Birds of A Feather

So last night I was hanging out with my dearest of dearest friends and we were talking about Jackie Chan's new movie. Blah blah blah next door neighbour is a ninja blah blah blah he's now gonna babysit his neighbour's young kids blah blah blah with the kids help he defeats the bad guys that can't swear because this movie is PG. Loads of crap, I'm sure. It was the conversation that followed that made me realize my brain is wired differently from my friends. NOT better. NOT worse. Simply differently.

Anyways, I made the point, while inebriated, that I don't think I would ever allow a middle-aged single male (regardless of race) to babysit my young kids. The scenario I put out there was imagine placing an ad around your neighbourhood looking for a babysitter, after interviewing a bunch of teenagers looking to make a couple bucks, you hear the doorbell ring and when you answer you see a single male, 30ish, inquiring about the ad. I know it sounds terrible but RED FLAGS WITH BUILT-IN ALARMS just go off for me about that situation. Yes, yes, sexism, blah blah blah discrimination blah blah blah but whatever! My hypothetical kids, my hypothetical decisions. Most of my friends kind of agreed that yes perhaps a red flag or two would be raised should that happen but where we differed in opinion was would we still interview the guy or not. I said no, no matter what. Most of my friends said yes if he had some shining references. Fair enough. I fully understand my flaw in thinking and the fact that should hypothetical man have excellent references he should have a fair chance, just like everyone else, and at least get an interview. But still...just seems too strange to me. I think because everyone was a little inebriated, my friends didn't hear me when I said I didn't care what the race of the hypothetical guy was (meaning one race wouldn't gain my favour over another) but that he was 30ish, single, and male that weirded me out.

After I gave my spiel, a darling friend of mine asked "Would you let a black woman babysit your kids?" and I hesitated. Now, let's all pick up our jaws from the floor and allow me to explain WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH MY MIND WHEN THE QUESTION WAS ASKED. Understand my friends, all of my friends, come from diverse backgrounds, different religions, different cultural upbringings and no, I am not saying the equivalent of "Hey man, it's cool, I have black friends".

My friend asked me, "Would you let a black woman babysit your kids?"
How I heard the question was, "Would you let a black woman babysit your kids?".

Keeping in mind not 10 seconds prior we were just dicussing about how I was judging an applicant by his sex, I thought my friend was asking me to think of my scenario with everything the same except instead of me opening my door to a 30ish, single male applying for a babysitting job I would find a 30ish, single female standing there asking if she could be interviewed for the babysitting position. The fact that my friend made hypothetical person black wasn't what I was thinking about but rather that hypothetical person was female. And after thinking about THAT I said "Yes, I would."

But my response was too late or didn't come quick enough and now I'm considered an inherent racist when in fact I'm an admitted sexist. If my decision for the babysitter came down to two people, but equally qualified, both 30ish and single, one being male (of any race) and one being female (of any race) I would choose the female. Blah blah blah Darek you're sexist blah blah blah I can't believe you're discriminating blah blah blah. Yeah I know I'm horrible for thinking that but 1) I'm being sexist against my own sex, so, who cares? 2) YOUR FACE!

In conclusion your honour, the defense rests!

Thinning Out the Herd

"Challenge yourself to be a little bit smarter today"

I'm still astounded that I heard this pearl of wisdom from Dean Blundell, Host of The Edge's Morning Show. I only caught a snippit of what he was saying but essentially it was a "cut it out!" speech about stupid people using slurs against someone based on their race, sexual orientation, or religion. Great stuff.

I've been wondering what my first post of 2010 was going to be and hearing this new mantra kind of sealed the deal for me. During my Christmas break from work, I fell in love (even more so) with www.notalwaysright.com. The website just lists conversations that people in the service industry (kiosk handlers, customer service agents, tech support, waiters, hotel workers, retail, etc) have had with customers who are not always right - you see, apparently, the customer is always right. Needless to say hilarity ensues but accompanied by my increasing sense of dred and rage at some pretty stupid people.

Now I'm not saying that all service people know what they are doing, I use to be one, and yes I've made some mistakes while servicing customers (ha!) but in the long run you get into a habit and can usually determine the solution to a customer's problem within a few minutes. And while I think some of these stories on www.notalwaysright.com are made up, some are real because I've dealt with the exact same scenarios. It actually scares me that most of these people are breeding, passing on inadequate genes, and essentially peeing into the genetic pool of humanity.

Most of these customers fall into 3 categories:

1) The Idiot - this customer simply does not listen to the words coming out of the service agent's mouth.

2) The Centre of the Universe - this is a subset of idiot because this customer usually comes up with excuses as to why they acted stupidly which in turn allows them to think they have not acted stupidly.

3) The Gullible - after the service agent has tried explaining (many times) return policies, or menu items, or billing procedures the agent gives up and just allows the customer to believe their own idiotic reasoning to end the call/get on with their job.

To be fair, I should admit there is a 4th kind of customer and that's the one able to admit they were wrong or have a laugh at themselves for what they were thinking or believing the service agent with the information they've provided.

ANNNNNNNYYYYWAAAAAAYS, the reason I'm going on and on about stupid people is with the 21st century the idea that the world will end, and end soon, is such an identifier of my generation you can't help but to think who would survive just in case the worst of the worst happened. Be it an environmental cataclysmic event, or the zombie apocolypse, or just the regular one with Jebus and monsters - is it wrong of me to kind of be relieved that once the event is over, those remaining were smart enough to survive? That essentially we've cut back on those peeing in the pool? Well we have to make sure the zombies don't win people! Challenge yourself today to be a little bit smarter today!!

Happy New Year! And New Decade!

Merry Everyone!

So yesterday I met up with the Book Club and we discussed Lawrence Hill's The Book of Negroes. It is a terrific book, full of sadness, loss, history, descriptive prose (but not too descriptive) and smidgens of happiness relating to one Aminata Diallo, an African child stolen from her Village in Bayo (I believe present day Nigeria) during the 18th century and sold as a slave to America. The book, I thought, was eloquently summed up by a woman (eek, I can't remember her name, I'm terrible!) who said she fully grasped one of the many profound meanings of the book from church. 2000 years ago, people were looking for a saviour, and not much as changed from 300 years ago - people will always be looking for that saviour, that soul to guide them either to something better or away from something terrible. Beautiful. All in all, a terrific book!

Jamie, deputy leader extraordinaire of the Book Club, brought up a very interesting point that in the US and UK, The Book of Negroes isn't called The Book of Negroes but rather the bland and boring title Someone Knows My Name. Almost immediately, the entire group was in agreement this was a terrible substitution and Jamie asked 'why do you think Canada had one title while the US and UK, some of the free-est states in the world, had different titles?'

I said because Canada is, well, not ridiculous. And I was right! Lawrence Hill states that his New York editor sent him a nervous email informing him that even though he was promised The Book of Negroes would be a fine title in the US, they have now come to realize how sensitive the word Negroes is and asked him to change it to better appeal to the delicate sensibilities of Americans. The title of the book comes from a well-perseved document with the same title.

But Someone Knows My Name? Really? That sounds like a Nora Roberts romance novel, on par with something like Silken Hearts, The Bosom Fire, and Weeping Uteruses.

It also didn't surprise me that the sole reason for the name change was because the US was so scared of offending someone. And yes, I have to admit, while reading the book at work, during my breaks (of course), any time someone asked me what I was reading, I could see that some people were surprised I could say 'Negroes' so easily. But that's because of a little thing called context. Very few words still have their kick without context. I'm not a racist (you shouldn't be either) but I'm not silly enough to ignore the past. This book is about the past. This is how people spoke in the past. Get over it.

Was it any surprise that a New York Editor informed Mr. Hill his title was too risque and needed to be changed? Nope. New York, despite being the liberal mecca of the world, is still in a country that has groups that boycott stores because they refuse to wish someone a Merry Christmas. Or worse (because stores want to make all potential customers happy and therefore increase profit) by wishing someone a Happy Holidays. I've never understood why it's the norm to assume you're a Christian when 2/3 of the world isn't Christian. Logically it doesn't make sense but I'm getting side-tracked.

Here's some simple tips to avoid any boycotts of your own:

1. Wish Christians a 'Merry Christmas' - if you know someone goes to church (ANY church) say Merry Christmas. That is what they're celebrating after all.
2. Wish Jewish People a 'Happy Hanukkah' - it may not be their holiest of holidays (neither is Christmas for Christians) but I'm sure they'd appreciate the sentiment. Mmmmm Latkes...
3. Ask Muslims if they had fun during Eid al-Fitr or Eid al-Adha - why the change? Because these Muslim celebrations (celebrating the end of Ramadan) have already been celebrated earlier at the beginning of December.
4. Are you not a follower of these Abrahamic religions? Well then ask what someone is celebrating! I'm fairly certain Hindu's have already celebrated Diwali so ask if they had a swell time! Otherwise, be like me, play the ignorant card, and ask someone what they will be doing during this holiday season and learn a little something about your co-worker or friend.

What's going on with Sikh's this time of the year? I have no idea! But I work with a gentlemen that is Sikh, so I know not to wish him that Jesus has a great birthday. It really is that simple. No need for over-reactions, no need for delicate sensibilities, no need for shifty eyes. Ask and ye shall receive or so I'm told.

May you all party-harty and party safely during this much needed break! Merry Everyone!

100th Post: Coming Out

So this is kind of a bit of a milestone for me and it only took like a little over four years to get here - it's my 100th Post! I was wondering what this post would be about ever since I started this blog and lo & behold it's going to be about the gays.

A while back, I posted an entry about this douchebag and how enraged I was over him using the term SAGs which means 'straight-acting-gays'. In his People Magazine interview, Lance Bass talked about how him and his gays friends were not the fairy gays the Christian Right is using as an example of the deviant life of GLBT people but beer-drinking, football-playing-and-watching 'Merikans! Anyways, case in point, LB is a douchebag.

Whose a bigger douchebag than Lance "pillow chewing bottom" Bass? Why none other than Adam Lambert. I never watched American Idol, I never read his Rolling Stone interview, and when Out Magazine put him on their Top 100 Gays of the Year (or something like that) List I just thought "well who else would they put on there?".

Anyways, Queerty has this terrific article about why he's a douche from Out's Editior-in-Chief Aaron Hicklin (plus a pretty yummy pic of the semi-silver-haired fox) . Anyways, the reason Adam Lambert is a douchebag - and bare with me my loyal 5 readers/friends that periodically come in and see if I have posted anything new while you were bored at work - is that he came out publicly. I'd rather prefer he go back into the closet and here's why: IT WAS NO SECRET ADAM LAMBERT WAS GAY. None whatsoever. Furthermore, coming out in the public eye is NOT something to feel proud about WHEN EVERYONE AND THEIR BLIND GRANDMOTHERS KNEW YOU WERE GAY.

I'm not saying it doesn't take guts and I'm not saying it shouldn't be broadcast from the mountain tops what I'm saying is Adam Lambert, like Lance Bass, didn't overcome anything. LGBT people in Iran that have escaped a country that would have them stoned have overcome something. A child that tells his deeply religious southern family they're gay and then puts up with said family's abuse only to escape and make a better life for themselves has overcome something. Brave men and women who were unfairly discharged from the US military for simply being SUSPECTED of being gay only to take the public stand against their government have overcome something. When a fairy with a soft voice and too much make up "shocks" the world with an annoucement that he's gay - and gets paid for it - he has not overcome a single thing.

I feel I should explain why I support another celebrity for coming out and making the 100 List - Wanda Sykes. I will admit I've never watched her show, I've seen a few comedy specials featuring her but I'm as much a fan of Wanda Sykes as I am of Spam; I've only experienced it once or twice and surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Anyways, Wanda Sykes also recently came out, publicly, but during a 'NO TO H8' rally in Las Vegas denouncing Proposition 8. When I learned Wanda Sykes was a lesbian I wasn't shocked outta my socks but really just thought "yeah, I can see that but good for her!" She used her example of overcoming prejudice against her (and her now wife) to try and change the prejudice experienced by many others. No drawn out explainations, no press releases, maybe one or two cover stories after the fact but all in all I would say she handled being gay and a some-what public figure pretty gracefully.

So to recap:

This is a douchebag

She is not

Woo Hoo!

via Auto Insurance.org

Carrie Prejean: No One to Blame But Yourself

So OMG! Apparently there are SEVEN (7) more solo sex tapes of Carrie Prejean floating around. The ex-boyfriend she made her first tape for has gone on the record as saying she called him up and told him to lie about her age while making the sex tapes (as viewing them would then be considered child pornography) and even MORE sexily naked pictures of the ultimate Runner-Up have popped up.

This is so fucking delicious I'm salivating - and I never thought that this would be possible over a woman.

Any whoodle, the internets will soon be all a buzz over her reaction to this and the water works will start and she'll cry and blah blah blah. Well she only has herself to blame really.

Let me make something perfectly clear - I could care less that she's even made these tapes! Everyone has done some kind of sexting at one point in their lives, be it cammin' with someone, sending a dirty text or a raunchy photo to entice a potential paramour and that's all well and good. If you keep the fires stoked right, it'll take longer to die down. But I can't get over how FUCKING AMAZING TERRIFIC it feels to hear some Christian right-wing nutter talk about (indirectly) how civil rights should be stripped away from a group of people, how girls should be modest and not get caught up in the overtly sexualized messages the media spouts at them, and that your body is your temple but can be a better temple with breast implants. It really is true, the higher you place yourself on a pedestal, the harder you are gonna fall. Holy Hell - SEVEN TAPES CARRIE!?

I don't care that she's diddling herself before a camera, if she enjoys looking at herself naked and/or enjoys the look on a boyfriend's face as he's looking at her naked and touching herself - great! Getting someone excited by your own body is one of the hottest feelings ever! When you feel sexy and lusted after, you can't help but feel great about yourself! It's natural, it's hot, and well down right kinky.

With her book tour cancelled now, I really hope she just goes away at this point. You tried to ride the coat tails of the Christian-right organizations that have thrown buckets of money your way and you failed. You failed because the very values you tried to make a career out of are the very values you do not possess. And that's fine! They are stupid values to have anyway! You could've built a platform on sex-education, something your wacky country is severely lacking. You could've been mature about why you did the tapes - "NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS" is the appropiate response - but you chose to play the victim, the Mary Magdelene of the 21st century wondering who was going to cast the first stone.

Here's an idea - grow up a little, get a better education, and understand that the blonde, plastic, Christian world you were brought up in is wrong and try to actually make a real difference in the world. THEN you could actually be a real role-model to the young girls you so eagerly want to protect.

Absolutes

So you know how there are so very, very, very few absolutes in the world? Like rape is always wrong, no matter what well here's two more:

This man is a pervert and a criminal. That is all.

Dunk!

I'm a dunker. You give me a glass of milk with cookies, you better believe those cookies are gonna be dunked into said milk. Tea biscuits with tea? Sandwich with soup? Donut with coffee? Toast and eggs? All dunkable treats with optimum dunkability to achieve prime homogeneity. What was once a cookie and a glass of milk, is now both cookie and milk - and yet something so much more! That dry salami sandwich you were just chompin' on? Well get yourself a small $3 bowl of cream of mushroom soup and BOOM! Sandwich and soup combine together to form a unified taste sensation that cannot be beat! Is your tea weak? Dunk a tea biscuit in that motherfucker! Not only with that tea sweeten up ever so slightly, but that hard-as-a-brick biscuit will now have soften to achieve prime chewability and deliciousness. Over easy eggs are just begging to be poked with toast or a crispy strip of bacon to let out that delicious yolk to turn your breakfest into a sloppy, salty brine of yellow delicious. Everything on your breakfast plate begins to taste a little like everything else!

So the next time you see a spunky, adorable 25 year old with piercing blue eyes dunkin' his donuts into his hot chocolate or his sandwich in his soup, don't mock me him but revel in his genius at knowing a good thing when he sees it.