a wonderful day today. I know yesterday was a little tough, but I want you to know what things will be ok. Life has a funny way of working out. Besides, I think you are very smart and you should never think otherwise. Obviously my opinion means everything, so believe me! (I should be in the Bible…I’m that good) You’ll do great on Municipal; time to turn over a new leaf. Don’t let anything in the past bug you!

-Robyn


With a penguin on the back, because we all know Penguins are the ancient Chinese symbol of Nice-ness :)

We call what this girl as done, OVERTIME ladies and gents - she truly is the Queen of queens :)

-this was after I completely bombed my Municpal Engineering Midterm - 15.5/30!! But she was right, I ended up with a 70 in that class :)

So to you and you fabulous rump Robyn, I salute you!

I mean look at that thing, you can bounce quarters off of it and shit!

Bye Bye Motherfucking Kidney!

So tomorrow is the big motherfucking day! I'm finally getting rid of the kidney that doesn't let me sleep on my sides and causes me so much fucking discomfort if I sit/stand/walk for too long. But this post is about tomorrow - it's about how great today was!

So it started in the morning - I didn't wake up exhausted - I didn't wake up peppy and full of energy like the freaks of nature known as Christine and Jamie - but I wasn't exhausted and therefore not a grumpy bitch. I could even hold a conversation with my Dad!

At work, I didn't do too much box-cutting, mostly putting together orders, assembling stuff, and then I was surprised with the greatest surprise (at that point of the day) ever! My co-workers bought me pizza!!! FOUR OF THEM! It was so delicious - new favourite pizza is chicken and bruscetta - mmmmmmmm, I'm looking at you Jen; I know that sounds most appealing to you :)

So after the little pizza party, I learned that my boss Hanna is a lot cooler than I thought before - she speaks fluent German, her daughter is living in Switzerland, married to a Swiss guy and Hanna has an apartment back in Switzerland, which she plans on moving back to, when she retires.

I then got a little sad, everyone at work was sad to see me leave. Three people told me they would pray for me and Rena (the Alpha Female) along with Illiyn (the woman I thought was really mean at first but turned out to be so-so nice (notice the hyphen)) and then a surprise hug from Janita and Hanna. Sooooooo much hugging! ALL FOR ME!

So I get home, shower and change and then me and Bren go see Snakes on a Plane; it is, by far, the best movie of the summer. Motherfucking terrific!!!!!

But before Snakes on a Plane, I was pleasantly surprised by my best friend's gift to me -

This is one of those gifts that just goes to show you how great a friend can be at what should be his best friend's scariest moment in life - I burst out laughing when I saw the diagram and read what he wrote on the shirt. It completely made my day, I could have had my surgery then and there and would have it with a smile on my face. Thanks Brendan - one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.

What's written on the shirt you may ask?
...
..
.

Do you all see what I mean now? Who rocks the motherfucking hizzie? B-man does, that's who motherfucken does!

So after Snakes on a Plane, which again, greatest movie of the summer, Bren treated me to Denny's, we finally finished our talk that was interrupted at Crystal's farewell party and laughed it up, wondering why Avril doesn't do TYS (Things You Said) anymore and how it's left our lives a little empty. Austrailia is now something I would like to do next year and Denny's gives you CRAZY itis.

After Denny's it was time for Second Cup, where we ended the night talking about Transformers the Movie and how much we absolutely LOVED Beasties and Beast Machines; I learned he loved Dinobot and he learned I love Black Arachnia.

Thank you to all who have given me best wishes and prayers during this time, my surgery is at 11:45am tomorrow at St. Michael's Hospital.

To conclude I leave you with some of the greatest quotes said by Samuel L. Jackson - the NEW Chuck Norris. That's right, Chuck Norris is out and Samuel L. Jackson is in:

"I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" - Snakes on a Plane

"That's a Duck, not a Dick" - The Long Kiss Goodnight

"English Motherfucker?! Do you speak it?!?" - Pulp Fiction

"Geena Davis: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?

Samuel L. Jackson: I took lessons!" - The Long Kiss Goodnight (that one was for you travis)

And the best quote said by Samuel L. Jackson:

"If you're gonna mouth off sir, I remind that if you go to jail and you will go to jail, you will be assfucked for the next three years and if by some miracle you are not charged and don't go to jail, I will personally hire someone to assfuck you for the next three years, so if you're an assfuckin' fan, I suggest you go and mouthoff to me" - The Long Kiss Goodnight

To all my dear friends who have prayed for me, kept me in your thoughts and worried for me, I love you all from the bottom of my heart; thank you for being there, I'll see you guys in a few days, hopefully sooner :)

Rafting!

So this is KEEEERRRRAZY late but I'm still amazed by how many great photos I took on this little excursion to Calumet Quebec for a 3 day rafting trip.

Enjoy!


I don't know what Jen was eating, but it was either really really really good OR really really bad...

And it caught the attention of Jonas and Claudia apparently...


Oh Mima was caught masturbating...

Here's the lovely Janey looking as lovely as ever, thanks for helping put all this together - it was an amazing experience!





Look Claudia, you're not the only one with talent with the camera! JEALOUS?!

Hey look, that celebrity is masturbating! Too bad we can't tell who that sexy fine bitch is due to his incognito glasses!!!

Sigh...why can't you people just leave Jamie alone, while he's posing for you? All he wants is to live his life in peace, while posing for you and he can't do that, if you're gonna take pictures of him every 5 minutes, while he's posing for you!


Not only was Bella masturbating, but she didn't get caught until she reached the Big-O; truly organic experience my fine ass Bella!



Photoshoot time! The challenge is to be a mirror image of the other person - I was clearly distracted by Mima's breasts, just like every breathing thing on the planet; hell I'm sure flowers fucking turn to her when she walks by!


Tyra: "I like how you guys are showing your versatility but are still yourselves. But Mima I think you depend too much on your breasts and not enough on your ragadociousity. Darek, I'm going to be blunt, I don't know how you made this far - you're immature at the photoshoots, you don't take Ms. J seriously as a professoinial, when Jay Manuel told you to be more "Oomph-y" you just stared at him dumbfounded, you didn't even understand what he meant and you're male, a clear violation in this contest - but Darek, there's something about you I can't seem to let go - Thanks Mima."

Brendan! You heard what Paddy the Bus Driver said: "Donnabuyadrinkwithanymilkoracreaminit *grunt* *mumblemumble* *whuzzle whazzle* orelseIneedstagetsanewseatferdabusdere - dunnamakemetappathesign"

I don't think he can be anymore clear in his explicit instructions!



To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems! Here here B-man, this trip wouldn't have been the same without ya!


*Note to self* When doing my Janet Jackson "Every Time" Video Impersonation with Anthonia - make sure to use flash!

And that's how the powerful but short relationship between Bella and Jamie started; a lap dance, some alcohol, the woods - did it move a little Jamie?

Sam's the meat in this filipino sandwich; yeah yeah Jo, I know you're Malaysian but if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck...





Jay showing the world he has a pierced tongue - fucking slut! And I think Jamie is trying to figure out why in fact it did move...

Bella doing her best "Canada's Next Top Model" Sisi impersonation - don't believe me?




Need I say more?
















Jamie ain't the only fag that got some girl action this year; I think this is how they kiss in Goa.


Here's Bren and Jen showing us what their relationship will be like 50 years from now. Jen, the dutiful filipina wife, ignoring her white husband has he tries to shine a little bit of affection on her.

Go Tent Awesome!!!! Jamie trying to smother me in my sleep, rubbing my feet in Sam's face and Jo the innocent by-stander caught up in all that maddness! Can't wait to bunk with you guys again!!

Awwwwwwwww - you and your stupid diet; I've realized we've never gotten drunk together! Almost 20 goddamn years of friendship and we haven't drunk ourselves stupid together!

And lastly Mort - don't worry buddy, that case of psoriosis will clear up eventually and you'll make it big one day and get out of Snelgrove!

Lance Bass - You're an Asshole!

So I may be late in my blog about the "shock" that Lance Bass is a big flamin' mo; but I'm not praising this asshole, and you will all see why very shortly...

Like now...

In reading an interview online at mtv.com Lance here said the following:

"The thing is, I'm not ashamed — that's the one thing I want to say...
I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life."

Excellent, good for you! It's an amazing feeling being able to be who you are and basically tell the world to fuck off if they can't handle it.

More of the interview read:

"I'm at peace with my family, my friends, myself and God, so there's nothing else that I worry about."

Growing up a staunch Roman Catholic, I can completely relate to the God reference. He's at peace, and I think that's what is important here. He's moving on, realizing him being gay isn't a tragedy and knows life is pretty darn good to him.

Further on in the interview:

"Telling his bandmates has been easy, but telling his family was another matter. His sister became pale and started crying when he told her, while his mother "broke down." "The worst part about it was my mom found out not from me," Bass said. "She found out on the Internet, and that's what just killed me. ... It destroyed her for a little bit." His father, in the meantime, was concerned about diseases, telling Lance that "It's much easier for gay people to get AIDS," and "Statistics show that these relationships don't last. You know it's not going to last." "I was like, 'Dad, wow!' "

Again, this is something I can completely relate to; having your parents not being able to accept you right away, to be seen differently by your mother and father is a very hard thing for a child.

So Lance Bass, welcome to the world of coming out, you've experienced what the majority of gay men have - a mixture of flat acceptance, people being curious and asking questions, ignorance and people looking at you differently now.

You must all be asking - "But Darek, how can you call him an asshole, after all these compliments and pearls of wisdom?"

Here's the end of his interview:

"I want people to take away from this that being gay is a norm," Bass said. "That the stereotypes are out the window ... I've met so many people like me that it's really encouraged me. I call them the SAGs — the straight-acting gays. We're just normal, typical guys. I love to watch football and drink beer."

YOU FUCKING CUNT! You stupid, ignorant, self-hating bastard. SAG? Honey, I may not have a lisp, may not shashay down the hallways at school and my wrists are not limpy spaghetti noodles - but if they were, I'd be equally proud of the faggot I am and equally ashamed of the fairy you are!

You may never read this, I hope to God it somehow reaches towards you, but you are a prick! Have you heard the story of Matthew Shepard, how he was beaten so badly his own mother couldn't at first identify him? How he was hung on a fence like a dead animal? All for what? Because maybe his flame shone a little brighter than others? Because he didn't drink beer and watch football.

Lance Bass you can go straight to hell - and baby, the only way yous gonna be straight actin' is if yous stop liking it up the ass and sugar pie, that ain't nevah, evah, gonna happen! SHIIIIIIIIIIT!

Jesus vs. Satan

So after watching Tribute by Tenacious D on Video on Trial on Much just now, an EXCELLENT comment was made by this hilarious new juror.

If you are not familiar with the video, it has Tenacious D (Jack Black and Kyle Glass) remember the time they fought off the devil by playing the best song in the world. Half way through the video, the Devil makes a guitar come forth and tries to rock away the awesome rock-ness of the greatest song in the world, but alas, fails and perishes.

So here is what the hilarious new juror said:

"If Satan plays a guitar, what do you think Jesus would play? Probably something like a...flute"

I nearly shat myself. So I'm gonna do a bunch of comparisons of everyday objects/sayings/actors/actresses/etc to Jesus and Satan.

Actors/Actresses

Satan: Angelina Jolie - Bitch doesn't give too shits she broke up a marriage, she gets to pork B-Pitt and have their beautiful children from now until eternity.

Jesus: Tobey McGuire - He doesn't eat meat, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and drives a hybrid car. It's not that you hate Toby, you'd just rather have cooler friends to hang out with.

Heroes

Satan: Magneto - I consider Magneto a hero, number one fighter for mutant rights. But Magneto does whatever in the hell he wants and doesn't care whom he hurts in the process; from X3 "I'm sorry my dear, you're no longer one of us" - FUCKING EH!

Jesus: Cyclops - Again, you can't really hate the guy. He does save people, he wants peace between humans and mutants, but really, does anyone out there consider Cyclops one of their favourites? If he didn't have mutant powers and that kick ass body, you know he'd be an accountant and married to a 300 pound woman named "Gerdy".

Villians

Satan: Mystique - Now here's someone that does whatever she wants to get whatever she desires. Turn on fellow mutants to help Apocalypse? Sure thang. Brainwash Rogue because of her wicked power and the power it could give me? Yeeeeeeep. Turn on Magneto in order to just be a vengeful cunt. Abso-fucking-lutely!

Jesus: Rhino-Dude - Okay, so I forgot his name. But he's the dude that dressed up like a Rhino and was an enemy of Spiderman. A. Rhino. Yeah, ok, you're crazy-strong, but after that....you're a rhino.

First Aid Products

Satan: Iodine - Fucking hurts like hell but in the end it's doing what's best for you and your situation.

Jesus: Polysporin - You rub it on and it nevers goes away. Ever. You gotta rub it off when you want to go to bed and when you do, you just end up causing yourself pain in doing so. That's Jesus for you, around all the time, but when you wanna get rid of him, you get all guilty for trying and in the end just end up with oily feet. (Who can tell I'm running out of ideas AND putting Polysporin on the cuts on my feet?)

Politicians

Satan: Kim Jong-Il - This fucker does whatever the hell he wants. America says DON'T build missles, bitch goes and builds missles. America says DON'T build more missles than what you have and we're cool - fucker goes and builds MORE missles. America says fine fine, you've built your missles just DON'T test them out - sonofabitch tests them out. He just doesn't give up!

Jesus: President of Finland - Does anyone know who the President of Finland is? Did anyone know that Finland has a President? I'm sure the person is a great person, you never hear Finland doing anything bad, the newspapers aren't filled with headlines about the torment and toil going on up there, so I'm sure everything is fine. But just like everything else, it's...Finland.

In other words, Jesus is like our Screech. When you're young, you can't hate the guy, and you find him a little funny. When you're a teen, you feel guilty about bad talking him 'cause of all the great memories of your youth. When you're an adult, you just kinda feel sorry for the guy due to where he ended up; chillin in Heaven, forever, with his perfect father, his virgin mother and a bird.

Friendy's - THE B-MAN WAY

I don't know why this one took so long to come to mind but then Bren was gone for a week - and I was at a loss. Hanging out with Jen was fun...but something was missing, there was no sass mouth, no shaking of the head at my terrible jokes - there just wasn't any sunshine.

But then Bren came back and called ME! ME! What was I doing he asked, well I'm going to see Nacho Libre and so are you and I'm buying you and Jen's tickets just to make sure you guys can get there and into the theatre.

So, here you go Big Guy, heart heart heart and BFFF, the top 5 reasons Brendan is not only the man, but the B-MAN!

5. He makes comics about me:

I may have asked for it but he delivered! View full to read it and laugh your ass off. DINGER!!! Marvelous!

I was feeling all blue after learning I had to get my kidney removed and look what this big lug of a guy does, well shucks! Does it matter that I asked for it? NOPE - Anything that feeds Darek's ego is a good thing. And Brendan knows this.


4. He lives close by. Like 5 minutes away. And I don't mean 5 minutes in Central Asian Time which means a half hour; down the road and make a right! So many friendships are destroyed because of distance so the opposite must be that so little friendships are NOT destroyed because of distance; this rings true for Bren and I. You need a ride buddy? NO PROBLEMO KIMO SABE!

3. Rexie. Brendan has the coolest.dog.ever.

And side note to everyone reading. Look at Rexie here and now scroll up to the first picture of Bren - now scroll back down and once more back to Bren.

Resemblence? Maybe they are one in the same : Which only makes sense, Bren cannot be cooler than Rexie and at the same time Rexie cannot be cooler than Bren. *Whispers Alleulia*

2. He knew the only reason I liked FeFe Dobson was because she was black. The conversation was like this:

Me: "Oh, I'm starting to like her" *Bye Bye Boyfriend playing in the car*

Bren: "She's just pop with a electric guitar rep (or rev or rip I don't know guitar lingo) playing in the background"

Me: "Still, I can dance to her and she writes her own lyrics"

*Split second of awkward silence*

Me: "PLUS she's black and sings rock"

Bren: "I KNEW IT! OH GOD, I WAS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY THAT, I KNEW THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU LIKE HER!"

Me: "You satisfied?"

Bren: "Yes"

1. Who else would use their sense of smell, for 20 minutes, under a christmas tree, along with Yungsiow and I, to locate the mysterious "pot" smell and then...fart.

For all these reasons and many more, Brendan is this week's winner of the Friendy's!

Heart heart heart and BFFF big guy

The Worst of Me

So I haven't had a post about my favourite topic in a while, that topic being me.

And instead of talking about the greatness that is my wonderful exsistence - I shall talk about the five little ticks and habits that are not my best. Enjoy!

5. Biting Nails

I slobber over my nails while I'm nervous, bored, excited, drunk, reading, you name it! I can't help it, I've been doing it since I could chew. Yes yes, I know, the germs, the vile vile germs on my hands but, and here's where my twisted sense of logic (that Ana loves and hates secretly) comes in handy, if I've been doing this since I was a babe and haven't gotten violently ill from it, it can't be that bad, no?

4. Eating Fruit

I just can't do it gracefully!! Oranges. Are. The. Devil. First they're encased in an inpenterable case of death that squirts a sweet smelling juice on you if you penetrate it, but don't be fooled! Get that juice in your eyes - and it's all over folks! And God forbid the orange has seeds! Having to eat and spit out the seeds, it can never been done nicely. I always look like like I'm trying cunninglingus on each slice only realizing I can't and give up.

3. First Impressions

Another thing I completely BLOW at. With the exception of a few (Jen C and Ana) I always seem like I have a terrible disposition when meeting people for the first time. Even if it's something like a greeter at Wal-Mart. They're all cherry and smiley, say hello to me and I rush by as if they're lepers, mutter a "Hi" and continue shopping. Or I do that embarassing:

"Hi Welcome to 'Insert store name'"

"Not bad, thanks, and you?"

"Oh I was just saying 'Hello'"

"Oh...Hi"

GRRRRRRRR I just hate mindless, idle chatter.

2. Vocabulary

I'm realizing more and more that my vocabulary is AWFUL. And I don't understand why?! Too much MSN? Too much time making up words/sayings like "Hilariousity" and "Computration Device". I'm always stumbling over my words, stuttering them, or hoping that the last thing I said wasn't heard for fear of ridicule. I think I just wanna be heard and try too hard to get every point I want to make in a conversation out that I don't think before I speak. That or MSN.

1. Can't Whisper for the LIFE OF ME!

No matter how many times I try to whisper, or talk without moving my lips I always end up talking at a regular voice that the person I'm probably talking about can hear me at or LOUDER than I originally would. And God help you if you're wearing an ugly outfit and at the same party I'm attending and I'm drunk and right beside me, cuz the next words outta my mouth are going to be "Hey Jamie - Look at Ugmolina over here, bitch things she has style - tranny hookers wouldn't even wear that shit" yelling as if I were across the room, when he'd be right beside me.

Aging: The Unstoppable Killer

So it's official, I'm getting old. I went to play tennis this weekend with my friend's Brennifer. Afterwards, we watched our friends play two games of baseball (they call themselves the SUPERFRIENDS) and to kill some time, me and Jen, and along with Bren began doing some long jumping.

I went home, feeling fine, not a care in the world, thinking "This is going to be the summer of fitness, of creating and keeping a healthy lifestyle - 'I'm gonna take up running' I exclaimed to my mother still high on Adrenaline.

Then the morning of Monday came...

I. couldn't. move.

But being the son of Polish immigrants, I could not deny my heritage and forced myself up and got to work. Bending, which is a MUST in the profession of box cutting/lifting, was not happening. Walking was a nightmare.

I had to give up. I clocked out at 10:35am, swallowing my pride and went to the doctors. Learned I had a tilted disc in my spine! WHAT IN HOLY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

First kidney problems, and now this?! Next I'll have to start wearing adult diapers and talking about yesteryear while smoking a pipe and sitting on my porch, leaning on my cane.

Luckily I got to skip two days of work (been working there a month and have YET to do a full week's work!) where I just took the happy drugs my doctor prescribed - Tylenol 3 and APO CYCLOBENZAPRINE. Taken alone, these little pills do nothing to me, but together their drug forces unite putting me in a mini-coma for hours on end. I'm currently fighting off the urge to sleep to write this up, so I better be making you bitches laugh...

Luckily, the tilted disc is nothing serious and should untilt itself soon. But yes, must start running, or power walking or SOMETHING to keep me active and preventing this "Aging" thing from taking place.

I need someone to push me to be active, call me up and ask if I would like to go for a run, or a swift power-walk or hell, just keep me from writing this blog...

Oh man, Gnarls Barkley when you're legally high, is kick ass!

Time for the Friendy's Again!

This Friendy is dedicated to Earl John Falco - and I know what most of you are thinking "WHAAAAAAAAAT?" 'cause Earl and I are friends, but not the bestest and greatest on the planet. No one thinks of Earl and knows (unknowingly) of our friendship or vice versa, but today I sensed he was a little blue so I hope this cheers him up.

So let's see, great and wonderful memories of Earl John Falco.

Hmmm, I don't have elaborate stories about our friendships, but more snip-its that are just hilarious.

1. I completely invited myself to a movie he was seeing with Shaun, Jamie, and Mel once and they missed my house, like by two houses. They called and said they were outside, I go outside and they're waiting down the street...

Now this might not be so funny to the everyday reader of my wonderful blog, but it's pretty awkward not knowing what Earl's car is and then having to walk down, on the road, and sorta make eye contact with anyone in the car (which is hard since the windows are tinted) and then not turn beet red when everyone in the car knows exactly what you're thinking.

2. He never laughs at the jokes I say that I think are hilarious. Which would make one think I should think that maybe I'm not as funny as I think - but that's not a possibility. I could be belting the most funniest shit Ive thought of and at most he'll give me a pity smile. Then I'll say something that isnt that funny or just a genuine question and he'll just laugh out loud (LOL'ing bitches!).

"Did you eat all of it (it being the remains of the disgusting funnel cake at Eastside Mario)?"

"Yeah. Yeah I did. Don't judge me! *laughter*"

OH EARL - YOU ENIGMA!

3. He'll talk to me randomly, on MSN, in person, wherever. And usually the MSN convo's start on a name I've written that I dont think is that funny, BUT HE DOES!

And that's what's great aboot him! He thinks differently, our senses of humor are completely different - but he's one of the funniest guys I know. So Earl, I hope this trip down memory lane made you smile a little and helped you get outta the funk!

ANTM MEGA BLOG - echo - BLOG Blog blog....

Alritey - I just wanna waste about 2 hours and that's how long this post is going to take me, so be prepared all, there are going to be a butt load of pictures on here, so let them all load.
So, ever since Cycle 4 of America's Next Top Model, I've fallen in love with modelling, I'm looking closely at people's attire and critiquing it in my head (like the goth chick that was checking me out/casting a spell on me on the subway recently - "Sweety, if you just put some relaxer in your hair, dye it a funky blue-black, wear jeans that don't look like you robbed a homeless person and get rid of that lip piercing, you'd be fierce!") and I'm paying more and more attention to the judges and their bullshit reasoning for getting mad at and kicking out models.

But Cycle 6 has, surprisingly, had some REALLY good photo shoots and even more surprisingly singled out two models as spectacular: Danielle and Joanie.

So below, you're gonna find every photoshoot picture and my critique of each. Enjoy!




















In my opinion both equally astonishing! Danielle (the one on top looks like a queen. Her features really stand out, but they aren't all up in yo' face (went ghetto in honour of her). She looks very soft and yet, almost deadly, like if you fuck with her, she's gonna getcha!
Joanie (the one on the bottom) on the other hand looks more like an alien but one you'd like to have sex with! More like a princess of an empire, she doesn't look powerful or cunning, but more curious and stern. Still a terrific photo!



















Next, the magazine cover shoot photo. The purpose of this photo shoot was to grab a passer-by's attention, make a potential customer an actual customer. And sorry Danielle, I think Joanie got you beat in this one. Joanie's takes the entire cover, the look on her face is very striking, if I were walking by, that stance would make me stop. Whereas Danielle's, the only reason I'd stop is because if you look quickly enough at that cover, it looks like she's not wearing any underwear...a big ole vagina is something that would make me run for the hills.




















And now it's time to not like Joanie so much...
This photo is not her best, I hate to say this, but I agree with what the judges said about her in this photo and that is she doesn't look good with her hair up, which not good for a model - they have to be very versatile. Joanie looks more like one of the stepsisters (she's protraying Cinderella) - you just don't love her as much when you look at this photo. Danielle on the other hand - my god! That eyebrow raised just a little, the way the eyelashes curve up just a little and the fact that even though she's protraying Snow White, you know she's not gonna eat no fucking apple from some hag!




















Here the lovely ladies are protraying their future/childhood goals: Danielle a Singer and Joanie a Housewife and Mother. Again, I think both have done an equally superb job! Danielle, cannot carry a tune, but damnit you look at that picture and can't help but think about Diana Ross - she's a fucking Diva! And Joanie, with that index finger up, her man (which you can't see) holding a vaccuum and that raised eyebrow - she is that dutiful wife and mother that has dinner on the table ready for her husband when he comes home from work - but I look at this picture and can't help but think she's that dutiful wife and mother that's also just got home from her weekly banging by the postman/sheriff/poolboy/etc...and her husband is none the wiser.




















So first the close ups: Does it really matter that what they're trying to sell here are shoes? Nope! First, the lovely Danielle, everyone scroll up to the bald picture and tell me if that African Queen looks anything like this Ghetto Fabulous Princess? Again, that fucking raised eyebrow, lowers my goddamn kinsey number! The arms raised above her head, the hooped earrings, the tight clothing - she looks FLAWLESS. The judges are saying the gap in her teeth needs to be closed, but um, they're fucking idiots - I think it only adds to her amazingness-ness!
And my sweet, wonderful Joanie, you can't help but smile and remember you're best time at a dance/club (mine? the second time I ever went to Buddies, just had a ball!). She just brings so much goddamn warmth in this picture, you don't even notice the hand on her boob...

Now for the far-aways of the same pictures...




















Danielle - I don't even notice the clown. She looks like the sassiest bitch on the block and you know when she came to this roof party - she was the most popular guest of all. PERIOD!
Joanie - Everyone scroll up to the Housewife pic and tell me if you can see the same model - cuz I cannot! It's a perfect advertisement - it's fresh, funky and fun, you don't know she's advertising the shoes and it really doesn't matter, cuz she could be advertising braces in this picture - you'd still look at it and smile.




















Ahhh, the black and white photo - the one that's suppose to show "real" emotion. Both to me look like Calvin Klien ads but I think Joanie has won this round, slightly. Danielle's looks more like a CD cover - a beautiful CD cover, that gap in her teeth, just makes it look that less cheesy and more real, but still, you can tell she's not really crying and the emotion she's conveying is about as real as the paper flower in her hair.
Joanie, still looking fake-ish, is the least fake out of the two. I look at this picture, then remember her housewife photo and I can't help but think it's the housewife that's crying in this photo - maybe her husband found out about the affair - irregardless, I like how the feeling in this photo isn't so much sadness but more desperation; she just finished bawling her eyes out and now has no idea what to do.




















Here the lovely ladies are being protrayed as various types of dolls: Danielle a marionette and Joanie a ventriliquist's wooden puppet. And again, the body language here wins it entirely. Danielle looks lifeless - and that's exactly the point, she won't come to life until someone pulls on those strings in just the right way. The way her legs curve inwards and her hands are just resting in space, she's conveying the marionette flawlessly.
Joanie, again, has stolen the spotlight, I barely notice the goregous male model, her legs and arms look wooden and lifeless - but still goregous. Something about the way her right leg just curves towards the audience, she looks outstanding!

And now the close ups...

Wow. Danielle and her fucking eyebrow! My kinsey number is now officially 5.8 - I'm just amazed that she's able to be so striking and yet calming at the same time. Her features are rather big, big lips, wide nose and the gap in her teeth and yet she isn't out there, it's a pleasure to look at her and you know she's gonna sell whatever you want sold, because people will want to look at her! I know I do!

Ahhhh Joanie, at first you might think she looks a little goofy in this picture, so wide-eyed and surprised, but that's the whole point. She's suppose to be a immitation of a human being and she works it so wonderfully. The long wavy blond hair, the goregous blue eyes and corners of her mouth just stand out and draw you into the photograph. Brava Bellisima!

I really can't decide which woman I want to win - they're both beautiful and versatile and amazing and HILARIOUS! Joanie saying that Jade looks like an 85 year old woman and Danielle saying she'd rather homeschool her children rather than let Jade teach them - I was DYING - they're hilarious! And seem real (enough) - I actually want it to be a tie, I just can't decide whom I love more!

P.S. Can you tell I don't wanna study and that I take this show a little too seriously?